GW #14 Review: Hasenhuttl the head hunter & Leicestermania runs wild!
Written by @JackAGoodwin
Do you like visual stimulation, excitement, explosions, sexual tension, car chases, drama and gunfire? Well, hmm, OK – we might run into a problem here. Because the GW14 Review is a few short of the full bingo card this week (contains absolutely none of that).
You know the YIRMA GW Review format by now, surely. Ten matches all shoved into ridiculous photoshopped scenarios to allow the games to fall within my own baffling storylines.
With the quickfire game weeks coming this week I decided to give my brain a rest, at least on the photoshopping front, so enjoy as we jump head first into the results from GW14…
Newcastle 2 – 2 Man City
One of those rare viral moments that transcends the internet and becomes folklore almost instantly. Time will tell whether this dissolving City team is a mere blip in the Matrix or whether we must adjust our lives / FPL agendas accordingly. Sure, Raheem & Kevin got themselves valuable points once again, but the leaky defence is alarming and suggests there’s reason to avoid the City backline for the foreseeable.
Burnley 0 – 2 Crystal Palace
Is Wilfred Zaha an FPL elite player? Not really: well, sort of. He idles between “must-have” & “punt-pick”. If you haven’t ever had Zaha in your FPL team at some point in your FPL lives, then can you really call yourself an FPL player? Not sure you can. Not sure. Another unknown is whether Burnley are a good side, just last week we were literally drooling over Tarkowski (not in that way) and describing the lads as ever-improving – now they lose at home to Palace? A missed opportunity to go 5th in the league, and with City & Tottenham up next it appears their shot wasn’t taken in time and are set for a fall down the table in the next week or so. Palace host Bournemouth in the week – perhaps it’s worth a short term punt (again) on Zaha?
Chelsea 0 – 1 West Ham
I want to say something to caveat this one: I am a very simple man. Phenomenally easily entertained. Give me an Ikea chest of drawers to assemble or even just a side of spicy rice from Nando’s and I’m on cloud nine. Yet Chelsea gave me 90 minutes of nothingness, I was bored which doesn’t bode well for a side which only weeks ago we hailed as medium-hot level Nando’s sauce. Still, very much secure in 4th spot at the moment with a tidy next couple of fixtures – however they need to inject something more, a spark, a “Hazard” type player performance which I can’t see the right guy for the job. Do they get to Jan in the hope to coax a playmaker into the squad? On the other side of this London affair was West Ham, who were probably more surprised to win this one than the rest of us. Perhaps they caught Chelsea napping, because it sure as hell wasn’t that they were phenomenal.
Liverpool 2- 1 Brighton
I’ve said it before, but Jurgen just can’t do anything wrong so far. Liverpool do it yet again, taking all the points in a game offering them yet another scenario to puzzle their way out of (this time losing their star GK due to a straight red). Jurgen fascinates me, he’s a caricature German with suspiciously white teeth. Routinely shouts the words “dude” and “hey man, listen” at the younger, more hip journalists with the manic enthusiasm of a children’s TV presenter whose personal life is catastrophically falling apart. He’s guaranteed to be capable of smiling whilst shouting at you. I think just his presence on the side lines intimidates Liverpool’s opponents, very much like Sir Alex would whilst he aggressively waved football boots around. Therefore, I believe Brighton lost because of Jurgen, not Van Dijk.
Tottenham 3 – 2 Bournemouth
A very weird week or so in the world of Premier League managers. Before everyone got over the fact that Poch had been sacked off, Jose stepped into his still-warm shoes, immediately throwing all-kinds of lovely smiles and dinners at ball boys & girls. Can’t argue that he’s likely a really good dad. Be warned though Spurs fans, he’s like this, you’ll win a few games and he’s be suited ‘n booted but the moment the press discover he’s living in a Premier Inn at Heathrow terminal 3 it’s downhill from there. Jose will implode, unpack all his tracksuits and forget about shaving and washing his hair to the point he’s sat in JUST his gilet screaming “I hate you!” to ball boys who take less than 3 seconds to assist goals. It’s inevitable. Jose is inevitable. So, enjoy this momentary run of success, I am sure (like Real Madrid, Chelsea & United before) that an ex-Spurs player will soon step in to manage you guys…Robbie Keane anyone?
Southampton 2 – 1 Watford
We’re here to have a laugh though, aren’t we? Hasenhuttl is essentially the grim reaper for managers at the moment and it’s glorious. Previous weeks have seen him get Emery sacked at Arsenal (2-2 draw), question Silva’s position at Everton (a close 2-1) and now he’s delivered the axe to the hairy neck of Quique after beating Watford. Managers are getting binned off all over the shop this season and I think I have identified the culprit. Next up for Hasenhuttl’s Saints – Norwich. Farke is literally cacking his trousers I’m sure. It gets no easier for Watford once they find someone to take over the sunken ship as they head to Leicester on Wednesday. Speaking FPL for one moment, Danny Ings looks alright doesn’t he! ß That’s the FPL content you wanted, right?
Norwich 2 – 2 Arsenal
“New manager who dis?” Freddie’s new voicemail proclaims as he rejects calls from the Arsenal board after just one match. Here’s the thing: Arsenal, now, are bad, yes; but bad in a strange, mediocre way where they’re not bad enough to be bad-bad, just underwhelming. They’re bafflingly stacked with talent and have the success and money to charm the quiff right off Robbie Williams smug head. In fact, the only thing seems to be the absence of true leadership to rally the blokes together. Can Freddie be the man to turn it around? Looking at exhibit A, Ole Gunner, I would suggest not. Similarly, the fans will warm to him so much so that they’ll allow the team to become worse before better. Oh yeah, in case you missed the invite guys, the Pukki Party was open again last week and remains to this day. Sure – the Vardy Party is much more established and looks to never stop – but if you can’t pay the entrance fee why not go slightly Butlins on this one and take a trip to Pukki’s? Southampton next, worth a punt?
Wolves 1 – 1 Sheffield United
Sheffield United threaten me, the waterproof way they bat off challenge this season is scary – where have they come from. Wolves too, these two are determined to break into the top 6 this season and may just do it, both of them. Have Sheffield got the players to sustain this momentum throughout the season – I’ll punt for no. Wolves on the other hand are slightly more equipped and have proved seasons before that they’re capable (they’re in Europa still dontcha know). Sheffield may leverage a medium-large stake into the January transfer window and it’ll be intriguing to see what talent they can attract – now of course under Saudi rule (not in that way).
Leicester 2 – 1 Everton
It’s hard to ever know what’s going on with Leicester: they exist in a strange and fascinating liminal area of success, where they are enormously, hugely, Beatlemania-famous to people in Leicester, but most of the players weren’t a part of “that season”, so it doesn’t really count. Yet here we are. Brendan Rodgers has reignited the flames and gave us all yet another glimpse of what can happen when a mid-table team finally switch up a gear – he’s doing great things only to see his beloved Liverpool legging it in front of him, so far, they’re nearly too far ahead. It’s 8 points, it’s doable. Boxing Day – if you’re not still pissed – watch Leicester vs Liverpool, it’s potentially going to be season defining for them both. Everton now with Liverpool, Chelsea & United coming, probably just keep Silva until afterwards. No point sacking him, no point. Poor sod.
Man United 2 – 2 Aston Villa
Reluctant to destroy the United team after this one in case Gary Neville tries to get me or I get mass picketed by an entire community of online fans but: if you strip out any scrap of positives from the 90 minutes from a United perspective, you’re still left with about 80 minutes worth of match to review! It’s as if this United team’s spiral towards mediocracy is by design rather than not, which not only worries me to the points where I feel 10% less of a person after each match, but stinks of uninterest by anyone in a meaningful role behind the scenes in Manchester. On the plus side, it does give the media an absolute field day – United not being “United” is an ever evolving story which looks set to continue way past this terrible season. Anyone who faces them know they have a chance, and more times than not are taking it – Villa this time round. Note/ We still all hate Jack Grealish though, don’t we? Good, just checking.
FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN
Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!
He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.