Fantasy Football Review: Sack Them, Sack Them All!

#FPL GW15 Review: Written by @JackAGoodwin

Gameweeks coming and going quicker than Premier League managers recently – actually, on par – but with the quick turnaround comes a “quick” review from yours truly.

GW15 done and dusted, we have a Friday to think over our teams and back at it tomorrow with yet another round of fixtures – what a time to be alive.

I must stress (if you’ve not worked out already), I thoroughly enjoy the FPL world, this however does not make me an expert – at all – in anything FPL. So much so I think my team sits 2.8millionth overall? Something like that. I care more about these write ups for you guys than my own team anyway (“aww, what a top bloke” I hear you say).

Treat this as a release from the stress of your FPL decision making for a moment, enjoy the craziness of the results without thinking about whether a player stayed on the pitch longer than 60 minutes – and join us as we all chuckle loudly together in unison and point our fingers at Arsenal & Tottenham.

Enjoy as we swan dive into the results from GW15…

 

Crystal Palace 1 – 0 Bournemouth

Eddie Howe performed a mind trick on us all a few seasons ago, and none of us has quite caught up to it yet. Newly promoted, Eddie was revealed a self-aware blonde chap who can interestingly look like he’s about to cry and smile at the same time. Bournemouth have since idled in second gear, never really flourishing further than mid table – whilst avoiding relegation conversations altogether. Results like these however drop a worrying cloud right over Bournemouth, they’re very much in the conversation with only 2 points separating them and Everton in the bottom 3.

Palace however have lifted that cloud right up and climbed to 7th now just 2 points from a Europa spot. Tough couple of weeks ahead for Eddie, but I can’t see his tiny head on the fence like many managers already this season – he’s achieved way too much at the club for them to axe him at this point.

 

Burnley 1 – 4 Man City

We all admire Sean Dyche just for existing as a pure beacon of Sean Dycheness – Although It’s not clear where the real human that lives inside the shell of Sean Dyche stops and the demon we quite clearly hear when he speaks begins. Pep’s City exist in the Premier League like a tropical storm, we know it’s coming, sure, but will it pass over us? If it does – we just ride it out – if not, we count ourselves lucky. In this instance, Storm City went right over Burnley with the contempt Godzilla has for New York, the goatee was nearly ripped right off Sean’s mug.

With Aguero out, City relied on hit Country singer Carrie Underwood as Jesus certainly did take the wheel. Interestingly the Storm now heads home, aiming to take out half the City which it belongs to. Carrie Underwood unfortunately was lost in the storm.

Chelsea 2 – 1 Villa

Lampard. A coming-of-age story about an ex-player making unsteady steps towards a successful managerial career. Duelling between being the cool Uncle figure to harsh school teacher with the rich kid players under his supervision. There have been shortcomings already, obviously, but in large he’s putting on quite the show for the Chelsea faithful.

Villa showed heart, and had their changes to take something away from the game but ultimately fell short to two players we didn’t envisage having such a stellar first half to our FPL season – Mount & Abraham.

Leicester 2 – 0 Watford

If you ever wanted proof that we were on an alternate chaos timeline in parallel to another Earth where only normal stuff happens, then Leicester is the surest evidence of just that. Consider how happy and at peace we all are over in them other timelines. The Amazon isn’t on fire, you’ve already got the iPhone 15, McFly are bigger than Ed Sheeran & Leicester aren’t disrupting the perfect “top team setup” in the Premier League. There are two things about Leicester that we have to confront. One, that funny Office US gif “OMG it’s happening, it’s happening!” represents the Leicester boardroom. Secondly, you’d imagine a scenario like this would cause uproar and the “bigger” teams sort their act out to prevent the threat – yet, no – if anything (Liverpool aside), Leicester have a clear path towards the summit as United, Arsenal, Tottenham & co step aside to let the Vardy Party Bus pass right by.

Oh, the game? Yeah Leicester won this one, Watford didn’t show anything and inevitably got their manager sacked the following day.

 

Man United 2 – 1 Tottenham

I have spent more of my life than I would like to admit imagining what it is that makes Ole Gunner Solskjaer so happy. In my mind, he has lots of dogs and a gleaming bookcase at home stacked with hits such as Harry Potter, Bill Bryson and that one Alan Partridge wrote (the first one), and literally air guitars Don’t Stop Believin’ daily. Each training session, he sits “the boys” down cross-legged with the lights dimmed as they watch repeats of the 99’ Champions League final.

Ole, without question, flicks the lights on with a tear in his massive eyes and the boys embrace. Ole is fundamentally happier than you and me, yes, but will this all add up to being a good football manager? This week, yes.

 

Southampton 2 – 1 Norwich

As advertisements for the FPL ideal transfers go, you must admit Teemu Pukki is arguably the worst person: A shockingly happy man, capable of scoring only when people transfer him out, almost insultingly nice – yet here we are. Is the Pukki Party back on? Do we trust him? Should we be attempting to party twice as hard as physically possible with him & Vardy? When do these parties stop – I’m knackered.

But wait, I just got an invite through the door, apparently, I’m invited to the “Ings Fling”. 7 goals in 9 games, are we turning up a bit late and everyone around us is pissed of copping off with one another – looking at you two Klopp & Mane. Any which party you choose, make sure you take overnight clothes it’s going to be a busy Christmas!

 

Wolves 2 – 0 West Ham

So West Ham are back. The thing with West Ham is that they didn’t really go away – a rare blip of effort saw them beat Chelsea last weekend – but they do seem to have ramped up the sheer “couldn’t give a toss” attitude towards the league.

We always knew West Ham would be naff the moment Pellegrini took over,  no small part due to Arnautovic’s swift exit. But it’s a bit dire down there in Stratford. Despite this, West Ham are somewhat given a pass this gameweek due to Wolves’ rise to success. Wolves are working, somehow, never straying away from their game plan, never zig zagging towards a bad patch.

Liverpool 5 – 2 Everton

If you’re having one of those days where the sheer idea of actual, by-your-side human company is a bit much for you – spare a thought for Marco Silva. What Marco Silva was doing on Wednesday was in fact his version of Twitch.

Watching others perform the same tasks he’d like to do, but much, much better. Marco sat there as Klopp showed him how it’s done. He just sat there. There was nothing he could do – maybe throw a donation at Klopp, maybe send him an emote on WhatsApp – but mostly nothing. Marco now no longer has a job, BTW.

Sheffield United 0 – 2 Newcastle

World superstar and household name Martine McCutcheon couldn’t say it any clearer to Chris Wilder. His moment was blown. Sheffield United and European football were rubbing up against each other like two passport photos trapped inside a wallet. Hell, even Johnny Lundstram became a medium-sized celebrity in the FPL world because of their efforts of late.

I think it’s important to realise that this season the likes of Sheffield, Leicester & Wolves (even Palace) are really giving this football malarkey a go – a real go – so much so it’s embarrassing many of the top teams. Newcastle looked good (for once) and Shelvey has realised that the Euro’s are around the corner and this is actually likely his last shot at being relevant in English footballing history. In case you missed it earlier, here’s the link to a classic 1999 BANGER. (CLICK HERE)

Arsenal 1 – 2 Brighton

And then there’s Arsenal, arguably one of the Premier League’s most fascinating teams at the moment, not because of their actual talent of players, but due to their sheer, naked desire to mess up any opportunity to climb up from the Wenger hole they were dropped in. Turning up to matches in diamond-framed sunglasses and a fox skin round your shoulders simply screams “HELP!” – Bellerin – not the intended reaction you’re clambering for. It’s a perfect representation of Arsenal as a whole, sure they’ve the wealth, the stadium, the flashy players – but what are they past that? Bellerin. They’re all Bellerin at the moment, caring more about themselves than the collective.

It’s impossible to know where Arsenal will be at the end of the season, either selling calendars on OnlyFans or a big turnaround in performances sees them climb into relevance again. Whichever way, it’s funny isn’t it?

FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Posted on 6 Dec 2019, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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