Hands Up… Who Had Darren Fletcher in their Fantasy Team?

Oct 31

Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 10 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

Aside from the fact that he scored a goal, provided an assist and racked up three Bonus Points for a mammoth 14 point haul, Sead Kolasinac is an interesting character for other reasons. Firstly, he looks to be a solid, tough player who won’t be pushed around easily that was purchased by Arsene Wenger. In the 21st Century, that’s as rare as rocking-horse sh*t. Secondly, he is the proud holder of a World Cup record, having scored the fastest own-goal in World Cup history, against Argentina in 2014. In my mind that makes him the anti-Bryan Robson, and let’s be honest, that’s probably a good thing. Particularly when it comes to bubble perms.

Second on our list of FPL heroes this week is a Man City player who was just trolling 95% of us this weekend, namely Fernando Luiz Rosa, also known as Fernandinho. While the vast majority of us were toiling over Aguero v Jesus, Sane v Sterling, Silva v De Bruyne, the 5% owned Brazilian waltzed into The Hawthorne’s to notch a goal, an assist and pick up all three Bonus Points. That’s 2 goals and 2 assists this season already, surpassing his contribution for the whole of last season already. Just when we thought the FPL ‘Pep Roulette’ game was infuriating enough, now we have to throw Fernandinho into the mix too. Someone needs to have a word with Guardiola, this is getting out of hand. We can only pick three from any one team and this Catelonian Cowboy (that was an alternative ‘C’ word for a while) is producing a team where any one of at least 6 players can be ‘the man’ on any given week. Oh aye, Sane scored 12 points too. See what I mean? Ridiculous.

Speaking of players that make you swear like a sailor, Leicester City’s full-back didn’t give two ‘Fuchs’ about David Unsworth’s fledgling senior management career as he and his mates chewed up the Toffees and spat them out at the King Power Stadium. An assist, clean sheet and three Bonus Points for the Austrian Ace who may become a coveted FPL asset now that Claude Puel is in charge of the Foxes. The man knows how to organise a defence, as we saw with Southampton last season. He’s also a doppelganger of former Republic of Ireland player/manager John Giles. Go on, google it. I’ll wait. No, really, I’m not continuing until you do it….

Those Anfield scholars who saw the second-coming of James Milner (and apologies if you’re eating while reading that line…) will have been both ecstatic and furious as events unfolded v Huddersfield Town last Saturday afternoon. Not only did Liverpool keep a clean sheet (!!!!), but Milner also threw in a tasty assist for a 12 point haul. All well and good, right? Well, except for the fact that Liverpool also had a penalty in that match and James Milner (penalty-taker extraordinaire last season) stood by and watched as Mo Salah blootered it straight at the Terriers keeper. What a waste…

The final two heroes of the week come from the ‘Less Than 1% Ownership Club With Double Digit Hauls’, or LTOPOCWDDH. I’ll admit the name of the club needs work, so suggestions on a postcard please (or Twitter). Darren Fletcher is the first member of this exclusive club this week as he scored a beautifully well-crafted training ground goal against the Hornets to grab a 1-0 win and all three bonus points. A delightful 11 points for the 0.6% of owners with him in their squad (the vast majority of who almost certainly had him on the bench, right? RIGHT?).

There there’s Demarai Gray, a young exciting up and coming talent that’s been young, exciting and up and coming for about two years now, but showed against Everton what he can do – namely run the length of the pitch dancing around Everton tackles while then performing mind-control tricks on Everton defenders to make them perform comical defensive howlers. Not bad.

Just the one negative point scoring Villain this week, so buckle in Fuka-Arthur Masuaku Kawela, I’ll try and be gentle….

Yeah, so when you come on at half-time with your team two goals to the good, and trudge off at full-time having conceded two goals, the second of which was in the 97th minute, and you pick up a yellow card in the process, well that’s not a good day at the office. This ‘cameo’ helped Arthur Masuaku to a -1 total, but he’s not my only villain of the week, oh no sirree bob. Michail Antonio is a senior professional with over 270 appearances behind him, so quite what he was doing with 96′ gone and his team hanging onto a one goal lead at Selhurst Park, I’ll never know. Take it into the corner Michail. It’s Parks Football 101 for feck sake. Strolling along the byline and then smashing a cross at a defender is not a good way to see out a game. It’s a good way to a bollocking, sure, but not how to see out a game.

Finally, while it pains me to say it, two of my own selections make the Villain of the Week list. Now don’t get me wrong, Mo Salah has been easily Liverpool’s best performer this season, but when you’re my FPL Captain and you miss a penalty, then my fingers get tap-tap-tapping on that keyboard. He also hit the post with a second-half effort, and while he notched an assist for Gini Wijnaldum, my conservative estimate is that he cost me 8,397 points this weekend, and I am not happy about it.

Nor am I happy with Alvaro Morata who took a trip to the South Coast with his Chelsea teammates and then proceeded to play like the donkeys on the beach in Bournemouth. He was so bad that if he was presented with a bloody massive banjo he’d still fail to hit the donkey on the arse. Should have had a hat-trick, came away with an assist. I’d be winning this whole damn thing if it wasn’t for Salah/Morata y’know*

*maybe a slight enormous exaggeration