written by Mr. Niall Hawthorne
I’m not saying that the world is a confusing place right now, but if my casual glance at the news today is right, then Russia is about to win gold at the Winter Olympics in the ‘Threatening to start a war’ event. Their athlete Vladimir Putin solved his Wordle in just four moves despite the American spelling, and then held a party in Downing Street where some D*** resigned.
GW25 Defender: Marc Cucurella, Brighton & Hove Albion
Two games for a Brighton defence that is the very definition of a tease for the last few weeks.
In the past 12 GW’s, they’ve only conceded more than a goal once, but they’ve also only kept 3 clean sheets. That means for 8 of the last 12 GW’s they’ve conceded just one solitary goal. Now, that’s got to be a trend towards defensive returns, right?
This week they play Watford and Manchester United.
One is a club being run shambolically with constant managerial changes, underperforming staff and now being managed by an over-the-hill old git who used to be respected as being ‘cutting edge’ once upon a time in the dark mists of history.
The other is Watford.
£5.1m and under 5% ownership, this is a differential punt. I said punt.
GW25 Midfielder: Conor Gallagher, Crystal Palace
7 goals and 5 assists for the Chelsea loanee this season, and this week he takes on a Brentford side that are shipping goals at an alarming rate in recent weeks. 14 goals in their last 5 games, to be precise.
It’s Bees v Eagles in a London derby on Saturday afternoon, and I fancy this Eagle to soar in this one.
GW25 Forward: Allan Saint-Maximin, Newcastle United
Did you see him the other night? I haven’t seen somebody on my TV move that quickly since Wile E. Coyote had an ACME knife and fork in his hand at dinnertime.
Two goals and an assist in his last four games shows decent form for a forward in the Premier League, which is a position that seems to be dying out of the game, weirdly.
This week he faces Stevie G’s Villa who shipped three goals last time out, so there you go, that’s ALL the logic.
Oh, and I’m not picking Ronaldo. Just because.
GW25 Captain: Kevin De Bruyne, Manchester City
66 points in his last 8 games. That’s over 8 points a game if my calculator is to be believed, but then again can you really believe calculators these days?
Calculators are controlled by the Alt-Right who make us believe that 2+2 = 4 from an early age so we trust whatever we tell them for the rest of our lives. Calculators define our calculations in every aspect of our existence, and we never question them. The more advanced ones even goad us. Sin? It’s not ‘Sine’, it actually says Sin, the evil b*stards. Cos? They do this, just ‘cos. Function? Yes, we can, but only if they let us, and they know it.
Open your eyes sheeple. They’ve infiltrated your phones, they know everything about you! You can delete your Facebooks or your Twitters but who deletes their Calculator app? NOBODY! It’s always there, watching, learning, calculating.
Anyway, KDB for Captain this week.
GW25 Outsider: Samir Caetano de Souza Santos, Watford
I’m long overdue a 0.0% scoring tip, and I have a feeling this week could be it.
This lad plays for Watford, in defence, which is now being marshalled by Roy Hodgson. They’ve only conceded one goal in their last two games, and that was a jammy deflection at West Ham.
£4.5m and NOBODY owns him. Oh, and he’s playing Brighton, who aren’t exactly prolific.