11 Unknown Stories About the Current Fantasy FPL Dream Team

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

 

We’re just four weeks into the football season and we already have our breakout stars, our differentials turned goal machines and our overpriced flops. Here we delve in to the current top-11 players of the season so far, and look behind the footballing curtain to see what these guys are really about…

We’ve used the current Dream Team from the official FPL site to compile this list.

Also – as you’ll probably note – we are quite excited by the upcoming launch of FIFA20 and have doctored FIFA19 cards throughout this article in the vein hope that those lovely EA folk will send us a free copy…. SHAMELESS…

 

 

  1. Rui Pedro dos Santos Patrício

Apparently, Rui is just 31 years young – which I for one call BS. Well Rui is quite the hero back home in Leiria, Portugal. From his days as a Sporting Lisbon GK he actually became so loved that one fan apparently funded the commission of a statue of Rui which now resides there, capturing his (again, apparently) “iconic” save from a Griezmann shot back in the Euro 2016 Final. But what I really want to reveal about the 2016 Balon d’Or nominee is that his wife is a sex therapist, if you remember from the Euro’s back in 2016 she famously recommended that Rui & his Portuguese teammates masterbate prior to matches. (Link)

Ed: There’s 10 more of these??

  1. Patrick John Miguel van Aanholt

The cousin of Leroy Fer, Patrick was born in Holland to parent from Curaçao (a tiny island in the Caribbean which for some mad reason is actually a part of the “Kingdom of the Nederland’s”). He shares a birthday with Michael Jackson and famous astronaut Chris Hadfield (August 29th), I am almost certain Patrick is planning a moonwalk for an upcoming goal celebration in homage to his birthday brothers from other mothers. Fun fact, Patrick’s current contract banks him £3.5 million per year, which, to make you feel poor, means that each DAY Patrick earns roughly £15,000.

  1. Lucas Digne

Digne unknown to many is in fact quite the hero – during the appalling terrorist attacks in Barcelona back in 2017, Lucas was in his apartment nearby to La Rambla where the events unfolded and immediately ran down to help out the injured. To this day he never comments on what happened in respect of those lost – which, only makes the lad humbler and more likeable. He may have some Evertonian’s raging however once they notice that he has the words “I Never Walk Alone” tattooed across his waxed chest.

  1. Jannik Vestergaard

Fun fact – I was once a season ticket holder for Borussia Monchengladbach where Jannik was quite the star during his 2-year spell. Back in 2018 the rumour mills were rampant that he was destined for London, with Spurs and Arsenal looking to sign the chap (Link), but Jannik actually went down to Southampton and is still to find his true form. He has a fear of spiders and was told by his first coach at Brondby that he was “too lanky for football” – those two things had no right to be in the same sentence together but here we are. In the 2017 Bundesliga season he was the only player in the entire league to play every single minute of a teams season so he clearly has some stamina. He’s a New England Patriots fan (hence his dog being called Brady – Jannik shares the same birthday as Tom Brady too) which unfortunately makes me dislike him now.

 

  1. Raheem Shaquille Sterling

Jamaican born Raheem was given the middle name Shaquille because his parents were huge Shaquille O’Neal fans, also during the ten seconds reading this sentence Raheem has earned £2.50. This is based on his near £8million contract which is not bad is it? Last year during the build up to the 2018 World Cup, the English press decided to mess up the morale in the England camp by highlighting a gun tattoo on Raheem’s leg, which, turns out has a much deeper meaning about his father. Hard to admit, but all my reading up on Mr Sterling made me realise he’s not a bad guy really – still has a silly run though.

 

  1. Kevin De Bruyne

KDB does not like Thibaut Courtois. Fact. Prior to marrying the now mother of his two children, KDB’s ex-girlfriend admitted to cheating on him with none other than his fellow Belgian. Needless to say, KDB is pretty chuffed that Courtois moved over to Spain last year. Although born in Belgium, Kevin was eligible to play for Burundi due to his mother being Burundian – he opted to play for the Red Devils which was a fair choice if I’m honest. I think we can all agree, his biggest achievement in life was back in August 2014 where KDB was appointed as the Ambassador of Weltvogelpark Bird Sanctuary in Germany.

  1. Mohamed Salah Hamed Mahrous Ghaly

Mo is a very religious man, a devoted Muslim who thanks the almighty every time he scores a goal. Interestingly, Mo named his daughter Mecca Mohammed after the Holy site in Saudi Arabia – however he later changed her named to Makkah to distinguish it from Mecca Bingo! Mo as many know is a lovely man, some of his most noteworthy actions are the millions he donates to his home country to fund education, healthcare and to help end poverty – he also famously dropped charges to a thief who robbed his entire family and then actually gave money to the thief to help him become a better person. We should all be like Mo.

 

  1. Sadio Mane

Sadio is the epitome of “follow your dreams”, growing up in Sedhiou in Senegal with his Uncle due to his parents having too many children to be able to look after. Not only that, his family forbid him to play football as it was seen as too expensive. After showing promise with his feet, his local village all came together, family and friends sold their crops to raise money to allow Sadio to train. A phenomenal story from who is now one of my favourite players.

 

  1. Sergio Leonel Agüero del Castillo

In 2003 I was embarking on a journey to obtain good GCSE results and maybe not end up working in the Boots photo lab (which I did). In 2003, Sergio was taking to the pitch as the youngest professional footballer to debut for Independente in Argentina. He was actually signed by the team when he was just 9 years old back in 1997, at a time I was trying to pack a Charizard and become king of the playground. Somewhere along the way, we both made different decisions in life didn’t we? Anyway, Sergio has been on the pitch as a pro footballer for over half of his life, he married Maradonna’s youngest daughter but has since separated and the childs godfather is none other than Lionel Messi. His nickname “Kun” actually comes from a Japanese anime character from his childhood and the most impressive accolade is of course his FANTASTIC voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=19&v=hzwWtlSbzng.

  1. Teemu Eino Antero Pukki

If it’s not written in the stats, it sure is in the name. Pukki translates as “GOAT” in his native Finland, for most Norwich fans this now proves true – step aside Cristiano! 13 years ago he actually had a trial with Chelsea FC, but didn’t make the cut – the same scout then brought him to the UK when he signed for Celtic in 2013 as played alongside Virgil Van Dijk. Oh, and Norwich didn’t pay a penny for him. £0 for a Goat? Bargain.

 

  1. Kevin Oghenetega Tamaraebi Bakumo-Abraham

London born Tammy has been a Chelsea project since he was 8 years old, progressing through the ranks until they decided to loan him out to Bristol, Villa then Swansea. Internationally his Dad (Nigerian) is very close mates with the Nigerian Football Federation President who spent years trying to convince Tammy to “become” Nigerian to play for their national team, he even started the papers to do so – but eventually declined and now plays, kind of (2 appearances) for England. He was on the cusp of joining Newcastle on loan last summer before he was advised not to due to being “young and rich in a city known for a great nightlife”.

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

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Arsenal, Everton and Liverpool Make the Preview

GW4 Review: Jamie Vardy Crashed the Pukki Party

Written by @JackAGoodwin

This GW4 review is brought to you, in part, by the real Slim Goodwin.

Hi kids, do you like FPL advice?

Wanna see Pukki blank the game and Richarlison score twice?

Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?

Regret every decision you made this week because you wildcarded…

After news spread this week of a party in the Norwich area getting overcrowded, Jamie Vardy took it upon himself to throw a bigger, better, more familiar party of his own.

Nearly 1 million new people bought a ticket to the Pukki Party which ultimately turned sour when the bubble machines went mental and ruined it. The Pukki train immediately left for the City of Manchester, but many won’t be jumping aboard with fears that the DJ will constantly be playing Blue Moon.

Vardy, to rub salt in the wounds, has also taken his WKD fueled party towards Manchester, his however will arrive at a dysfunctional Old Trafford where the party will likely continue into the night.

Meet John Lundstram, 25 years old.

Fed up with life and the way his FPL career is going, he decides to score against Palace.

But on his way in to 750K more teams since then, he had a sudden change of heart.

And suddenly, the real John Lundstram came into play. (1 point in 2 GWs).

Guess who’s back? Back again…Aguero’s back…tell a friend! We’ve created a problem, ‘cause nobody wanted to see premium strikers anymore – we wanted bargains mixed with expensive defenders & mids, didn’t we? Now we have the conundrum of how to bring in the likes of Aguero, Kane, Firmino & Aubameyang – and the likelihood is that we pulled the trigger too soon on our Wildcards that it’s now near impossible to bring them in without taking a hit. It’s over – nobody listens to techno!

Salah is supposed to be the player who never loses his composure, assists with goals and holding the whole weight of our teams on his shoulders. Going toe-to-toe with Sterling for the armband once again – but unfortunately both players go and blow it!

In GW4 match by match, player by player, whoever we captained our team all fell down. GW1 star player, Sterling. GW2 star player, Pukki. GW3 star player, Salah. Surely one of these three will give us our points return. All three players, combined, scored a total of 11 points – which is 5 points behind GW4’s star player Jamie Vardy.

Sick of terribly forced Eminem song references? Yeah, me too. (ED: Me too)

Elsewhere in FPL we saw clean sheets for Palace, City, West Ham and Liverpool – business as usual then, with those keeping the faith in both ‘Pool and City backlines rewarded (unless, like me, you foolishly picked Laporte in your teams – not aware that he had knees as weak as United’s transfer strategy). Scoring defenders included Vestergaard and his massive head, Geordie Schar and a lovely Zouma own goal (told you he was a bit naff…https://fantasyyirma.com/2019/08/15/5-totally-useless-fantasy-players-from-game-week-1/).

40% of GW4 matches ended in a draw, 50% ended with a home victory with just the one away win for Liverpool. What do these statistics tell us? Absolutely nothing – but you can bet your ass you’ll spend the next two-weeks reading about every little detail from the FPL Twittexpert community and how the statistics suggest that you are a terrible FPL player. As each gameweek passes by, the FPL world has a breakdown, self-implodes on its own advice and steers itself in to wonderful new directions. After GW3 we almost unanimously got bantered into Wildcarding.

We were told that the Pukki Party was going to be a season long banger and expertly informed that Sterling and/or Salah were guaranteed points. The positive takeaway however was that we were convinced that the FPL world is so much more fun when we have it in drawn for us! (shout out to @fpldoodles1 – a pleasant addition to a community needing something different).

Quite astonishingly, even after the poor run of form for Man United as of late, Chelsea and Tottenham sit below them. We’re only four weeks into the season and the only real “in form” teams we can see are the usual suspects of Liverpool & City. Will the International Break give the chasing pack their mojo back? Will we see any last-minute moves away from the Premier League from the likes of Pogba & Eriksen as the Transfer Window slams shut tomorrow (2nd September)?

Finally, will FantasyYIRMA be able to drag-out the Bang Average Podcasts for two whole weeks in the absence of Premier League football! Time. Will. Tell.

…and so the soap opera

Is told, it unfolds, I suppose it’s old, partner

But FPL goes on: da da dum da dum da da da da….!

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

West Ham, Man City and Liverpool Make the Preview

Man United and Spurs Bantered Us Out of Points

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 3 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

If you’re like me, things are now suddenly starting to become clear. You’ve made an absolute Horlicks of your team, and not one of the 3,486 draft teams you came up with would have been any good.

Never fear, for I am here! Fresh off tipping pucker Pukki points, and John Egan putting a Cork in the Palace attack, let me guide you towards your Wildcard dear friend…

Defender: Luke Shaw, Manchester United

We don’t have to wait for another couple of weeks to spot one of the first trends of the new season – Crystal Palace are absolute muck. They’re Benteke levels of terrible, which is quite apt, considering. Their only decent player seems to have taken a leaf out of the ‘Chelsea Squad 17/18’ book and they’re as sharp in attack as Donald Trump is intellectually.

Manchester United have signed the world’s biggest forehead for the world’s biggest defender fee, and he certainly seems to have given them some solidity at the start of the new campaign. While last season’s FPL hero Aaron Wan-Bissaka is settling in at right-back, his left-back comrade has been making some impressive forays up his wing, and was showing real sings of attacking promise at Molineux on Monday night.

So a clean sheet is likely, and an assist or goal wouldn’t be out of the question for Luke Shaw this weekend. At least it shouldn’t be as long as Jose has stopped his Vulcan mind-control tactics on poor Luke.

Midfielder: Kevin De Bruyne, Manchester City

He’s back baby!

KDB was a joy to behold against Spurs last weekend, as he toyed and teased with the European Cup Finalists all evening, notching up two assists.

This week he travels to the South Coast on a pleasant August afternoon to face a Bournemouth side who have conceded to both Sheffield United and Aston Villa already this season. Hmmmm. I don’t think I’m going out on too much of a limb here to say that Aguero/Jesus/Sterling and co may well be firing in quite a few shots this Sunday, and KDB is going to be loading the bullets.

Forward: Roberto Firmino, Liverpool

Here’s a great stat I came across on Twitter this week:

Since joining Liverpool, Sadio Mane has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Since joining Liverpool, Mo Salah has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Since joining Liverpool, Bobby Firmino has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Firmino has opened the scoring in each game. Firmino got a hat-trick last season.

Captain: Harry Kane, Spurs

The second trend of the new season is as obvious as the first. Newcastle United are also absolute muck. Who knew that letting the guile and tactical wisdom of a man who contrived to win a Champions League with Djimi Traore at left-back, and replacing him with a man with the guile and tactical wisdom of Boris Johnson would result in that team looking hopeless immediately?

Spurs are going to batter the bejaysus out of Newcastle this weekend. Pummel them. Hump them. Destroy them.

If you want to go early on your Triple Captain chip, I won’t talk you out of it. There won’t be many more suitable weeks when one of the league’s best strikers faces a home game against one of the league’s worst teams. There’s no rotation risk, no Champions League games coming up, all week to prepare for it….it’s Goldilocks time to be honest. It’s just right.

Outsider: Manuel Lanzini, West Ham United

A cracking assist to get his campaign underway at Brighton last weekend, and now a trip to face a Watford side that have been displaying relegation form since Christmas of last year. West Ham have a host of attackers to choose from at the moment, and Lanzini will be linking and jinking with them all. Any old Iron? Nah, this is a very specific Iron you want on your team.

Draft: Çağlar Söyüncü, Leicester City

I’ll be honest with you. This Lord Farquhar lookalike has a whole load of lines and dots over/under most of the letters in his name, but I lack the technical ability to work out how to type it properly, so if you’re reading this Caglar mate, I apologise. (Ed. I got your back Niall)

But I am tipping you as a great option in Draft, considering you’re filling in the Harry Maguire slab-shaped hole in the Leicester defence.

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 3 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

Everyone’s After A Bit of Pukki

Wolves: R.Patricio, Bennett, Coady, Boly, Doherty, Otto, Neves, Moutinho, Dendoncker, Jiminez, Jota

Subs: Ruddy, Neto, Cutrone, Gibbs-White, Saiss, Vinagre, Adama

Manchester United: De Gea, Wan-Bissaka, Lindelof, Maguire, Shaw, McTominay, Pogba, James, Rashford, Martial

Subs: Romero, Young, Andreas, Mata, Matic, Greenwood, Tuanzebe

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – FPL Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

The dictionary definition of a ‘Series’ is a number of events of a similar or related kind coming one after another.

Coronation Street has had murders, Ken Barlow affairs and hotpots for decades.

EastEnders has had menacing gangsters, unplanned pregnancies and Ian Beale crying for years.

Emmerdale has had sheep, plane crashes and Marilyn from Home & Away inexplicably roaming around the dales for yonks.

The point is that you know what you’re going to get from a ‘Series’, because you can see the pattern.

Now if you happened to watch the first episode of a new series last weekend called ‘FPL Season 2019/20’ and you think you know what’s coming next, you’re an idiot.

So, put down that Wildcard chip, stop f*cking panicking, and at least wait for GW2 to happen before drawing any conclusions. Remember Steve Mounie? He didn’t turn out to be the next Alan Shearer, did he? Yet he scored two goals in GW1 in August 2017 and promptly stank the place out for the next nine months.

In short, nobody knows what’s coming next. So, with that, here’s my predictions for GW2!

Defender: John Egan, Sheffield United  

The Blades had the best defensive record in the Championship last season, which Egan was at the heart of, and they looked very much at home in the cut and thrust of the Premier League when they visited Dean’s Court last weekend.

This weekend the Premier League returns to Bramall Lane, the scene of the very first Premier League goal in history, scored by Brian Deane past a hopeless Danish keeper called Schmeichel. Clearly that was a sign of things to come in the future, eh?

Crystal Palace are the visitors this time featuring Christian ‘I used to score goals’ Benteke, Wilfried ‘I’m a good player get me out of here’ Zaha, and ‘Mad’ Max Meyer. While their away from was their saviour last season, something tells me that The Hodge has a tougher job on his hands this season, and a bouncing Bramall Lane will be a tough place to perform.

 

 

Midfielder: John McGinn, Aston Villa

This season’s version of Ryan Fraser.

You can thank me next May.

 

 

Forward: Teemu Pukki, Norwich City

Norwich look like they’re going to have a real go this season. They attacked Liverpool with gusto on Friday night, deservedly grabbing a consolation goal which was finished with aplomb by their Finnish finisher Pukki.

This weekend the Geordie Circus rolls into town with Steve Bruce in a top hat and Mike Ashley as usual playing the clown. Carrow Road will be hopping, Delia will have been on the sherry since lunchtime, and by 5pm you’ll be crowing about how this Canary helped you nail GW2.

Captain: Mo Salah, Liverpool

Aubameyang faces Burnley at 12:30 on Saturday. I never Captain a player at that time slot, and neither should you.

Sterling/Aguero and friends have a tricky enough looking home game against Spurs. While they may well run riot once more, Spurs are no mugs and may stifle the home side for a while at least.

That leaves Salah at Southampton. He notched there last season when he ran for 50 yards before slotting from outside the box. The Saints were battered by Burnley last weekend and showed defensive vulnerability, and whatever shortcomings you may see in Liverpool so far this season, they look to be as razor sharp offensively as ever.

So, it’s Mo once more.

Outsider: Adrian, Liverpool  

£4.5m to get a guaranteed starter in the best defence last season?

This climate change lark is getting out of hand. It’s Christmas in August FFS!

 

Draft: Moise Kean, Everton 

Everton have signed a young Irish lad from Juventus who should be leading the line very soon and banging in goals for fun.

At least, I’m assuming he’s Irish with a name like Mossie Keane. Wait, what? Moise Kean? Not qualified for Ireland?

Meh, it didn’t stop Tony Cascarino.

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

Fantasy Football – FPL Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

The dictionary definition of a ‘Series’ is a number of events of a similar or related kind coming one after another.

Coronation Street has had murders, Ken Barlow affairs and hotpots for decades.

EastEnders has had menacing gangsters, unplanned pregnancies and Ian Beale crying for years.

Emmerdale has had sheep, plane crashes and Marilyn from Home & Away inexplicably roaming around the dales for yonks.

The point is that you know what you’re going to get from a ‘Series’, because you can see the pattern.

Now if you happened to watch the first episode of a new series last weekend called ‘FPL Season 2019/20’ and you think you know what’s coming next, you’re an idiot.

So, put down that Wildcard chip, stop f*cking panicking, and at least wait for GW2 to happen before drawing any conclusions. Remember Steve Mounie? He didn’t turn out to be the next Alan Shearer, did he? Yet he scored two goals in GW1 in August 2017 and promptly stank the place out for the next nine months.

In short, nobody knows what’s coming next. So, with that, here’s my predictions for GW2!

Defender: John Egan, Sheffield United  

The Blades had the best defensive record in the Championship last season, which Egan was at the heart of, and they looked very much at home in the cut and thrust of the Premier League when they visited Dean’s Court last weekend.

This weekend the Premier League returns to Bramall Lane, the scene of the very first Premier League goal in history, scored by Brian Deane past a hopeless Danish keeper called Schmeichel. Clearly that was a sign of things to come in the future, eh?

Crystal Palace are the visitors this time featuring Christian ‘I used to score goals’ Benteke, Wilfried ‘I’m a good player get me out of here’ Zaha, and ‘Mad’ Max Meyer. While their away from was their saviour last season, something tells me that The Hodge has a tougher job on his hands this season, and a bouncing Bramall Lane will be a tough place to perform.

 

 

Midfielder: John McGinn, Aston Villa

This season’s version of Ryan Fraser.

You can thank me next May.

 

 

Forward: Teemu Pukki, Norwich City

Norwich look like they’re going to have a real go this season. They attacked Liverpool with gusto on Friday night, deservedly grabbing a consolation goal which was finished with aplomb by their Finnish finisher Pukki.

This weekend the Geordie Circus rolls into town with Steve Bruce in a top hat and Mike Ashley as usual playing the clown. Carrow Road will be hopping, Delia will have been on the sherry since lunchtime, and by 5pm you’ll be crowing about how this Canary helped you nail GW2.

Captain: Mo Salah, Liverpool

Aubameyang faces Burnley at 12:30 on Saturday. I never Captain a player at that time slot, and neither should you.

Sterling/Aguero and friends have a tricky enough looking home game against Spurs. While they may well run riot once more, Spurs are no mugs and may stifle the home side for a while at least.

That leaves Salah at Southampton. He notched there last season when he ran for 50 yards before slotting from outside the box. The Saints were battered by Burnley last weekend and showed defensive vulnerability, and whatever shortcomings you may see in Liverpool so far this season, they look to be as razor sharp offensively as ever.

So, it’s Mo once more.

Outsider: Adrian, Liverpool  

£4.5m to get a guaranteed starter in the best defence last season?

This climate change lark is getting out of hand. It’s Christmas in August FFS!

 

Draft: Moise Kean, Everton 

Everton have signed a young Irish lad from Juventus who should be leading the line very soon and banging in goals for fun.

At least, I’m assuming he’s Irish with a name like Mossie Keane. Wait, what? Moise Kean? Not qualified for Ireland?

Meh, it didn’t stop Tony Cascarino.

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

This week @JackAGoodwin has decided to write about 5 Totally useless Fantasy Players from GW1. Word of warning – Do Not Pick Them

  1. Oliver Skipp – Midfielder – Tottenham – £4.5M.

18-year-old Oliver debuted in the league last season, with 8 appearances. This season, 1 game, 1 appearance, that’s brilliant right? Well, not so much for 25,000 fantasy managers who picked him in their squads (unless he’s way back in sub #3 position). Fun fact, ‘Skippy’ actually featured in seven different competitions across four age groups in 2018/19. This season, he made his first appearance for Tottenham against Villa in the opening fixture coming on the pitch at 92 minutes. The match ended at 93 minutes. A Solid performance from the lad! (total fantasy points = 1).

 

  1. Bernardo Fernandes da Silva Junior – Defender – Brighton – £4.5M.

We’ll call him just Bernardo shall we, shall we? Can we all agree on that? Well, Bernardo had 22 appearances last season, accumulating a rather terrible 39 points total. This season, surely the Brazilian can inject some flair into the Brighton backline. Not this week he can’t. Taking a page from Skipp’s book he appeared for a total of 1 minute before the final whistle. Hey, it’s an appearance right? He deserves the ice bath afterwards, right? (total fantasy points = 1)

  1. Dominic Solanke – Forward – Bournemouth – £5.5M.

We’ll call him Dominic Ayodele Solanke-Mitchell, shall we? No? Dom is an unbelievably talented 21 year old. But, as we know, if you’re not already at the level of Mbappe, Neymar or Andy Carroll by that age then you’re “never going to make it”! In his 6 years in professional football, Dom has scored a TOTAL of 8 goals – that’s not the best stat is it? So why then did 31,000 people still bring him into their teams? Unsure, to be honest with you there Jack (you all scream). There’s a theme here, as Dom registered 1 minute of playing time in the 1-1 draw to Sheffield United – say it with me guys…. Impact. Player! (total fantasy points = 1) P.s. Dom has an Instagram account, apparently. His Twitter (of 180K+ followers) bio highlights his Insta account with a nice clickable link directly to it so you don’t miss a post. I clicked it. I must’ve been the only soul to do so. 3 followers. 1 following. Sad. Actually what’s happened here, is little Dom has typed his details in wrong – oh how I laughed…

  1. Grant Hanley – Defender – Norwich – £4M.

YES!! A £4M player who actually played for the full 90 minutes! Steady there chaps, Grant had a shocker. He scored the first goal of the 2019-20 Premier League season (into his own net) and went on to concede another 3 goals in the game. This is a man who was club captain and lifted the Championship trophy just months ago with a big ol’ grin across his Scottish face. How the mighty fall eh? (total fantasy points = -2, yes that is a minus before the 2).

  1. Kurt Zouma – Defender – Chelsea – £5M.

Another defensive clanger here as Kurt not only faced the mighty Man United in a 4 goal bashing, but decided he didn’t like the look of Pereira’s shins so jumped all over them in an act worthy of a yellow card. -1 points for the game, -1 points for the 185,000 managers with him in their teams. Here’s something I betcha didn’t know – Kurt’s middle name, is Happy, and in interviews he believes that it is his middle name which makes him so god damn smiley. We’ve all learnt today. Another fact about Happy Kurt, he is named after Kurt Sloane, Jean-Claude Van Damme’s character in the 1989 film Kickboxer. What a guy.

 

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

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