1996, Spice Girls and Rafa Benitez’s Goatee Soaked in Bitter, Salty Tears

Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 13 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne



Do you remember the summer of 1996?

The days were gloriously long and hot, football was ‘coming home’ (but took an unfortunate detour to Berlin in the end), and a group of young ladies called the Spice Girls burst into our lives with an infectious pop-classic called ‘Wannabe’. We all know the song, and if the infectious tune is running through your head right now, I’m sorry.

What you probably don’t realise however is how prescient that song is. Aside from launching the careers of five young women who are still ever-present in popular culture, it also predicted the star-player for FPL GW 13. It’s a bit niche, I grant you, but bloody impressive nonetheless. The chorus is where we get the incredible foresight:

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna Zeegelaar…

And who wouldn’t? A stonking 14 points from the raiding Hornet at St. James’ Park, thanks to a clean sheet and two assists to leave Rafa Benitez’s goatee soaked in bitter, salty tears. Big Marv (that’s what we’re calling him now) has burst onto the scene in the last two GW’s with his first two appearances, two clean sheets, two assists and 22 points. But before you all jump on board the Zeegelaar bandwagon, bear in mind that he faces United and Spurs at Vicarage Road in the next two GW’s.

Speaking of people jumping on bandwagons, this whole Brexit thing is looking good, eh? Infighting within government, the economy looking more sluggish than Boris Johnson in an Olympic 100m final, and the Irish Government releasing official statements telling Britain to ‘shove it up your hole’. However while Sterling is on the verge of collapse, Raheem Sterling has never looked more appealing to FPL investors. A third double-digit haul of the season thanks to an outrageous piece of good fortune for his goal as well as an unfortunate tumble to earn his side a penalty. All of this to break the hearts of the pluckiest of plucky underdogs in Huddersfield. Doesn’t it make your heart sing when a middle-eastern state can tear the heart out of a local team fighting against all odds and surviving in the Premier League? A truly modern Christmas tale.

Southampton must have thought all their Christmases had come at once when Everton rolled into town. The same team that were battered around Anfield just a week prior looked like Brazil circa 1970 as they smashed four past the Toffees, with Charlie Austin and Dusan Tadic racking up 13 and 12 points respectively. At this stage you really need to see who are playing The Ev next and pile into their forwards. West Ham play at Goodison on Wednesday night, so I expect to see big Andy Carroll transferred in by over 2 million FPL managers. Heh, just kidding.

Final hat-tips of the week go to Alexis Sanchez for breaking Burnley hearts, Mamadou Sakho for breaking Stoke hearts and Marc Albrighton for almost giving David Moyes a heart-attack.

Alas we must now plunge the depths of the negative points territory, and we find two players waking up on Monday morning with the ignominious honour of being our Villains of the Week….

DeAndre Yedlin will be feeling a bit maudlin this mornin’. An own goal and two others against his name leads to that dreaded -1 score and to cap it off he’s got irate Geordies to deal with as a result. You don’t want irate Geordies on your case, they’re not all like Ant & Dec, believe me.

Rajiv van La Parra will have raised the ire of his FPL owners on Sunday evening. He’d just toiled to a respectable couple of points against the heretofore rampant Manchester City attack, and then after the final whistle blows he turns insane after a shove from Sane, lost his brain and was sent off in the rain. What a pain. To score negative points in FPL after the final whistle has sounded is quite a feat.



Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop him a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!


Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

You can read more from him also on twitter at @NiallHawthorne

His views are his own, because quite simply nobody else would have them!


Posted on 27 Nov 2017, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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