Gameweek 35 Preview: Fantasy Premier League #FPL

Written by Niall Hawthorne @NiallHawthorne

When you load up your FPL team ahead of GW35, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that the page isn’t loading properly and not displaying the ‘next match’ graphic under most of your squad. As many, many women pointed out to me in my younger days ‘It’s not me, it’s you’, so it’s not t’internet, it’s just that most of your squad aren’t playing this weekend.

Sure, we’ve all read the blogs and the tweets and the sage advice about building a strong ‘Double’ Gameweek 34 squad with an eye on ‘Blank’ Gameweek 35, but in reality, who has time for such complications in their lives? If I get through a day without dropping a boll*ck I rejoice, and I’m sure most of you are the same.

However don’t fear as I am here to guide you through the burnt embers of your dying FPL season and help you make the most of your GW35 maelstrom of malcontent.

Defender – Kevin Long, Burnley

Kevin Long is from Cork. I mean, I could stop there because in reality that’s all you need to know, but someone (FantasyYIRMA is such a hard taskmaster) insisted that I flesh out this point. Well, he went to school in Deerpark CBS which is a mere stones throw from where I type these words, and I share an office with a school friend of his who just told me that he wasn’t the best player in their school team. Of course not a lot of people know that Mo Salah got 535 points in the Leaving Certificate in Deerpark CBS, but now you know.

Anyway, he’s got 15 points in his last two games, Ben Mee has a sore shin so may not start, and he’s playing away to Stoke. I’m not saying that the Stoke forward line are rubbish, but if you showed a clip of their season highlights on Britain’s Got Talent, you’d hear four buzzers in 10 seconds and Dec would be swigging out of a vodka bottle while speed-dialing Ant for support.

Oh, and he costs £4.0m. I cost more than that.

Midfielder – Raheem Sterling, Manchester City. 

Raheem Sterling has 200 FPL points this season. He has 17 goals and 13 assists. In his last four games he has 2 goals and 3 assists…and to be quite frank that’s a bit sh*t compared to what he should have. So after consulting my quantum theorem, correlating his statistics and cranking up the trilithium diodes, I can scientifically deduce that he’s due to absolutely smash somebody soon and score an obscene amount of points. Oh, and he’s at home to Swansea…

I don’t care if his boots seem to be the shape of Toblerones, or that when he’s clear through on goal he has balls the size of garden peas, there will come a day when it will all just ‘click’ and considering the amount of chances that his teammates create for him, he’s a must have this week. Plus rumour has it that after he wasted the chance created for him by THAT pass from KDB, he received an atomic wedgie so severe that he’s been telling everyone all week that his collar is supposed to have ‘Calvin Klein’ written on it.

Forward – Andy Carroll, West Ham United

I’ll save you the bother, it’s not April 1st. I’m actually serious. In four minutes of action on Monday night Andy Carroll got 8 points. Imagine if he got 90 minutes of action against THIS Arsenal defence. Shokdran Mustafi allowed Shane Long to score last week, he’s THAT bad. He’s as tough as a wafer dunked for three minutes in a scalding brew. Andy Carroll will be licking his lips and greasing his elbows at the thought of facing the hirsute German ‘defender’ on Sunday.

I’ll admit, this is a bold call, but there’s a World Cup looming in Russia and Andy Carroll wants to be on that plane. Nobody else does, obviously, but still…

Captain – Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Arsenal. 

In 8 FPL appearances, he has 6 goals, 2 assists and 6 BPS. He’s at home to West Ham. He can’t play in the Europa League semi-final. Arsenal have scored a minimum of three goals in four of their last five league home games. David Moyes is in the opposite dugout. Mars is rising in Capricorn. The day ends in ‘Y’. 35 is his lucky number. Joe Hart will be in goals.

Just follow the signs, aye?

(ED: UPDATE – WENGER IS OUT…. THIS IS NOT A DRILL… ARSENE WENGER TO STEP DOWN AT THE END OF SEASON)

Outsider – Jay ‘Jay’ Rodriguez, West Bromwich Albion

Jay Rod has three goals in his last four games as well as 6 BPS. West Brom are enjoying the fabled ‘New Manager’ bounce for the first time this season at what seems like the 8th time of asking. Alan Pardew isn’t his manager anymore. A panel of people said he’s not a big nasty racist, which is always nice to hear.

Oh, and he’s playing a Liverpool team who have as much interest in this game as I do in Beyonce’s performance at Coachella. Couldn’t give a flying f*ck, mate. Expect Bertie Moreno at left-back, Mignolet in nets, Sammi Hyypia CB and Ian Rush up front. Jurgen Norbert Klopp will be sat on the bench watching Roma games on his iPad. Mo Salah will be learning how to apologise to the Roma keeper in Italian. Get my drift?

Draft – Theo Walcott, Everton. 

Why? Not a clue, but I’ll let you in on a secret. I play ‘draft’ FPL y’know, and I’m in a 10-team league, and I’m winning.

So you’ll just have to trust me, right?

Written by @NiallHawthorne

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

You can read more from him also on twitter at @NiallHawthorne

His views are his own, because quite simply nobody else would have them!