Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 19 Review
Written by @NiallHawthorne
And what have you done
Without Kane it’s over
And that’s why your glum
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
You should buy the dear one
A bargain in the long run
Now before I go any further (and FantasyYIRMA thinks he’s got an album to record), I’ll stop with the song lyrics. But Harry Kane was the biggest Christmas present possible for his owners who kept faith with the most expensive player in the game. A stunning hat-trick at Turf Moor against Brexit FC and Sean Dyche, a man with a voice so menacing that he once dressed up as Father Christmas and got confessions out of 12 teenagers by asking them if they’d been good boys and girls this year.
(If you haven’t already check out the FantasyYIRMA Christmas Carol Music Extravaganza)
Just one point behind Mr. Kane (and not a lot of people know this) is another FPL stalwart in Sergio Kun Aguero, one of two Manchester City strikers who look almost irresistible to FPL managers, but who regularly get ‘rotated’, which makes the heads of FPL managers swivel in a similar way to that young lady in The Exorcist.
If he was picked every week, he’d be an essential member of every squad, but alas Senor Guardiola likes to walk roughshod over every Premier League manager and every FPL manager, the handsome talented b*stard.
The work of both Kane and Kun ensured that the average score in GW 19 was a ridiculously high 60 points. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever scored 59 and seen red arrows all around.
I feel like Chris Rea.
People have been wondering what the issues with Manchester United have been this week, following their EFL cup defeat to Brizzle City and snatching a draw from the jaws of victory at Leicester, but one man who has led from the front and took Mata’s into his own hands is Juan, thanks to a two-goal salvo and 15 points.
He’s joined on 15 points by a man whose name sounds like a lot of us at this time of year when we have the sniffles at midnight mass – Christian Atsu. God bless you. A goal, two assists and all three bonus points as he put some life back into Rafa’s reign dear.
Raheem Sterling continued his outstanding form this season with another 13 point haul thanks to a goal and assist against the Cherries at The Etihad. It was a remarkable performance from the youngster considering he was confronted and assaulted by a racist tosspot at the training ground earlier in the week. Hopefully Raheem enjoys his Christmas morning in his lavish mansion surrounded by friends and family as his attacker sits in his dirty bedsit in his tighty whities alone and wallowing in his self-hatred, pulling his own cracker…
Joining Sterling on the hall of fame this week are two Stoke City players. I know. I’ll wait until your reeling has subsided, but it really happened. The Lord Joe Allen made a timely festive appearance with a goal and assist and two bonus points. How fitting that God’s current representative on Earth turns it on just before his birthday.
He was joined by his teammate Choupo-Moting who also scored a goal and assist but got one additional bonus point. That win made Mark Hughes’ situation that bit more stable, despite the fact that his team have been playing like donkeys for weeks. Mind you, those wise men in the media think his time could soon be up, apart from Robbie Savage who thinks he’s doing a great job. Probably because he wagered on another manager being sacked first. Yep, that’s his bet *ahem*.
Onto our Villains Of The Week, and this week we have two culprits who are both HUGE fans of Turkey, Ham, Roast Spuds, Extra Gravy, Two Portions Of Trifle and all the rest of the trimmings. Adam Smith of Bournemouth was on the end of a typical Man City hiding and having conceded 4 goals, he suddenly remembered that he was on 4 bookings for the season.
Just one more would give him Boxing Day off. Who’d notice? Who’d pay THAT much attention to little old Bournemouth? Of course he forgot that a yellow card would tip him into negative point territory, so guess what Smiffy? I see you. We all see you. We know what you did. Now put down that pig in a blanket and gimme 30 laps, you chancer.
Mind you, his desire for a Christmas break was outstandingly subtle compared to Daniel Amartey who was sat on the Leicester bench, cold, miserable and looking at doing the exact same on Boxing Day. However his chance appeared when summoned to action by Claude Puel, and he wasn’t going to waste it. It took him just 17 minutes to kick two United players into the air, and bingo bango, he’s got Christmas off too. Sensational seasonal shithousery. Don’t judge though, you’ve still got to spend time with your in-laws, and who knows what level of seasonal sh*thousery you too could experience/inflict.