Written by @Niallhawthorne

I’ve worked it out.

We’re living in some form of The Matrix or The Truman Show.

There’s no other explanation for this past season, this past fourteen months and particularly this past week.

The biggest game in English football cancelled by fans doing bicycle kicks into the Stretford End. Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher turning into Che Guevara style Stadler and Waldorf, leading social unrest and calls to arms. Manchester City qualifying for a Champions League final in May playing on a snow/hail covered pitch, which the groundsman clearly refused to turn on the under-pitch heating for, on the account of it being May, and he’d turned it off for the summer already. The English media heralding the achievements of plucky little Manchester City, forgetting completely about their ESL involvement and billions of pounds spent on a quite ridiculous squad depth that makes non-qualification for the final a disgrace.

I have now vowed to keep hold of my wildcard and at least one chip for most of next season, anticipating the inevitable postponements caused by an alien invasion in late April or early May of 2022. It’s the only sensible approach in this madcap existence.

In typical FantasyYIRMA Fashion this Preview was written prior to FPL Announcement of a TRIPLE GAMEWEEK

Onto GW35!

Defender: Seamus Coleman, Everton

Three clean sheets in his last five, bolstered by two assists. He faces a DGW against West Ham and Aston Villa after which he could sit down with a glass of red wine and a porno movie.

Yep, he’ll be up to his neck in claret and blue this week.

Midfielder: Mason Greenwood, Manchester United

Four goals and one assist in his last four GW’s and a nice juicy DGW (CORRECTION – TRIPLE MOFO GAMEWEEK!!!) ahead where he faces Aston Villa and Leicester City. (AND LIVERPOOL)

Greenwood has started four of the last five league games, so his place seems cemented down. With an ongoing niggle affecting Marcus Rashford, you would have some confidence that those starts will continue, but even if they don’t, he has proven his ability to plunder big FPL points from the bench. This was best demonstrated by an 18-minute, 11-point cameo against Spurs a few weeks ago.

Forward: Timo Werner, Chelsea

Who doesn’t like a good punt, eh?

The much-maligned German hotshot has not had the best first season in Chelsea blue, but he’s showing signs of some form. A goal and two assists in his last three league starts are green shoots for his future at Stamford Bridge.

Werner has two fixtures this week as a likely Champions League final dress-rehearsal takes place on Saturday evening, before a Wednesday night jolly at home to Arsenal.

The game against Manchester City intrigues me because, assuming Chelsea do join City in the CL final, I reckon you’re going to see shadowboxing of the highest quality. ( FFS NIALL – YOU ARE TOO EFFICIENT IN WRITING PREVIEWS)

Two coaches determined to show their opponent absolutely nothing ahead of the big showdown in Istanbul. This could lead to a 0-0 stalemate, but I reckon it could lead to a silly shoot-out as players are told to NOT play how they normally would and go out to have fun.

It’s Timo Time!

Captain: Kelechi Iheanacho, Leicester City

If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

Again.

The fact that 75% of FPL teams don’t have this FWD costing under £7.0m tells me one of two things. Either a form of mass-psychosis has gripped the FPL community, or most of us have given up at this stage. It could even be a little of both.

For the hard of thinking among you, let me explain this clearly:

73 points in his last 8 league games. That’s over 9 points a game.

9 goals and 2 assists during that time.

5 maximum bonus point hauls in that time.

He now faces a double-header against Newcastle and Manchester United. This could be a huge week for the Nigerian.

Outsider: Joel Veltman, Brighton & Hove Albion

Brighton’s relationship with clean sheets has been akin to Ross and Rachel from friends. On again, off again, on a break, not on a break. It’s been topsy-turvy.

However, they now seem to be very much back in love with clean sheets with four in their last six, and Veltman has started them all. At just £4.4m and owned by under 3%, he could be that defender that outscores quite a few of the DGW ones.

Your move….