Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 32 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

The star of the show in GW32 was a player that was destined to do great things for Spurs since Daddy Son eyed up Mammy Son across a dance-floor in 1991, many thousands of miles from North London (in Chuncheon, South Korea to be precise).

I recommend a luncheon in Chuncheon

It’s fate, it’s destiny, it’s just meant to be. How else can you explain a footballer from the other side of the world playing in North London with the quintessential surname to suit the cries from the Spurs fans?

‘Go on my Son!’

‘Get in there my Son!’

‘I laaave you my Son!’

Many of us eyed up Spurs v Watford as a potential boot-filler for our Spurs attacking midfielders, with Harry Kane still on the mend. Indeed, I plumped for a Captain Eriksen differential myself, so I was only too thrilled to see Son amass 19 fecking points…GAH.

Indeed it was a week for ‘differentials’, which is just fantasy football nerd-speak for ‘who the hell saw THAT coming?’, which brings me nicely onto Andros Townsend. Yes, Andros. Townsend. THAT Andros Townsend. 14 points to plunge the dagger into the quivering heart of Arsene Wenger and light the fuse on Arsenal TV for the world to enjoy. Magnificent.

I predict BAFTA’s…lots of them….

Mind you, if you thought that was unlikely, you would need to have been from the future to have drafted in Phil ‘I played in the Premier League for Sheffield United you know’ Jagielka a couple of games ago when Funes Mori was crocked. For the second week in a row ‘Jags’ racked up a double digit score without keeping a clean sheet. At this rate he’ll be picked as a striker by Gareth Southgate for the next England squad. It’s not that unlikely you know. Remember the Sheffield Wednesday defender Paul Warhurst? He got chucked up front as an ’emergency striker’ in 1992, scored 12 in 12 and got a call up for the next England squad. So I’m starting the ‘Jags To Lead The Lions Line’ campaign here.

No, I didn’t make it up…

In a far more predictable development, Romelu Lukaku clocked up yet another double digit score at home for Everton, the 5th time in 7 home games he’s managed to do so. He always delivers the Good(i)s(on) at home…(sorry, not sorry). On more than one occasion I have seriously considered using the Triple Captain chip on the big Belgian at Goodison, but here I am, with 6 Gameweeks left, clinging onto the chip, pretty sure that I’ll take it with me into next season. You can do that, right? RIGHT?

Honourable mentions for Wilf Zaha and Josh King who have continued their fine form, and also for Jose Mourinho, who threw new batteries into his PS4 controller and expertly guided Luke Shaw around for 90 minutes at The Stadium of Light for a 10 point haul. You didn’t think it had anything to do with Luke himself, did you?

That match also saw Zlatan grab 12 points against the Moyes’ Mighty Mackems, but you’d be loathe to draft him in now with THAT run-in ahead of them (says the jittery Liverpool fan).

Now that we’ve covered those who delivered, let’s move onto the poxbottles who left us down…

I’m not saying that Alexis Sanchez is an expensive liability, but £11.6m for a midfielder with a face like a smacked arse, an attitude to match and who’s wearing Chelsea underwear in every game is too much for any self-respecting Fantasy Football manager to carry.

Begone Alexis! I smithe thee to the realms of next season where thou may be playing for a good team and I shall consider thee selectable once more!

My neck hurts looking up the table all the time…

Dear Kyle Walker, would it trouble you so much to send me a quick text to let me know that you’re going to spend a couple of weeks picking splinters out of your arse?

As for Sergio Aguero, there used to be a glorious time in Fantasy Football land when you just knew that a home game v Hull meant you didn’t need to worry about your Captaincy choice that week. He’d be guaranteed at least 15 points…but alas those days are long behind us. With a meagre 9 points (it’s all relative, right?), many were indeed extending his ‘nickname’ on Saturday night…KUN…

Finally, as if proof was ever needed, the worlds of ‘Real Football’ and ‘Fantasy Football’ are light years apart. In the ‘Real’ world, Jurgen Klopp is sitting pretty having squeaked out of Stoke with 3 points. In ‘Fantasy Football’ world though there are many who are cursing under their breath at his decision to start the game without his Brazilian Brothers. Yes I know they came on and did the business, but Stoke are woejious (that’s an Irish term for utter sh*te), so who knows how many points they could have scored with a full 90 minutes? Mind you, kudos to some of the Liverpool fans on Twitter who are working out how to ‘repay’ Coutinho for hauling himself off his sick bed to help the cause on Saturday. I don’t know lads, but surely £100,000 a week is thanks enough?

By @NiallHawthorne

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things. Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

You can read more from him also on twitter at

@NiallHawthorne

His views are his own, because quite simply nobody else would have them.