If Marko Arnautović has a grudge against you… be afraid!!

Apr 4

Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 32 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

There’s one life lesson that we should all pay heed to: If an Austrian man nicknamed ‘Arnie’ has a grudge against you, then be afraid…be very afraid. He could be a cyborg from the future looking to destroy/save the past/future (I’ll be honest, I was young watching the Terminator movies and I’m a bit hazy on the details).

It could also be a West Ham United player with bundles of talent but who sometimes lacks motivation…until he sees Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes in the opposite dugout and decides that he has a point to prove. On Saturday Marko ‘Arnie’ Arnautovic terminated the last remaining shred of managerial credibility Mark Hughes possessed as he plundered 2 goals and 3 BPS against a sorry Saints side to keep the Hammers faithful happy (or at least quelled their urge to rampage…for a week at least).

So in summary, don’t annoy an Austrian named Arnie! Or any Austrian with a first name beginning with ‘A’, come to think of it…..

Before we move on from the London Stadium, we should also acknowledge the other two Hammers who bagged double-digit scores – Yes, THREE West Ham players scored double-digit scores! Who said rioting locals can’t motivate the players, eh? Arthur Masuaku will have been spitting chips at his recent 6-game ban (well, he was spitting something to get the ban in the first place), but he returned to register his fourth clean sheet and third assist as he cleared his throat loudly…to remind everyone he was back. Finally the favourite player of Nintendo’s iconic Italian plumber also racked up 10 points thanks to a goal and 2 BPS. Next time Super Mario finishes a level, just listen as he raises his fist in celebration and proclaims ‘Joao! Mario!’ at you…

Kasper Schmeichel is a player that I just can’t warm to I’m afraid. It’s nothing to do with him per se, it’s more to do with the fact that he reminds me of how old I’m getting. I can’t handle watching the sons of Premier League stars of my youth strut their stuff. Christ on a bike, I’m still waiting for his Dad to make a comeback for one last hurrah. Surely he wouldn’t do any worse than Wayne Hennessey, right? I remember watching Sky Sports in my teens and seeing a young Kasper playing ball in the Old Trafford tunnel with Tom Ince. They were about 7 years of age. At this rate I’m half expecting to see the grandson of John Barnes roaring down the wing for Liverpool as I unwrap one more Werther’s Original to gum on before I sip my cocoa and shuffle off this mortal coil. Anyway, I digress. Kasper saved a penalty against Brighton to preserve a clean sheet (something that’s harder to do as you get older I find…I’ve said too much) and grab 15 points for himself. Jaysus, his father must have been getting a million points a season in his prime, eh?

Spurs are having another outstanding season and over the last couple of games have decided to show Daniel Levy that he should take £120,000,000 for Harry Kane this summer as they clearly don’t need him. No, really. Three goals at Stamford Bridge, with two of them scored by the man they’re going to name part of their new stadium after. Forget ‘The Harry Kane Kiosk’, or the ‘Jan Vertonghen Veranda’. When the fans go for their refreshments in the new White Hart Lane, they’ll queue up for lukewarm Bovril and soggy pies in the Deli Alley. Honestly, if that doesn’t happen then Spurs should be disbanded as a club. The real Dele Alli scored a worldie followed by a scramble to ratchet up 15 points for the 11.9% of FPL players who kept the faith with him.

Speaking of ownership percentages and keeping the faith, just 2.9% of players own Alexis Sanchez. TWO POINT NINE PERCENT. Oh how the mighty have fallen, but with a price tag of £11.5m and a points return of 129 for the season, you can see why. In fact, while he scored 14 points with a goal, an assist and 3 BPS I still judge those stubborn enough to keep hold of him. You can spot these people in real life easily enough. They’re the ones at the penny drop machines in the arcades who plough £25.78 into the machine because there’s a bunch of pennies worth £0.58 ready to drop, and then celebrate when it finally happens. They also voted for Brexit and are most likely serving in Government right now. Oooh, that’s a good Freedom of Information request! Let’s see the FPL teams of the Tory Government! Bet that’ll be an eye-opener…

Our next weekly star is a player who I personally brought in and immediately handed the armband. Now I’m not bragging because I even tried to help everyone who follows me on Twitter. I put out a cryptic clue on Friday about this player, and those of you clever enough to have worked it out will have immediately bought him and reaped the rewards. Here’s the clue (and a reason why you should immediately follow me on Twitter):

Now let me break it down for you: Golden (Au) Ethnic Minority (BAME) Half Of A Chinese Philosophy (Yang); Au-BAME-Yang. Ta-da! (More) proof that I’m weird, and proud of it. Two goals and 3 BPS a handsome reward for all of you who followed my lead (for the record, nobody officially ‘got it’ on my timeline).

Final mentions for David Silva who is making a late run to make any coronation of Kevin de Bruyne as POTY look foolish, and Ben Chilwell who was once on the radar of Liverpool and could have been ‘Andy Robertson’. 11 points for each.

Nobody in negative points territory this week, which doesn’t make for a lengthy Villains of the Week section, but never fear because as my mother says…’There’s always one’. Step forward Mr. Glenn Murray, who missed a crucial penalty at home to Leicester City to drain his points total quicker than the bank account of a Bitcoin investor. Is there anything worse than a seagull ruining your weekend? When one sh*ts on you, it is NOT good luck, no matter what those ‘old wives’ say.