The Chocolate Teapot FPL Gameweek Review

FPL Gameweek 13 Review – WrestleYIRMAnia 2

Written by @JackAGoodwin

WELCOME BACK TO THE BANG AVERAGE ARENA!

For the sake of journalistic disclosure, I have to reveal a heavily vested interest; I am, and always have been, a WWE Wrestling “mark”. There’s nothing more soothing to me than to get lost in the obscene storylines of large oiled up dudes getting unnecessarily angry with one another over who should own a big shiny belt. WWE is the TV equivalent of switching your brain to “kid mode” for a few hours a week and watching them perform crazy feats of athleticism which we all tried to replicate when we were younger.

I’m not going to sit here and waffle about it, because quite frankly you’re here to talk football. A deliberate Segway however as we now move through gameweek 13 in the Premier League, giving me yet again another week’s worth of fixtures to mash into theoretically ridiculous scenarios.

Back in September we held the first ever WrestleYIRMAnia – a mash-up of FPL results and WWE Matches. We return with the second instalment, this time the inspiration comes from the weekends WWE Survivor Series PPV over in America. A fittingly titled PPV which could easily be represented by the Arsenal v Southampton match, one which both teams are inevitably playing for the survival of their managers careers.

Using this flash of almost unheard-of creativity, I now give you the GW13 FPL Review. Enjoy…

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West Ham 2 – 3 Tottenham – Unforgiven

Jose Mourinho at Tottenham will be same old Jose. Jose, doing Jose things, this time back in London. It is almost classic-Jose for him to turn up looking fresh faced, deliberately charming with all the hallmarks of “first season” Jose. New tactics, invigorated players, subtle digs at teams past – all whilst bringing back a sense of hope to the club, even if for just the first few months. The only difference this time, is that Jose has gone to a club he once declared he’d never manage. The Spurs faithful gave him a mixed reaction on Saturday, but with his side taking the win it was largely cheers rather than jeers (for now). West Ham did spark a comeback but this only happened in the final 10 minutes. Harry Kane of course on the scoresheet, but interestingly for FPL, Moura, Son & Alli all look like great transfers should you consider doubling up on Spurs attackers.

Bournemouth 1 – 2 Wolves – Bad Blood

Bournemouth seem reluctant to deviate from their “decent start – mediocre middle” season template. They bung a load of goals in at the start of the season, gain enough points to be safe and call the job a good ‘un! They do play with the intensity of a squad which could one day pull of “a Leicester”, but for now they’re mid-table mainstays. Ten years ago, Bournemouth were in the shadow of their more successful local rivals Southampton. Now, they’ve unanimously become the kings of the coast, however, need an injection of something yet to be identified to move to the next stage in their almost unbelievable rise from the depths of the football league system. Wolves on the other hand, even with Europa fixtures in the mix, are looking better than ever. 5th in the Prem, and convincingly took the 3 points on Saturday. Bournemouth did unfortunately see red as Simon Francis decided to seek blood!

Arsenal 2 – 2 Southampton – Survivor Series

Long may this continue. Emery & Hassenhuttl’s “who can get sacked first” performances are masking the problems at Man United which I am very chuffed with. Taking notes from the infamous Kanye West / Taylor Swift moment – Hassenhuttl’s Southampton had the game won, award in hand, about to give a speech about how happy he is to be winning again when suddenly up jumps Emery onto the stage declaring “Ehhh..Gooda Evanen…That was a nice 90mins, I’ma let you finish, right after we score a goal too!”. A Draw finish, in the dying moments of the game, Arsenal make the match even more of a headache for everyone. A draw is limbo. A draw means nobody gets sacked, yet. However, a 4-goal draw with 8 yellow cards was pretty entertaining. Keep up the inconsistent football lads!

Brighton 0 – 2 Leicester – No Mercy

Hard one to justify, this: something about Leicester, their sheer Leicesterness suggests that they are still a mid-table team. In every Football Manager simulation run on this planet, the only constant, is that Leicester do not win the League ever again. Yet here we are. Here are Leicester winning over and over, sitting 2nd in the table just 8 points from the summit (which, at this stage, is reachable). Leicester showed no mercy for Brighton, with a comfortable win. Following the loss, strangely, Brighton gave their manager an extended contract. Jamie Vardy really didn’t enjoy seeing others having a party at the start of the year and has decided to open a 24 hour nightclub selling only WKD’s and Hooch.

Crystal Palace 1 – 2 Liverpool – King of the Ring

OK boomers. I don’t want to sound too much like THAT guy, but as a Manchester United fan I actually quite enjoy watching Liverpool – and would rather THEY win the league rather than Manchester City. The scouse rivalry – I wasn’t alive – therefore I don’t care. Listen, World War II was less than 100 years ago and look at us all – rivalry over, we get on for the most part (Brexit depending). City are my main gripe, so Liverpool can g’wan and win the league, fill yer boots lads! They’re proving time and time again (except vs. Man United, lol) that they can pull out a win from any scenario. Palace were unlucky not to take the point, but Klopp’s lads really are the title winners elect at the moment. Let’s hope they don’t…. slip! Get it….*ba dum, tiss!*.

Everton 0 – 2 Norwich – Judgement Day

Time’s up for Marco Silva. Can I call it? At home to a poor Norwich side they HAD to win. Their upcoming fixtures are hysterical (Lei, Liv, Che, Mun, Ars). Truthfully, they could easily go the next 5 games without a single point. They needed this one. As per the poster below, the match v Norwich was essentially Silva’s Judgement Day – and he roundly failed. From an entertainment perspective, as I said earlier – ref. the distraction for Ole to be a bad manager without question – this is all phenomenally good entertainment. Everton have NEVER been relegated since the Premier League’s inception. Imagine a season where Liverpool WIN, and Everton are relegated. As scouse Jesus John Lennon would say, imagine.

Watford 0 – 3 Burnley – No Way Out

Never have teams destined for relegation and those destined for great things been so close than when these two met on Saturday. Burnley are going through a great development period under mad-lad Dyche, ever improving and sitting 7th in the league. Watford on the other hand are pretty dire, teetering on horrendous. Chris Wood finally grabbing some goals after we all rushed to him pre-season because he did well but since disappeared behind Barnes. Tarkowski becoming a fantastic FPL asset with a 17pt haul this gameweek following last weeks 12pts. Then there’s Watford. Their top scoring FPL asset is Foster (GK) and then Deulofeu who has just 2 goals this season – we should unanimously avoid Watford (also the city of….pretty rubbish place tbh).

Man City 2 – 1 Chelsea Bragging Rights

Current champions faced Lampard’s ever improving squad in a helluva match on Sunday which was not only for braggin’ rights but also for the right to challenge the top two – the winner taking a big step towards the top 2 in the League. Pep (City Manager until the end of time), has a stunning ability to be a cocky sod but also likeable. Slithering through interview questions with arrogance and lovely scarves, but still charming enough for your partner to fancy the shiny head off of him. Side note, I wonder what Lampard would look like with a bald head? Food for thought. Anyway, City took the all important 3 points, but the biggest news coming out of the game was the injury to Aguero which is a huge blow for the Citizens coming into the Xmas-Madness period.

Sheffield United 3 – 3 Man United – No Goals Barred

Right, hear me out, what makes watching Manchester United so special is the gentle, seemingly out of nowhere build up to a massive, adrenaline pumped climax of a 10 minutes. There is no better thrill than being bored off your tits watching Rashford smash the ball as hard as he physically can at the stewards in the 2nd tier only to be given a free-kick in extra time and Ronaldo-esque it in the net. 70 mins of awful football and suddenly the Man United kids wake up and start banging them in. Williams, Mason & Rashy all score within 7 minutes of one another and it looks to be classic-Fergie-United. However, it was classic-post-Fergie-United we got as they bottled it in the dying moments and the Blades grab a late equaliser to share the points (VERY much deserved). Will it get better for Man United? Very uncertain. Will it get better for Sheffield? Hard to tell, fixtures are very good so possibly yes!

Villa 2 – 0 NewcastleMoney in the Bank?

Is it wrong to enjoy watching Steve Bruce fail at every managerial job he’s given? Never have I given myself such a philosophical decision, “like Steve Bruce, the United legend” OR “laugh at Steve Bruce’s permanently blushed cheeks, never liked him”. I can’t figure out which side I swing. Next up they face Man City, so for now I am Pro-Bruce. On Monday Night Football we had this “thrilling” encounter which was as exciting as you could possibly imagine it would be. Both Villa and Newcastle players are likely to be avoided for now until one of them decides to pick up some form – OR, call me crazy, Mike Ashley could inject some of that sweet, sweet Sports Direct earnings and upgrade the squad to it’s full potential. There is money in the bank, but the briefcase full of the stuff is hanging far too high for Stevie boy to grab!        

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Posted on 27 Nov 2019, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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