The players have had their Christmas breaks, many mince pies and life mistakes later we’re back – up and running again for the finals of the FantasyYIRMA Best Alphabet Team Tournament! (ED: Part 2 brought to you 6 weeks after Part 1… but whatever..)
NOTE – IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY – READ PART 1 FIRST – HERE
Round 1 we saw the world’s best take each other on in knockout-style matches with the winners chosen by the Twitter Community. The next rounds are no different – and so, to the 2nd round. We’ve lost David Beckham, Zlatan moved on to better things and has found himself a new place to erect a statue ripe for vandalism (AC Milan), Ryan Giggs is now in prison and the Quinn brothers have a Channel 5 show in the works.
For the remaining 12 teams its still very much game on – as today we whittle down 12 to 6 in the 2nd round matches of the #BestAlphabetTeam Tournament and follow on immediately with the FINALS results! (As this is becoming very exhaustive for both me, but importantly you lot).
The 2nd round matches were randomly generated (I promise) and again posted to you lot over on Twitter to cast the votes to decide who progresses. More so than last, these matches were very much one sided as the cream certainly did start to rise to the top.
Enjoy as we review the results, in some way or another…
C vs S:
Do you know how many times I stared at these two before I picked a winner? Loads. Bloody loads. It seems however the rest of you did not – you saw Gareth Southgate and thought NO MAN will pass him – Team S, you’re through to the next round. Sure, Costa and Cantona will kick off (literally…see what I did there?) but will ultimately be shut down by angry ginge’ Scholes who, even at 5ft 1in, will intimidate any man to walk right into his tiny pockets for 90 mins. I’d like the think the true downfall of Team C was the sheer “twattery” within its ranks – spitty Carragher, Kung-Fu-Cantona, the unanimously hated Ashley Cole and, of course, the angriest of Brazilian/Spanish/20-year-old/50-year-old men you’ll ever see, Diego Costa. They couldn’t handle on another. The team imploded.
Result (Twitter poll results): Team C 21%, Team S 79%
J vs H:
Poor Vinnie, if his team has any chance of winning it’d be on him to literally murder each Team H player. Vinnie won’t be murdering anyone today, he’s a “new man” after fooling absolutely nobody into thinking he has a lovely singing voice and a conscience during the weird X Factor celebrity thing over Christmas which, if you saw it, was horrendous. I digress, anyway yeah Team J got through round one thanks to some Jesus heroics and hilarious Jones distractions (but mostly by being up against Team I). This time J are exposed (not in that way) as Henry has a field day against David James who is completely vulnerable due to his pretty-naff back line. He’s very exposed (in that way).
Result: Team H 93%, Team J 7%
O vs R:
I fought back tears as Team O were being demolished in the votes. Poor little Oscars face, heart-breaking, the little fella just came here to play football and give us several too many failed step-overs. Instead here he is, Ronaldo winking all over the place and Rooney lobbing Ospina with every shot he takes. If you think about Team O and how well they likely gelled as a team they’ll be gutted with this, probably head for a team carvery after the game to talk over what went wrong – apart from Ozil who refuses to be a part of any team. Side note, Michael Owen arrives at the Toby Carvery on one of his many racehorses which immediately darts after Otamendi because he’s got a weird vibe about him – will sleep with your sister at a moments notice and snapchat you about it, kind of vibe.
Result: Team O 16%, Team R 84%
V vs UXZ:
Before I even began building the teams I knew Team V were going far. Finalists. All the VAN’s we’ve had in the Premier League speaks for itself. No brainer time also as they cruise past UXZ with little to no effort. No backline has been able to touch the firepower of V just yet, and this is no different. Zinchenko and Zabaleta are essentially bombing it up and down the wings like maniacs for the first ten mins it rules them out of the game – leaving Unsworth & Upson to stop RVP & co. In the words of iconic mentalist muscle-ridden old billionaire Mr McMahon, there’s no chance in hell that UXZ wins this one. The Vardy Party steamrolls on…(8% of you are mad men, born to ruin anything good in this world and hell bent on causing upset to all that is right in the world by voting for UXZ. That, or you didn’t believe Coleen’s BS and in fact it…wasn’t Rebekah Vardy).
Result: Team V 92%, Team UXZ 8%
F vs A:
The best thing about team F’s defence is Ferdinand (tailored beard one), unfortunately Ferdinand (uglier one) is also the downfall of team F’s defence. Sure, there’s Fowler up front but he’s too busy sniffing the side-lines to care. Les can’t do it all himself, yet he must try, Forlan is still celebrating a goal he scored back in the 90’s to care about today and Felipe is in a hot debate with Felipe over who looks less Brazilian. Aguero keeps replicating the AGUEROOOOOOOO….. goal against QPR by forcing Anton to put on his QPR top to which he obliges, he’s just happy to have even got a game here to be honest. Team A races through, likely scoring double-digits.
Result: Team F 18%, Team A 82%
L vs M:
The final match of Round 2 ends with a cracker! L vs M. It’s King Lundstram vs King Mane – 2 beasts of this years FPL season head to head surrounded by their merry men. I stopped for a moment with this one and sort of forgot that David May had happened, I just look at him and see a funny-likeable football presenter on MUTV when really, he’s got quite the trophy cabinet (arguably the biggest in team M? unconfirmed). Unpopular opinion time everybody: Team M should have won this one. You guys, you Twitter folk with the voting, you lot decided that Laporte & LeBeouf had the ability to shut down Mane & McClair? I am sure your vote was heavily influenced by Lundstram’s presence alone, and for that I forgive you.
Result: Team L 58%, Team M 42%
We’re down to the FINAL SIX – Teams R, S, H, V, A & L have made it through and will now have one last match each to decide the 3 teams who will advance to the 3-way-final…
R vs S:
In the same way we accepted Alex from Glasto to happen, I allowed these two teams to meet before the final – I know, what WAS I thinking. I truly thought this would be a very close result, but needless to say nowadays I was totally wrong. I don’t even know how to decide between teams at this point, I’m too close to it all, my nose agains the laptop screen as I painstakingly edit out the backgrounds in each crappy image I found of the players – all a blur. But I mean, it’s been fun up until this point, right? The final 6 is made up of 6 fantastic teams lets say that, so a loss here doesn’t make the losers “bad”. If nothing else, it only cements just how dominant the finalists are if they’re going through (like Team S here) with a whopping percentage of the votes. 5 English players per side makes me well up with pride (not really, but it’s ace to see!) and the Liverpool & Man United heavy line-ups is quite telling to how good both have been throughout the decades. We say farewell to one of world footballs greatest EVER players in Ronaldo, not even he can get past Schmeichel who scored the winner in the 98th minute as he legged it up field to score the winner with his lovely head!
Result: Team R 25%, Team S 75%
H vs V:
If during the inception of this clearly well thought out Alphabet Tournament you’d have say to me “Jack listen, hey man, listen. Colin Hendry? Come on, stop taking the piss mate” I’d have nodded in partial agreement with you but then challenged you to find me a more worth “H” centre-back from the Premier League. Now, to those nay-sayers, I say “looky here, good fellas. Colins in the final 6 whilst Eric Cantona didn’t even get past the 2nd round!”. I then watch as your faces turn red with embarrassment and you scutter off to your little Twitter holes. Anyway, Colin has taken a battering now, the mighty V’s strike again as they tear apart the weak backline of H as easy as it is to make Son cry (cheers).
Result: Team H 23%, Team V 77%
A vs L:
It’s a complicated thing, the ambient guilt of kicking out any of these teams at this point in the tournament. I know this, which is why it became quite popular on Twitter with the intensity and importance of each vote only growing stronger. This one warrented that extra few moments to ponder I am sure. Ultimately, Team A were slightly stronger across the board (Lundstram aside), and the voting reflected this correctly in the end. King Lundstram is gone. Ljunberg is out. Lampard is done. And Lukaku is still lazy. A progress to the FINAL!
Result: Team A 70%, Team L 30%
A vs S vs V
Di Marzio, “HERE WE GO!”.
Congratulations you three, we made it, we’re here, the final. We’ve all aged an entire year since you started reading this article – for that I apologise a little bit. But what a journey we’ve had, right? What a movement on the Twitter, what a way to round off the year with a bloody good vote on something completely random and unnecessary – many of you became almost TOO engaged which was lovely to see (we didn’t quite hit “rage tweeting” levels, next time). I have literally no evidence to support this, but I believe that this was the greatest ever alphabet team tournament done, period. What was a quick flash of inspiration turned into hours and days and weeks of trying to convince my fiancée that what I was writing was “really good stuff, like, really good trust me”.
The results – speak for themselves. A & V have been phenomenal and ARE incredible squads with top tier talent throughout, but they lack something that clearly Team S had in abundance – absolute superstars in every single position on the pitch. I truly thought V would win, I still would be open for a recount if you would like to convince me, but your voice is what mattered most and you went for S – the Superstar Squad. Look at their beautiful crowns below, and revel in the Best Alphabet Premier League Team EVER – Team S.
Result: Team A 13%, Team V 36% & your winner with 51% of the vote, Team S
FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN