Walt goes WILD: Foul-mouthed Myron and his FPL Wildcard Fallout
Call me Myron. I’m that little kid with the bottle rimmed glasses who can’t see a foot in front of his face but swears he’s gonna be the next great outfielder in the Major League. I eat, sleep and breathe baseball. I can rattle off the stats of every Major League infielder, outfielder, pitcher and designated hitter for the past 20 years (not really but it works for the illustration). I answer every question you have, regardless of the subject, in terms of the sport I love and the game I know I will become a superstar in when I’m older.
I can’t see the ball leave the batter’s bat let alone catch it, but I’ll run around in the outfield looking up into the sun with my glove in front of my face until it hits me in the nose/forehead and bounces straight back up into the air; making me look both ridiculously lacking in anything resembling talent or skill but undeniably humorous at the same time. Because I’m so earnest in my belief and desire to succeed and so haplessly incapable of performing at the same time, you can’t help but enjoy watching me fail because I really do try harder than most but have no clue how bad I really am. It’s really ******* funny….. to you. Meanwhile, I remain clueless; exponentially increasing your enjoyment.
I could probably stop there. (Ed. But you won’t) But you know I won’t (Ed. thought as much). I’m too oblivious; too caught up in what I perceive to be your legitimate curiosity and unspoken, mirrored belief in me that I can hear through your continued requests for me to explain in more detail how I’m going to succeed; not realizing that you ask to fuel your own entertainment; to add to the things that you’re going to laugh at me about tonight at the “real” cool kids gathering. I’m the easiest nut to crack; maybe ever.
“So Myron, tell us more about your wildcard; it sounds fascinating.”
“Oh, hell yeah; check this **** out; you’re gonna love it. I learned my lesson over the past 3 gameweeks right; with all that Jose Mourinho/Romelu Lukaku ****, remember? Well **** me; fool me once and shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me is what I always say. That’s why I went with my main man and Jose’s Old Reliable, Frank Lampard. The hell with those young, interchangeable midfielders, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past 3 weeks it’s that Jose is counting on Frank in his final full season to shoulder the load and cement that line in front of the defence. It’s obvious, so even though he may not be as explosive as Hazard, he’s definitely nailed on and takes penalties. Total no brainer; I looked it up myself and felt GREAT about it.”
“Excellent. Very nice. So you decided to take RVP, go with 2 “strong” midfielders, one mid-strength, and 2 value midfielders, with Lampard at 8.1m being one of your two “strong” midfielders that you’re highly relying on for minutes and points. How’d it go”
“Well ****, the fixture was the late one on Saturday, right? I remember checking Twitter about an hour beforehand and saw some tweets from friends of mine showing me a lineup that didn’t include old Frankie Boy. At first I thought my friends were just ******* with me, but sure enough, Jose was the one ******* with me… again! I’m a Chelsea fan but I can’t figure that mother ****** out; it’s like he’s deliberately trying to **** my **** up every week. Like he gets MY lineup beforehand and then consciously plots to **** with me, regardless of who he really intended to start in the first place. He did that **** with Lukaku the first couple of games and I swore that was the end of it. He must not know I’m a Chelsea fan; otherwise he would’t pull that ****.”
“So you’re saying Frank didn’t start, huh?”
“Of course that’s what I’m **** saying, didn’t you hear me, ****? Hull; 90 min. Villa; 90 min. United; 90 min. I pick him up with my wildcard, and Everton; BENCHED. I got 34 minutes out of him, but my balloon had already been burst.”
“Wow; that’s unfortunate. Tell me more about your midfield.”
“Sure, no problem. I really went back and forth for a while with this wildcard. I looked at many different options, even posted one or two of them on Twitter and my blog. Spent at least an hour or so, (Ed. And the rest) between more important things, working up different combinations and permutations of who I wanted. Nothing major; just spitballing.
When it was all said and done, my top priority was picking up guys who were GUARANTEED STARTERS and who were sure to play at least 70-75 minutes every week. I wasn’t focused primarily on their explosiveness, but on the likelihood that they would be given ample opportunity every week to BE EXPLOSIVE. See what I did there? So I looked carefully and made some very thoughtful decisions. First was Pablo Hernandez. Given my choice of RVP, I really needed to find a strong, mid-priced midfielder who was performing well and maybe even above their price range, who also was a nailed on starter guaranteed to provide plenty of minutes. Pablo was the guy for sure. He was coming off a fantastic fixture vs. W Brom and had played 90 minutes in the previous two fixtures, as well as 45 in the opening week vs. ManU. A total gimme with high potential.”
“Awesome; how’d it go?”
“He pulled a hammy and was nowhere to be found. 0 minutes, 0 pts. Won’t be around next week either from what I hear.”
“That must be frustrating after all of that promise and hope; especially having used your Wildcard to get him?”
“Is that a real ******* question? Go **** yourself”
“Okay; sorry. Tell me more about this carefully plotted midfield of yours.”
“Sure thing. Well like I said, my main priority was to get guys that were absolutely, positively nailed on to start and who could also pick up some quality assist/goal points along the way. But my priority, no holds barred, was first and foremost playing time and being a nailed on starter.”
“Sounds like a good plan, but also sounds like you didn’t have much money left and needed to find a good option in the value category.”
“Right you are my friend. And that is why I spent EXTRA time looking into the value category to find a decent, nailed on guy who could suit up for me on the occasion I needed him and who also had the potential to rack up some points and send them my way. The obvious choice, and this was exciting for me, was James Ward-Prowse. An up and coming midfielder from Southampton, he was having a good season so far and his confidence was buoyed by having started and played 90 minutes in each of their first three fixtures. Not only that, all of the media outlets touted him as being set to take up position for his fourth consecutive start of the season. And to top it off, since Everton was playing Chelsea this week and Southampton was at home to West Ham, it was a perfect fixture to use him for as I could leave Barkley on my bench.”
“Wow; that IS exciting. You must have had very high expectations; especially with him playing at home to West Ham at the weekend. How’d it go?”
“******* Pinnochio benched him for the first time this season and threw him in for 19 minutes at the end, obliterating any chance I had of resurrecting Barkley and his 3 pts from the Chelsea fixture off of my FPL bench.”
“Damn dude, that sucks. Sorry to hear that, but at least you have Coleman and got his 6 clean sheet points, right?”
“**** NO. I expected Chelsea to do much better vs Everton and didn’t have Coleman anywhere near the chance of getting on my FPL pitch. I had Turner (Cardiff) as my first sub. He came on for the missing Hernandez and added 1 piece of ****, mother ******* point to my tally.”
“So what was your overall score?”
“Whoa….that was your score for the gameweek WITH A WILDCARD!?!?!”
“Yup; I’m about to lose my ****.”
“Well **** dude…. don’t do that . You gotta keep plugging away. If nothing else so that me and your other “friends” can check in on you from time to time, cheer you on, and see how you progress. We believe in you and enjoy watching you try so hard. What do you think you’re gonna do? And how does your nose feel…you didn’t break your glasses when that ball hit you on the forehead, did you?”
“No, they didn’t break. But that’s a good idea. Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll do what every aspiring Major League outfielder does. I’ll readjust my glasses, pull the bill of my hat down over my eyes, get back in that outfield, squint real strong-like into that glaring sun, and shag some flyballs. Ain’t nothing can stop me now!” (Ed. and breathe)
View the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbIHRGUesZQ
“Go Myron go!”
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