We finally reach the end of this turgid, harrowing, depressing, weird, condensed FPL season.
To those of you who are winning you should know that this season will forever have an Asterix next to it and it doesn’t count.*
To those of you like me who have languished badly all season and the game stopped making sense, you shall inherit the earth. It’s the game that’s wrong, not you.
Roll on GW1 of next season when we’ll have sunshine, fans in stadiums and normality back once more. We’ll have a cracking four team title race, nine teams in relegation trouble all season long, VAR will finally work like it’s supposed to, and Micah Richards will body slam Gary Neville after the laughing finally stops.
Defender: Stuart Dallas, Leeds United
Let’s finish the season with the top-scoring defender in the game, eh?
Earlier this season Leeds United walloped The Baggies by five, with Dallas getting an assist, three bonus points and a 12-point haul. With Big Sam departing stage left holding a pint of wine in his right hand and a gravy boat in his left hand, West Brom players will have their minds elsewhere as they frantically try to get a new contract at a Premier League club. If your name is not Pereira, best of luck with that.
Dallas to score, keep a clean sheet and then step out of the shower after the game to reveal that this whole season has just been a dream.
We can hope.
Midfielder: Gareth Bale, Tottenham Hotspur
Gareth Bale has 9 goals, 3 assists and has played over 60 minutes in a game just 9 times this season.
If he could ever be arsed about football again, he’d be amazing.
Alas his head doesn’t seem to be in the game anymore, and after this game nobody has a clue as to where he will end up next season – The Real Madrid bench? The Spurs team? The golf course? Your guess is as good as mine.
However, he didn’t start last week against Villa so I reckon he’s nailed on to start this weekend and may well sign off (possibly) from Spurs once more with a goal or two.
Forward: Sergio Aguero, Manchester City
Choosing who to pick up front this week was impossible!
Firmino is bang in form, playing for a team on a mission, has two goals and an assist against the same opponent from earlier in the season.
Harry Kane wants the golden boot almost as much as he wants to leave Spurs.
Kelechi Iheanacho can’t stop scoring and wants to fire Leicester into the Champions League again.
Chris Wood is the form striker in the league and faces Sheffield United.
Patrick Bamford faces relegated West Brom who he scored 8 points against earlier this season.
They all make compelling cases, but my gut, my head and my heart say it’s time to say farewell to Sergio Aguero by sticking him up front. His last ever Premier League game (unless he fancies partnering Teemu Pukki up front at Carrow Road next season), and we say farewell to a true Premier League legend.
Only Andy Cole, Wayne Rooney and Alan Shearer have scored more than the Argentinian maestro. While Pep will be rotating his team ahead of the European Cup final, this is the perfect opportunity to give Aguero a fully deserved swansong, because barring injury he ain’t starting against Chelsea in Portugal!
The returning City fans could witness the final goal(s) of the Aguero era, and he only needs five to catch Andy Cole….
Captain: Mohamed Salah, Liverpool
The final big call for you to make, and there are some golden rules you should always keep in mind.
Firstly, always pick a player who has something to play for. Secondly, pick a player in form right now. Thirdly, always captain Salah.
With all three boxes ticked, you should captain Mo Salah.
Outsider: Fabio Carvalho, Fulham
Let’s try to squeeze in just one more 0.0% owned point-scoring tip this season, shall we?
Fabio Carvalho has started the last two for Fulham, scoring in one, and faces Newcastle at home, and we all know how rubbish Newcastle are, right? (Yes, I admit they did better than I expected, well done Newcastle fans).
So that’s that. My final preview for another season. Thanks for reading. Thanks for not shouting at me when I was wrong. You could tell me you love me when I’m right, but we can work on that. So, until the website uploads the new players for next season, and we all start working on the first of our 1,274 draft teams, for one last time it’s your move….
*Yes, it counts. Well done. I’m just jealous.