Will.i.am vs Will.i.an, Pope vs Jesus and Something About Football

Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 17 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

 

As you grow older and more ‘worldly wise’, you realise that this world of our is populated by spoofers, bluffers and charlatans. There’s a plethora of chancers out there who people proclaim to be the best thing since sliced bread, but who in fact are no more impressive than…well…sliced bread. The #FPL community is deluged with this facet of modern life – how many times do you see FPL accounts jumping on the bandwagon of the next great points-scoring messiah who turns out to be as useful and reliable as a Brexit minister?

Of course it’s not just in FPL that this particular issue arises. I’m struck by a particular television advert at present (for the “yoot” among you, a television is the thing that your parents point all their furniture towards in their living room), featuring Will.I.Am and a coffee pod/drink thingy made by Nescafé. In this abomination of an advert you hear the glorious dulcet tones of Otis Redding and his seminal classic ‘Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay’. Then we’re ‘treated’ to this Will.I.Am gobshite overlaying (at least I think that’s what the kids call it) various ‘beats’ and ‘riffs’ and various other aural assaults. To top it all off you’re then told ‘There’s nothing like being creative to reinvent a classic’.

NNNNNNGGGGGGG….

Listen up Will (if that’s your real name you spoofer). It’s a classic for a reason, and you do not make it any better by sitting there twiddling your knob and rocking your head up and down to your ‘rhythm’. Just. Stop. It. Oh, and Nescafé, for shame.

Anyway, I digress, but only a little(Ed: A little??). Gameweek 17 scoring is lead by three players who you could never label as a ‘spoofer’, for each has shown themselves to be, in their own way, true class in all they do.

Firstly we have the footballer many jokingly (and in no way funnily) refer to as Will.I.An, a real class act who has played a peripheral role in Chelsea’s season so far, but will to me always be remembered as the one Chelsea player who didn’t down tools and act like a spoilt brat two seasons ago when José picked on the club doctor and the whole club chucked it for a good 6 months. Willian bagged a goal, two assists and three BP’s to lead GW 17 with 16 points. Form is always temporary (as any FPL diehard will tell you) but class is permanent, and Willian is class. Unlike Will.I.Am who’s an eejit.


Secondly is Shinji Okazaki, a man who you feel is making the absolute maximum out of his talents every damn day. Well on this day he scored two and assisted another to grab three BP’s to match the 16 points of Willian.
Finally we have perhaps the classiest man in football today (now that Xabi Alonso has retired), in David Silva. The man is, and always has been, an assist machine in FPL, but in this past week he’s gone goal-crazy with four in his last three games, a real boon for the 18% of FPL owners who ignored the shiny, expensive Belgian blonde and settled for the ‘more bang for your buck’ shorn Spaniard instead.

Serge Aurier finally delivered for the 0.3% of FPL owners who clearly enjoy having a maverick in their ranks as he racked up 15 points thanks to a goal, clean sheet, three BP’s and not getting a red card. Remarkable.

Finally we have a group of four goalkeepers who all delivered double-digit hauls thanks to three BP’s for all three and a multitude of saves between them:

  • Pope – 7 Saves (and they say that Jesus saves? Hah!)
  • De Gea – 7 Saves
  • Pickford – 4 Saves
  • Foster – 3 Saves

Anyone else notice that three of those ‘keepers are English, and yet Joe Hart is still England’s Number 1 while on the Hammers bench? Hey, I’m not judging, I’m not English, but I will point and laugh when I see something daft. Also, how about Alan ‘Chunky’ Pardew ‘out-Pulising’ Pulis, eh? The game’s gone lads and lassies…

Alas we now must bow our heads in despair and disgust as we mock, sorry, discuss those Villains Of The Week that have let their faithful FPL owners down so badly. Firstly, we have an incredibly rare occurrence (it must have happened before but I can’t remember it), whereby we have a player in negative points territory despite not playing a single second of the game. Come on down Mr. Sam Field, at Anfield, who got a yellow card while warming up on the touchline. A score of -1 for those 0.2% of FPL owners who clearly just wanted to stick a cheap no-mark on their bench. Imagine if he was automatically subbed in for another non-playing player…could that happen? If he didn’t play either? Oooh, that’s a question…Answers on a tweet please to @FantasyYIRMA or @NiallHawthorne.

Secondly we have an oxymoron. No, that’s not a second-string Arsenal winger moving club to become a second-string Liverpool winger, it’s actually Tom Cleverley who did something very, very stupid by picking up a red card after 86 minutes. As soon as he trudged off with his team clinging onto the slenderest of leads, Palace did a madness and scored two late goals to clinch the points and send Tom ‘Not So’ Cleverley into negative territory. Splendid.

Finally we have a man with as much brains inside his head as he has hair on top of it, Mr. Jonjo Shelvey of Newcastle United. If your the main man in midfield and your team is a goal down with 3 minutes of stoppage time left to salvage something, the last thing you would do is scythe down an opponent and get sent off, right? Not if you’re Jonjo, for that’s exactly what he did. I weep inside when I see a footballing genius like Rafael Benitez having to manage a footballing dunce such as Shelvey. Life’s not fair sometimes, it really isn’t.

 

 

 

 

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop him a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

author

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

You can read more from him also on twitter at @NiallHawthorne

His views are his own, because quite simply nobody else would have them!

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Posted on 15 Dec 2017, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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