Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 33 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

The Smashing Pumpkins have a song called ‘Thirty-Three’. The last couple of verses go something like this:

I’ve journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I’m ready to return

I’ll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow’s just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you

You can make it last, forever you

Well sorry Billy Corgan, but you can do one if you think I want Gameweek Thirty-Three to last forever…not with an average score of 32!

Mind you, some of the lyrics are pretty apt:

‘Mysteries not ready to reveal’ clearly applies to the inability of Lukaku, Aguero, Jesus, Morata, Firmino, Salah, Mane or Kane to score this week, but a little heads up would have been nice (and if Harry Kane is reading this you didn’t touch it so stop swearing on your daughters life, appealing to the FA and making yourself look like a tit you weird-fat-tongued-slack-jawed-desperate-freak).

‘Graceful swans of never topple to the earth’ nails Swansea’s inability to beat a hapless West Brom team too. Y’see? You can find hidden meaning in anything if you want to. That explains the science behind Nostradamus, Brexit, Donald Trump and all of my FantasyYIRMA work to date.

Top man this week was Danny Welbeck. I’m not saying that this came as a surprise, but his FPL scores this season have sounded like a roadie carrying out a sound check: ‘2,1,2,2,1,1,2,Testing (he certainly has been…)’. Two goals, an assist and 3 BPS saw him amass a huge 16 points to remind Arsenal fans that twice a season he really will come good for them.

Christian Eriksen and Paul Pogba both contributed two goals from midfield for their respective clubs and both picked up the maximum BPS to boot. However Eriksen scored one point more than Pogba because he looks like butter wouldn’t melt whereas Pogba had a blue and white hairdo when playing Manchester City, so had a point docked for being a silly sausage. It’s only fair.

Ayoze Perez is enjoying life all of a sudden and is starting to realise that Rafa Benitez can perform miracles – He can keep Newcastle in the Premier League with THAT squad, he can win a Champions League with Djimi Traore at left-back and he can get Ayoze Perez scoring on a regular basis. Rumours abound that Rafa will replace Ant for the upcoming series of ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’, and to be honest the only fly in the ointment is that Dec is struggling to get through auditions because he can’t stop hugging Rafa. Who can blame him? I’d hug him in a heartbeat. I’d hug him and squeeze him and I’d never let go…

A Chelsea defender and Palace midfielder both racked up double-digit points this week with Azpilicueta and Milivojevic both scoring and gaining the max BPS. You should know that I started typing this paragraph on Monday morning, and I’m finishing it on Tuesday morning because my fingers got tangled typing those names and the local A&E didn’t believe me when I told them what had happened. Whoever invented the QWERTY keyboard didn’t realise these lads would make their invention redundant. Ouch.

Jack Cork was the star of the show for Burnley because he’s called Cork. Everything about Cork is brilliant. I can’t say enough about how great Cork is. I pity everyone if they don’t think Cork is the best. Cork Rulez. (I may be from Cork btw…)

Jordan Pickford kept a clean sheet, made four saves and secured 3 BPS because he was facing Ings and Solanke instead of Firmino and Salah. Pffft, they really should have a rule in FPL for such an eventuality. It’s like Danny Willett winning the Masters because Jordan Spieth sh*t the bed. It happened, it’s in the history books but it doesn’t really count, y’know?

Finally Alexis Sanchez hit his second double-digit score in a row thanks to his assists against Manchester City in what was frankly the most hilarious football match of the season so far. I can’t recall ever bursting out laughing so often in my local as that match unfolded. The only thing funnier has been the ‘opinion’ pieces since proclaiming a ‘turning point’ for Jose or that the ‘gloss’ has been taken off the season for Manchester City. Good Lord, can we all not just appreciate a match when both teams are hilariously gash for a half each? The game’s gone…

Now for our ‘Villains Of The Week’ which has a trio of muppets who put on a show this week. Brighton had a midfielder receive his marching orders as they were locked at 1-1 with a fellow relegation rival, knowing that a winning goal would all but secure their survival in the Premier League. Yep, Davey is a Propper berk. He’s joined by two players from The Emirates who both got sent off for existing. Jack Stephens gently pushed over Jack Wilshere who was irritating him while Mohammed Elneny lightly brushed someone on the cheek, so naturally both had to go. Just think of the children who could be influenced by such behaviour, eh? As I said, the game’s gone…as are both players until May.

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

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Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

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