Written by @NiallHawthorne
The year 2020 is so far beyond weird that it’s laughable. It’s completely bonkers.
Who would have foreseen that the toughest opponent Marcus Rashford would face this season would be Boris bloody Johnson?
Who would have contemplated an entire nation going into mourning because a dolphin has gone off for a swim for a couple of weeks? (If you’re not Irish, google ‘Fungie’ and don’t judge us)
Who would have thought that the fabled Leicester City miracle season would be replicated within five years? Escape relegation by the skin of your teeth, start the next season like a steam-train, get talented yet under-achieving midfielders playing to their full potential, and unearth a lethal striker from the lower leagues….Aston Villa are willing the title this year…
As I said, bonkers! Onto GW6!
Defender: Max Kilman, Wolverhampton Wanderers
Nominative determinism is a powerful force. This is the term applied to people who end up doing for a living what their name has always suggested they should do.
- Hubert Legal is a solicitor for the EU Council.
- Daniel Snowman wrote a book about the polar regions.
- A.J. Splatt and D. Weedon wrote a paper together about incontinence.
I’m not sure where the future is going to take Max Kilman, but if he turns out to be the world’s most prolific serial killer, it’s not really his fault, is it?
Before he heads down that road, he’s made a promising start to his Premier League career, with two clean sheets and an assist to his name in his first two appearances. He’s only £4.1m and owned by less than 7% of FPL players, so let’s all enjoy him before he develops a taste for a nice chianti and some fava beans.
Midfielder: Ross Barkley, Aston Villa
Ross Barkley has been holding onto the ‘promising’ tag longer than Boris Johnson has been holding the ‘buffoon’ tag. Eventually though, the tags change.
Ross is entering his TENTH premier league season, so we need to stop calling him promising, and admit that up to now he’s over-promised and under-delivered. Boris Johnson has stopped being bumbling and evolved into pure undiluted evil.
Barkley seems to have licence to bomb forward in this Villa system, and has plundered two goals in two games since he departed Stamford Bridge. He’s got three straightforward home games in the next four GW’s, and is owned by fewer than 3%.
Forward: Sergio Aguero, Manchester City
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
This tip has a 50% chance of getting you 20+ points.
This tip has a 49% chance of getting you 1 point after an 89th minute cameo from the bench.
This tip has a 1% chance of getting you 0 points after Sergio Aguero is revealed to be a surprise entrant in ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ before the weekend.
However, he’s owned by 2.1% of players, Manchester City have no fit strikers available, and you can just smell the potential.
You damn fool.
Captain: Mohamed Salah, Liverpool
Six goals and an assist. Two double digit hauls. One 20-point haul. All in just five games.
This weekend Liverpool welcome Sheffield United to Anfield, and this is a very different Sheffield United to last season’s Sheffield United. The Blades appear dull and blunt.
Much has been made of topsy-turvy start to the season by the reigning champions, however they have played five league games and never failed to score less than twice. Salah and friends were hauled off en masse before the hour mark in Amsterdam, surely with an eye on this clash. Liverpool may also, on a sub-conscious level at least, adopt a motto of ‘we’ll score one more than you’.
This could get very, very messy.
Outsider: Michy Batshuayi, Crystal Palace
Who else could I tip in a column that elaborates on how batsh*t mental this year is, than a player they call Batman?
With Jordan Ayew being all COVID-y, there’s a window of opportunity for Batshuayi to stake a claim for a permanent spot alongside Wilf Zaha. He threw in a cheeky assist in his first start last weekend, costs under £6.0m and is owned by less than 1%.
If you back Batman, you could be Robin a lead on your opponents.
I’ll get my coat.
Written by Niall Hawthorne.
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Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.
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