Let’s talk about Jesus and Robotics this week..


Written by @CraigHazell – (that’s important!)



DEFENDER: Patrick Van Aanholt, Crystal Palace

Let’s face it, I had a stinker in midweek and judging by the average score, most of you did too. So here’s hoping I get back on track at the weekend. Patrick Van Aanholt was a tempting FPL pick at Sunderland and his stock probably rises at a slightly less shit Palace. While he’s done the footballing equivalent of cancelling his cruise on the Titanic to book a flight on Oceanic 815, he has moved to a team much more productive in front of goal. Palace have 32 goals to Sunderland’s 20 this season and PVA (snigger) is a very attacking full back. Palace finally got a win and a clean sheet last week and Big Sam will relish throwing him in against his old club. With Defoe not scoring in a few games, Sunderland look lost for goals and no amount of Darron Gibson’s can fix that


MIDFIELDER: Leroy Sane, Manchester City

Man City bloody love playing at The London Stadium. They somehow turn into the Harlem Globe Trotters when they walk onto that pitch and their dismantling of West Ham for a second time really sent a message to the rest of the league. Sadly, for City fans that message was ‘Hi guys, we can’t win the league but we will be a bloody good 3rd place’. Leroy Sane hasn’t been given much opportunity this season but got his first 90 minutes against spurs and his second against West Ham, clocking up 13 points over the two. If anyone can wear one of those I Heart London t-shirts without looking like a prick it’s him. If he continues to start you bag yourself a starting top 4 midfielder for 7.5m


FORWARD: Peter Crouch, Stoke

The most in form striker in the Premier League happens to be 4.9m and 6 ft 7 tall. That’s right it’s Robotics graduate Peter Crouch. Astonishingly, he had only managed more than a half an hour once all season before starting against Liverpool and since then he has 4 goals and 2 assists in the last 5 games. His criticism at International level was that his goals only came against minnows. But to Crouch everyone is a minnow! This run has included games against United, Chelsea and Everton. If he carries on this form, you can bet he will be included a fair few squads and maybe even Gareth Southgate’s.

CAPTAIN: Diego Costa, Chelsea

I thought long and hard and as much as all the usual suspects disappointed last week with Kane, Aguero, Ibra, Lukaku all doing very little I am going to suggest captaining Diego Costa at home to Arsenal this week. This will have Arsenal fans rushing towards their periscope and they may even come at me with their selfie sticks but Chelsea are just a better team than Arsenal. That’s not a revelation to say. The Gunners beat them 3-0 in their first meeting this season and Chelsea will be hell bent on proving they are a different prospect altogether now. Costa only has 2 goals against them in his 3 seasons in England so far but has been the most consistent striker all season and I don’t think you should shy away from big players in big games. He certainly won’t.

OUTSIDER: Jesus, Manchester City

In the words of my God bothering, happy clappy Dad, it has to be Jesus. Not since Big Pete the Apostle in 30AD said ‘that fella is doing some mental things with bread’ has the name Jesus raised so many eyebrows, by claiming that the Premier League was a lot easier than he thought. Not the ringing endorsement Jose Fonte wanted as he settled into his new multi million pound contract. A goal and an assist has rocketed the starlet up to 2.8% and I have a hunch this could be the last week he is eligible for the outsider category. Swansea have been in great nick with wins against Liverpool and Saints but if the new City play like they did midweek then Paul Clement might get a bit of a humbling.



Craig Hazell is a television professional, writer and Heart of Midlothian fan who makes up one third of the popular FPL podcast The Gaffer Tapes. As a student, Craig won the BBC Sports Broadcaster and Comedy Broadcaster of the year, before going onto to be a regular on the London open mic comedy circuit. He now writes about anything from TV & Movies, to food and of course football, providing he can shoehorn a 90s pop culture reference into just about anything.

Check out The Gaffer Tapes Podcast Here


Posted on 4 Feb 2017, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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