Written by Mr. @NiallHawthorne

Well that was a nice dull start to the new season, eh?

34 goals, 14 players with double digit hauls and if you had neither Bruno nor Salah, your season is over before it has begun.

What larks!

Onto GW2!

Defender: Oleksandr Zinchenko, Manchester City

I can’t tip TAA again, even though he’s home to Burnley, Liverpool have an actual real defence and Trent was superb going forward against Norwich.

So, this week I’m going for a Manchester City defender not called Mendy or Ake, who were both hilariously rubbish against Spurs. Surely Zinchenko gets the call to slot into that defence that should be troubled less than Prime Minister Johnson troubles the truth, about anything.

Nailed on clean sheet and he may just be played as a wing-back y’know….

Midfielder: Wilfried Zaha, Crystal Palace

The classic GW2 switcharoo is coming, and I ain’t going to miss it this season.

In the red corner you have Brentford, bouncing after their demolition of Arsenal in their first ever Premier League game.

In the blue corner you have Palace, whomped by Chelsea on the opening weekend.

This is going to be a slap of the reality stick for Brentford because that’s what ALWAYS happens. Remember Huddersfield and Mounie? EXACTLY.

Zaha to run amok, with at least a goal and an assist and three bonus points.

Forward: Patrick Bamford, Leeds United

Leeds v Everton, or for me it’s Bamford v DCL.

I currently own Big Pat Bamford, who did the sum total of absolutely nothing at Old Trafford, but experience teaches me not to judge on GW1. So, he’s got another chance, this time against a team that has his potential FPL replacement in it.

Bielsa will demand a reaction to their Manchester mauling and I reckon Everton are gonna get it.

A Bamford brace, book it!

Captain: Mo Salah, Liverpool

Golden Rule #1: Always. Captain. Salah.

I may not tip him every week. Then again, I may.

He’s home to Burnley, he got three returns in GW1, and you can’t take risks with your captaincy.

Outsider: Alexis Mac Allister, Brighton & Hove Albion

The guy with the South American/Scottish/Irish name was sprung from the Brighton bench to score the winner at Burnley, and I can see him getting a start against Watford.

Owned by 0.3% of players and costing just £5.5m, he could be the differential you need…if you were daft enough not to have Bruno or Salah in GW1, ya big eejit.

Your move…