Every week I put quite a lot of thought into my pre-tip preamble, and I’ve been made aware that there’s a chance nobody reads what I say here.
As is the way of the modern world, my tips are simply sought, consumed and digested, with nary a thought for the nuanced, thought-provoking and worldly-wise gems I distil into these paragraphs for all of you.
So as an experiment, I thought I’d ask those of you who do read this section to reply to @FantasyYIRMA or myself (@NiallHawthorne) with the words ‘Purple Monkey Dishwasher’. Then I’ll know if I can save myself time each week by not bothering, or whether I can put truly outrageous comments in here safe in the knowledge that no bugger will read them.
Defender: Ezri Konsa Ngoyo, Aston Villa
Four clean sheets in his last six appearances, and a fixture away against a Newcastle side with an attack as insipid, spineless and redundant as a common Piers Morgan.
That’s it. That’s the tip. I just really, really wanted to get the Piers Morgan line in there.
Midfielder: Mason Mount, Chelsea
Young Mason has three goals in his last six league appearances while picking up seven bonus points at the same time, so he’s bang in form and that can’t come as any great surprise.
He looks like that smarmy kid in school that just has to impress the new teacher who arrives halfway through term. His perfect hair and cheeky grin make him the apple of Tuchel’s eye but hide the fact that he’s a bit of a git.
If you own him though, he’ll be your git. He’s playing Leeds United too, so I’m giving you the gift of a git.
Forward: Kelechi Iheanacho, Leicester City
When his career finally concludes, I wonder whether Kelechi will glance at the honours of Gabriel Jesus and pause for a moment to wonder if it could, or even should, have been him.
Sold to Leicester City for £25m on a five-year deal, he was replaced in the City squad by Jesus as Pep clearly didn’t think he was up to the task of supporting/replacing Sergio Aguero. Has Jesus really been that much of an upgrade on Iheanacho? With two league titles, an FA Cup and three League Cups on the line, I wonder will Iheanacho feel a bit hard done by?
In any case he’s now doing the same job behind another iconic Premier League striker in Jamie Vardy, and with the recent injuries to Maddison and Barnes, he’s now getting regular starts and is repaying the faith of his manager. Goals in consecutive starts and he faces rock-bottom Sheffield United this weekend. At £5.6m and under 1% ownership, he could be a differential to consider.
Captain: Harry Kane, Tottenham Hotspur
In 12 league games against Arsenal, Harry Kane has 11 goals and 2 assists. Astonishing.
In 28 league games this season, Harry Kane has 16 goals and 13 assists. Incredible.
Not captaining Harry Kane this weekend? Bizarre.
Outsider: Thiago Alcantara do Nascimento
This tip is predicated on the assumption that Liverpool don’t pick up an injury or three to their centre backs between now and Monday night, which is admittedly a big assumption.
If that does not happen, you have Fabinho as a defensive midfield maestro and that pushes Thiago further forward where he can make things happen.
He will make things happen.