Feeling Fuzzy: #FPL Gameweek 4 Review – “Clearly, Flamini has Supernatural Powers”
Written by @FuzzyWarbles
Right, let’s just get this out of the way quickly…
As part of my agreement in writing for @FantasyYIRMA, I am contractually obligated to discuss Mathieu Flamini whenever possible. Since my last report, which you may also refer to as my first report, the Frenchman has latched on to another Premier League club, signing with Crystal Palace toward the end of the transfer window. This would not be seen as headline news in most circles, but in the YIRMAverse, Flamini is the Kim Kardashian of footballers. We must know what Flamini has for breakfast, where Flamini likes to go shopping, whether or not Flamini still has his wisdom teeth.
Forget Brexit, nevermind climate change, toss aside all inconsequential conversation because it is all Flamini, all the time and, this week, it is no different with my Week 4 review.
The arrival of Flamini to the Eagles set off a course of events that gives clear indication as to why @FantasyYIRMA is obsessed with an otherwise run-of-the-mill central midfielder. You see, before Flamini even left Arsenal, his lack of playing time created a void in YIRMA’s life, a void that needed to be filled.
He decided to switch his focus to #LukakuWatchYIRMA, a mesmerizing experiment to see what would happen if one were to monitor and record the scoring exploits of Everton striker Romelu Lukaku.
What followed defied all probability.
The Belgian came up empty, week after week, all the way through the end of last season and it picked up right where it left off in August. One need not be superstitious to buy into the idea that the “watch” had ruined Lukaku. There was no end in sight to his drought and, should YIRMA have continued the experiment indefinitely, it could have brought about a quick end to Lukaku’s promising career. Only some measure of divine intervention could rescue Lukaku from his YIRMA-inspired freefall.
Enter: Mathieu Flamini
You can call it a coincidence if you like, but you are only fooling yourself. When Flamini made his Palace debut, all seven glorious minutes of it, a curse no one else could possibly break, was indeed broken. Flamini played on Saturday and two days later, Romelu Lukaku scored, not once, not twice, but THREE times. I say with absolute sincerity and reverence – Mathieu Flamini is not human. He is not of this Earth.
Proof of this can be found in a little movie you may know called “E.T.”. If you have never seen “E.T.”, 1) congratulations, you are under the age of 30 and enjoying the prime of your youth or 2) you have been living under a rock for over 30 years, but thankfully still have wifi access. For the rest of you normal, middle-aged lot, perhaps you can see the parallel I am drawing here. If you remember, E.T. was left behind by his alien brethren and was fortunate to find shelter and companionship with a boy named Elliot. E.T and Elliot formed a close bond, to where they began to share the same feelings. If E.T. was cold, Elliot felt cold. If E.T. was hungry, Elliot felt cold.
When E.T. decided to get drunk on cheap beer, Elliot became equally hammered, wasted and interesting. E.T. also had the power to heal wounds instantly. But, when E.T. was separated from Elliot, he began to get sick, he began to die. He had a codependency problem, let’s be honest. However, when Elliot was reunited with E.T., everything was made right again.
Flamini’s relationship with Lukaku is obviously the exact same situation. His return HEALED Lukaku. And, much like he did in a movie theater in 1982, YIRMA shed a euphoric tear.
It seems fruitless to touch upon any of the other storylines of Gameweek 4, but I will give it my best try.
I am overwhelmed by emotion now. Right, there were some great matches this weekend starting with the Manchester derby. We were given our first glimpse as to why Pep Guardiola was so driven to replace Joe Hart with Claudio Bravo. Pep clearly fancies the Chilean’s footwork. Henrikh Mkhitaryan delivered a dazzling debut for Jose Mourinho, so much so that the manager felt he better take the Armenian out of the game early, because it simply isn’t fair to dominate the opposition to that degree for 90 full minutes. And Raheem Sterling rewarded fantasy managers who brought him in this round with a vintage Sterling performance – 59 minutes played and….well, yeah, that’s what he did.
Stoke City proved once again how good a top flight club can be with Shay Given between the sticks by conceding only four goals to Spurs. Swansea v Chelsea went precisely the way it has gone in recent years, Costa scores goals while Swansea gets a result. Watford were kind enough to allow West Ham to think they were good for a few minutes before putting four past them. By the way, can I talk about Etienne Capoue for a minute? Is this really the breakout budget fantasy player of the season? I find it hard to fathom but not as hard as I find myself feeling with his points on my bench every week. Folks are calling him the “new Yaya” though I think that is completely way off base. Capoue actually runs around the pitch for 90 minutes. I have yet to see him excel at standing still for three minutes straight the way Yaya Toure can. Maybe one day you can reach those heights, Etienne…maybe.
In all, Week 4 was the perfect return to club football after the international break, reminding us why we love the game so much, rounding off with a Lukaku hat trick that can only be credited to the wizardry of one Mathieu Flamini. We are but mortal men, privileged to have the opportunity to witness the powers of the supernatural, if only in the form of a seven minute run-out.