Written by Niall Hawthorne.

At the time of typing it looks like, but is not yet confirmed, that Trumpel Racistskin will be booted out of the White House when all the votes have been counted (That’s correct you moronic tango-skinned sweat stain, you’re supposed to count ALL the votes, not just yours).

While it’s is a sad day for this writer (Written by Niall Hawthorne.), who is now losing 50% of his inspiration for new swear words (thankfully Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is still going strong), it’s also a sad day for over 68,000,000 Americans who voted for Donald J. Trump to serve a further four years as POTUS. Democracy, eh?

Democracy indeed! Written by Niall Hawthorne.

I’m delighted that 68,000,000 Americans had the option to cast their ballot for one of the worst human beings to have ever lived, because that’s democracy. Democracy isn’t getting your own way all the time, or demanding that your opinion be held over all others. It’s about everybody getting a say, fairly counting the votes…and then getting on with it. If you don’t like the result of any election, you can be safe in the knowledge that there’s nearly always a chance for another say in the next election, unless you’re stupid enough to put a Yes/No question to an ill-informed and duped electorate on a single issue that will affect your country and those around it for decades to come, isn’t that right David William Donald Cameron? Written by Niall Hawthorne.

If I’ve learned one thing over the last four to five years, it’s that no amount of howling at the moon will change things you don’t like. Trust me, I’ve tried. You must actively pursue change if you want it badly enough. Which is why I’m petitioning FPL to null and void this season and start again. But until then… Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Onto GW8!

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Defender: Benjamin Chilwell, Chelsea  

Last week my frankly outrageous tip of Kurt Zouma garnered 14 points for those of you who followed my advice. You’re very welcome, although you should know that the cakes/sweets/drinks haven’t arrived at FantasyYIRMA towers yet, so you should check with your delivery company that all is ok.

This week I’m sticking with the Chelsea rear-guard as they face a home fixture against a struggling Sheffield United side. The Blades have failed to register more than one goal in a game all season, and have drawn a blank in four of their seven games thus far.

Allied to this fact is that Benjamin has yet to blank since making his first league appearance for Chelsea in GW4. He’s either registered a clean sheet, a goal or an assist each week since then, so I’m backing him to make it five in a row this weekend.

Midfielder: Pablo Fornals, West Ham United

Can you name the FPL player who has scored 9 points against Wolves, 12 points against Leicester City, 10 points against Liverpool, is under £6.5m and is owned by less than 2% of FPL players?

Hang on, his name at the top of this segment is a bit of a spoiler alert. Sake.

The point stands, however, and a home game to Fulham offers a cracking opportunity for further hauls.

Forward: Harry Kane, Tottenham Hotspur  

He hasn’t blanked since GW1, he has 6 goals and 8 assists in six league games since, he’s away to West Brom who have shipped 16 goals in 7 games, including two against Fulham (!) last week.

You don’t always need to be clever in this game. More than half of FPL players don’t understand that fact, as I type.

Captain: Neal Maupay, Brighton & Hove Albion

While I maintain that you don’t always need to be clever in this game, sometimes it’s exhilarating to take a risk…

Neal allegedly threw all his French toys out of his French pram last week before the Spurs game and was dropped completely from the squad, while cementing lazy stereotypes. Stellar work.

According to his gaffer however, all is forgiven, he’s learned his lesson and will be back in the squad for this weekend. Now if you’ve ever dropped a b*llock in work and had to swallow large slices of humble pie as a result, you probably remember working ever so hard to be that bit better for a few weeks afterwards, so everyone would forget…

Yeah, that’s what this whole tip is based on. Mortification. It’s a powerful driving force.

Outsider: Shane Long, Southampton  

Danny Ings is broken. Let’s all take a moment to bow our heads and wince…

Right, with him out, there’s a spot in the Southampton forward line to be filled alongside Che Adams. Shane Long has been regularly sprung off the bench this season, so logic dictates that he’ll get the nod. While researching his stats it startled me to realise that this is his twelfth season appearing the Premier League.

TWELVE!

I remember when he was the whispered up and coming starlet at Turner’s Cross, as Cork City fans waited to see what this young fella could produce alongside the then star Kevin Doyle. Alas, Steve Coppell raided the Cross and whisked both away to Reading, so we just had to watch from afar as the Gortnahoe native tore it up at domestic and international level.

With David ‘Didsy’ McGoldrick announcing his international retirement for Ireland this week, there’s a chance that Shane Long could get to experience a renaissance for both club and country.

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

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Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.