FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN
Ladies & Gents (& Ryan),
We need to address something. No, it’s not my letter of apology to the family of Shane from Westlife. In truth, I am worried that my creativity is dying, there’s a lack of unique reviews running around my head – it’s not my fault, the doctors have diagnosed me with a very serious disease. Apparently, I have fantasy football fatigue (unsure the prostate exam was necessary for that).
It’s not just the YIRMA reviews that are struggling – we’re at that time in the season now where unless you’re still in with a shot at a decent finish (be that in overall rank or within your mini-leagues) you’re given up – resigned to making stupid transfers and taking points hit’s just ‘cos.
I need sparks of genius from the FPL community to ignite my creative juices – and this week that little flicker of flame came from @FPL_Dave in what was very much a rogue comment on an obscure thread essentially fuelling the idea that puns/innuendos are the way forward – we love to see them. Very much a lack of a theme, just the funny jokes really (no pictures once again – I know, I know, I am slacking. Maybe I am trying to keep my real job now that Ryan has exposed my efforts here).
Each game will have its usual ramblings of a review (of sorts) but will be littered with very subtle – somewhat saucy – jokes, if I can, because Ryan is desperate for views and this stuff if nothing else grab your attention!
So, there we have it, brace yourselves as these weeks GW review is going to get weird…
Norwich 1 – 0 Leicester
Leicester. AKA Leicester City. AKA Walkers Crisps. AKA Gary Lineker. AKA Grey Goatee. For a couple seasons now, they’ve ridden the high horse of fame through the Premier League, dilly dallying between “real threat” to “above average” – they are arguably one of the most exciting sports teams in the Midlands (see, Wolves, Derby & Port Vale). But it was little old Norwich (AKA Alan Partridge FC) who saw fit to push Leicester down to size this past GW. Jamal Lewis with the unlikeliest of belters to seal the 3 points for the struggling Canaries. Leicester now sit dangerously close to the climbing pack unaware that they’re all ready to pounce and ruin them – picture if you will that meme with the tiny woman sat on a sofa (Brendan Rodgers) smiling away without a care in the world, whilst many large men (Chelsea, Man City, United) surround her….Yes of course you can picture it, but damned if I am going to get sacked from this prestigious position I am in by editing that shambles of an image together.
Brighton 0 – 1 Crystal Palace
Anyone love those weekends where you literally have nothing to do, wake up on a crisp Saturday morning fully intending to have a cuppa whilst Soccer AM is on. You sit there all morning and then realise that the Saturday early kick-off match is absolutely shocking, so you’ve got yourself even more “me time”. This, this was one of those Saturdays. For realz. If you sat through this, you deserve what you got. It took 70 minutes before a goal, apparently, and the stadium just casually evacuated at the 80-minute mark as players on the pitch were spotted yawning and popping Nytol. As above, I want to keep my job so there is no actual picture…. just your lovely imaginations. All I will say is….2 Teams, 1 Goal.
Bournemouth 2 – 2 Chelsea
Bournemouth are the Anne Frank of the Premier League. They climbed up the League ladder until they got to the loft and they’ve been hiding up here for a few seasons now, hoping nobody really notices them. Chelsea turned up to their house (Vitality) this weekend, complete with big torch (Giroud) and new ladder (Alonso) which they recently discovered work quite well. Chelsea started well, climbed the ladder a bit (Alonso) before Lerma kicked them back down a little. Moments later Bournemouth threw a massive crown (King) down at Chelsea which broke the torch on impact. Chelsea made a last ditch climb of the ladders (Alonso) as the game drew in its final minutes, but without a torch (Giroud) in any working order they just couldn’t get to Bournemouth and both teams decided to back down. The game ended 2-2, and that analogy was arguably the most confusing things I have ever written.
Newcastle 0 – 0 Burnley
See Brighton vs Crystal Palace – horrifically boring.
West Ham 3 – 1 Southampton
West Ham’s first Premier League win in two months (dear god) was enough to take them out of the relegation zone, for now. Southampton on the other had were disappointing here but are still just 2 wins away from guaranteed Premier League security. Cocky enough to sub Ings before the game, the Saints had this coming really. Not so much “The Saints Go Marching In” as it is “Saints Aren’t Much without Ings” (that worked much smoother in my head). How about “West Ham Life – Flying without Ings”? OK, I’ll stop…it’s been a long week.
Watford 3 – 0 Liverpool
In the famous words of The Rock…FINALLY! The Kop HAS COME BACK…..to reality (I know the very few wrestling junkies amongst you popped for that). Sure, 22-point gap is still intact. Sure, they’re still absolutely winning the title. But this was fun for everyone wasn’t it? We ALL have 3 Liverpool players so no real damage was done in FPL, meanwhile Arsenal celebrated like they’d just lifted a trophy themselves once they realised that their Invincibles season is still the undisputed. Coronavirus disaster aside, the league can be wrapped up for Liverpool with 4 wins, and do you know who they play in their 4th match from now? Manchester City at the Etihad – how sweet that would be, and how torn Man United fans will be that day. Watford on the other hand given a gift with those vital 3 points – 7 teams still could effectively be in the relegation discussion, this only further gave Watford a fighting chance.
Everton 1 – 1 Manchester United
Spurs drew. Chelsea drew. Leicester lost. Here’s your chance Ole, here’s your damn chance yet again for the 10th time this season to capitalise and close the gap on 4th. Nope, clearly, it’s not part of “the process”. Everton deserving the points-split in a game which could’ve gone either way. De Gea had an absolute stinker and Man United were given a VAR respite because they reckoned Sigurdsson was having an offside nap in front of De Gea which obstructed his view when DCL scored (it didn’t, lol). United somehow now unbeaten in 8 games whilst Everton’s Europa dreams dashed with Wolves result later in the day. Bruno is still on fire. Bruno is an FPL must. Bruno deserves a mention because he just does alright.
Tottenham 2 – 3 Wolves
And lastly, we all laugh at Jose, don’t we? We love to see it. Spurs are bobbins at the minute (made even worse this week with their FA Cup exit and Eric Dyer deciding to leg it into the stands to mither some fans). Imagine if you will the Comedy Central show “The Roast Of”, and it’s cocky Jose sat there – the roasters would definitely be Pep, Jurgen, Ole, Moyes, LVG, Poch & Alex Ferguson. If you wouldn’t pay to watch that go down are you even a football fan? Wolves, you know what, I am chuffed for them. They’re following the Leicester template and finally breaking through the “top 6” teams ceiling that has stopped many teams before them. Just steady on if you get closer to United, but for now carry on chaps.
FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN
Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!
He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.