Feeling Fuzzy: Gameweek 22 Review
“Clearly, Nothing Is Clear Anymore”
Written by @FuzzyWarbles (That’s important)
Am I doing this right?
I am not quite sure if I am currently typing this on my laptop or an Etch-A-Sketch. I am not sure if the language I am using is English or Klingon. There is even some doubt as to whether what I am breathing in and out of my lungs right now is air or marshmallow fluff.
Who is to say? Now that we are living in a world that allows for alternative facts.
I mean, according the the FPL site, I dropped 10k in the rankings after Week 22, going from 43k to 53k, but in a world where I can ignore this concrete information and replace it with something I like better, I will go ahead and alter how my weekend went…..
…..There. Now I’m ranked #4 overall in the world. I had another alternative fact of being ranked #1, but thought better of it and settled for #4.
Ahh, yes. The era of _________ Trump is officially underway and, after a positive sign that he is here to make good on his promises by immediately removing curtains and couches from the Oval Office and replacing them with versions made of gold, it seems obvious to me that America, and the world, is in good, tiny hands. Hey, what’s not to like about the guy? When asked about what he planned to do immediately following his inauguration Friday, he said he would get started Monday.
Trump gets the weekends off. Alternative fact: his Saturdays and Sundays are freed up to play FPL.
So what went down in the first round in this new age of alternative facts?
Let’s review the highlights: (Ed: I’m calling this “Playing your #FPL Trump Card” 1 use per season!)
LIVERPOOL VS SWANSEA
FACT: Swansea pulled off a shocking 2-3 win at Anfield, lifting them from the bottom of the league table.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Liverpool supporters are confident the defence will carry them to the title.
CRYSTAL PALACE VS EVERTON
FACT: The Toffees are on fire with three league wins on the trot, combining to outscore their opponents, 8-0.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Tom Davies, the new darling 5th midfielder who assisted the game’s lone goal, is actually Ryan Giggs’ great-great-grandnephew.
BOURNEMOUTH VS WATFORD
FACT: The Cherries found two equalizers to snatch a point from Watford.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Hornets defender Miguel Britos has his own line of snack foods that include Britos’ Fritos, Britos’ Cheetos and Britos’ Doritos.
MIDDLESBROUGH VS WEST HAM
FACT: Andy Carroll enters the thinking of FPL managers looking for a budget 3rd striker after bagging a brace in a West Ham win.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Carroll has a great track record of staying fit the moment he hits form.
STOKE VS MANCHESTER UNITED
FACT: Rooney breaks Sir Bobby Charlton’s United goal-scoring record with a last second free kick to earn a point against Stoke.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: The previous record was actually owned by Sir Mix-A-Lot.
WEST BROM VS SUNDERLAND
FACT: West Brom are having a terrific season, sitting eighth in the table with a positive goal difference.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: With a move to Stoke, football fans everywhere mourn the loss of continuous Saido Berahino transfer rumours.
MANCHESTER CITY VS SPURS
FACT: City drop two points at home after a two goal cushion in the second half.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Claudio Bravo’s save percentage is as good as Geico’s. 10% or more.
SOUTHAMPTON VS LEICESTER
FACT: Saints get a much needed win after four straight league losses with solid performance on both sides of the ball.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Leicester won the title last year. (Wait, that’s a fact. It just doesn’t seem possible)
ARSENAL VS BURNLEY
FACT: Gunners escape with win after near-disaster result with Burnley.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: I like Arsenal.
CHELSEA VS HULL
FACT: Blues widen gap at the top with an expected win over the Tigers.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Diego Costa had a back problem the week before.
So there you have it. What a productive column! I have touched on all of the matches. I have presented facts and alternative facts. And, incredibly, I am still several hundred words short of my typical 1,000 word target. It is as though I can do this job in a new way where I don’t work very hard or pay attention to what is actually happening, allowing me to focus on more important things like my Twitter account and gold decor in my office. I like the look of these curtains so much, I might invest in some golden shower curtains too.