Written by @JackAGoodwin
Hello, only me again. Putting down my artistic brushes for a moment I thought best review GW9 in all its glory before it’s too late (honestly Ryan, I did not see all of those missed calls – nor did you have to travel to Milton Keynes to check up on me – I was just out walking the dog that’s all, must’ve just missed you).
GW9 then? Bit of a naff affair really only a mere 20 goals scored through all 10 matches. Pfff, the league is slowing down. Bring back fans! (but only in London & Liverpool apparently – makes sense, anyone been to West Brom? Me neither, probably for the best).
Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea
We started the weekend off quite routine. Chelsea brushing aside Newcastle in a dull affair complete with 4 total shots on target COMBINED. T’was Fernandez (Newcastle player) who scored Chelsea’s opener in the 10th minute – after which a bit of kick-about happened all the way until the 65th min when Tammy Abraham slotted home the 2nd goal and to wrap up the game.
Werner just squeezed himself into some points providing the assist for Tammy, relieving the 25% of managers with him still in their squads. Chilwell, Zouma and James owners chuckled into their lunch (I assume you all watched live) as clean sheet points-a-plenty were handed out. Ziyech after 2 double figure returns decided to have a match off, no threat but will be needed next against Spurs.
Sure, Chelsea go into 3rd in the league, but to use Lampard’s words after the game “remain humble” this season is as crazy but entertaining as a Matt Lucas and Noel Fielding combo (GBBO fans give me a “hell yeah!”). I’ll wait for the crowd to settle down.
Anyway, the last time Chelsea beat Newcastle 2-0 was way back in 2015, Oscar & Diego Costa finding the net. Zouma and Azpi are the sole survivors from that team. It’s good to look back isn’t it.
Aston Villa 1-2 Brighton
Villa next, a team we’d all banked on points in our FPL efforts. But no, FPL happened. Brighton won at Villa Park for the first time in their history. Sods law hey?
To rub salt into the wounds, Lamptey (new FPL Twitter love story) got sent off in added time for a second yellow. Now missing the Liverpool game…actually that’s alright I guess.
Over in the Villa camp over 40% of us now own Grealish, the reward? 1 point. Fixtures look good, his hair looks good, he’s good for now I am sure. But anymore blanks in the fairly easy schedule coming up and we’ll start getting rid – don’t think because you wear child’s shin pads we’ll treat you like one Jack mate.
That’s right, no points were scored by any of our FPL assets in a match comprising of 3 goals, 3 assists, 22 shots and 15 corners. None. Konsa & Traore for Villa…..March, Welbeck, Lallana and Gross for Brighton. I know. Typical FPL. NEXT!
Spurs 2-0 Man City
Aww good, now I can be happy again. City lost. Spurs are now top of the league after a quite stunning display against Pep’s side.
5 mins into the game it was Son who opened the scoring, much like in the Chelsea game then saw the 2nd go in just after 60 mins as lo Celso sealed it. Don’t cry though you lot, Kane got one assist at least. It was in fact though Lloris who took home the big points, 10 in total for his fine display, clean sheet and 5 saves throughout the game.
Over at City, it looks like the roulette wheel is becoming a permanent fixture for the next 2 years, probably should look to get that serviced though Pep – it’s not working properly at the moment is it pal! Fixtures, however, are damn near glorious for City from here all the way through to January. Do you risk Aguero? Punt on Foden? Have any faith in a defender to start a match? Either way, let’s all jump on board – it’s going to be a weird Christmas fixture period!
Man United 1-0 West Brom
Guys, guys…We’re not getting relegated this season! (huge pop!) A wry chuckle of relief echoed around my house on Saturday night as Man United very unconvincingly beat West Brom in the most undeserved victory for a while – but, I will take it.
Who else other than Bruno Fernandes – slotting home a penalty after the second time of trying (missed first, keeper past line, scored retry, lolz all round). Former Man United GK Sam Johnstone it was who had the bloody game of his life against United making 6 worldie saves to make things a little tough for the Reds.
Nobody of any skill or right mind has any West Brom player in their FPL teams, so onto United. Bruno with his 4th double digit haul took 11 points on the day for the 36% of us who own him, Rashford is yet again blanking, Martial now non-existant in teams (only 3.5% owned). Looking at United midweek in the Champions League, you’d bet that they’re hot pickings for FPL – but they just haven’t converted European form into domestic.
Funny how the dismal season so far for United sees them “only” 4 points behind Spur at the top should United win their game in hand. 2020 is mad, and if that means you’re telling me there’s a change – I am here for it.
Fulham 2-3 Everton
Sunday saw another game (like Villa’s) we in the FPL Community bet our livelihoods on the outcome – a huge Toffee’s victory was on the cards. Well, they did win but man did they make it hard work against Fulham!
DCL scored after 40 seconds of the match, returning Richarlison with the assist. Fulham equalised through Reid but at the half it was 3-1 Everton with DCL scoring his 2nd and Doucoure bagging his 1st for the season. Loftus-Cheek made it 3-2 after 70 mins after they’d missed yet another penalty – the 3rd one this season. They did try to recoup the goal, but Everton held on, wiping sweat from their scouse brows to skip away with all 3 points – needed after being beaten by United the previous GW.
DCL despite his ridiculous goal haul already, registered only his 2nd double digit haul for the season. Leeds up next, captain potential if ever I have seen it.
Digne has trolled a LOT of us over the week, he bagged 2 assists in this game “he’s back” we all yelled in FPL cheer – then, transferred him in (MANY people) and then he’s gone and injured himself in training. All a big laugh FPL isn’t it, keep laughing everyone. Oh, one last thing – James Rodriguez (remember him?), yeah 30% of you all still have him despite it being literally months since an FPL return. Back in GW4 to Brighton. Since, nout, absolutely zilch. Keep him, g’wan I dare you.
Sheffield United 0-1 West Ham
Welcome to Jack’s “Skip The Review Because The Game Was So Piss” section of the review. Haller scored. Fornals assisted. Sheffield bottom of the league. Massive shrug, sip of coffee, we move on…
Leeds 0-0 Arsenal
Pepe headbutted Alioski and received a red card, nightmare for the 0.7% of weirdos with him in their line-ups. Since scoring a rogue goal at Man United, Aubameyang has again shrivelled into half the man he once was before FPL repositioned him into a midfielder. I blame the FPL system, not Aubameyang. He did nothing, and those 12% of managers holding on, good luck.
2 points dropped for both teams really here, Leeds and Arsenal squandered clear chances to win the game – Leeds actually registering double the shots on target as the Gunners. Something has to change at Arsenal, fairly swiftly. They’re bottom half of the table with not such an easy run of games ahead of them. Ozil, sits likely at home wondering “what if” whilst the Arteta experiment starts mixing weird performances together so much they’re volatile to say the least.
Leeds, well, they’re having fun aren’t they! Back in the Prem, attacking without a moments thought and it’s very fun to watch. 36% of us all hold Bamford because if they are going to score ever, it will be that guy.
Liverpool 3-0 Leicester
Injury stricken? Tired from fixture congestion? No bother for Klopp’s lot! Liverpool sweeping aside Leicester in a dominant performance with a skeleton squad that pre-kick off was winced at with horror. Klopp’s pretty good isn’t he? Pains to admit. His side struck 3 times against a lacklustre Leicester who regardless of the loss still sit pretty in 4th spot only 2 points behind the leaders.
Firmino finally scored (but only 2% of you care), Milner grabbed TWO assists (but only 0.2% of you care) and the high FPL owned Jota continued his run of form with a goal, Robertson with a single assist to cast more doubt over his price tag. All a bit of a mess in Liverpool with injures right now, Salah appears to be Covid free after what seemed like a minute, whereas there are players dropping with injuries all around – 7 players with tiny warning triangles next to their names in FPL.
Leicester won’t feel too aggrieved, t’was against the champs wasn’t it. Fixtures are so tasty coming up too, you’d be a fool to drop them now! I say “them”…we only really own Vardy and Justin don’t we. Heed my words, Vardy is about to have his Christmas Party.
Burnley 1-0 Crystal Palace
Arr, now to boring Monday Night Football. When did they look at these two fixtures in particular and think “yeah, these are gonna bang! MNF for them!”? Crap games. Back to back. Burnley winning their first game of the season against a Zaha-less Palace due to Covid.
Chris Wood scoring his second goal this season after his first came in GW1 – Mr Consistent! You all only own Pope if anyone from Burnley and looks like the lads gone and got himself injured with Man City up next. All aboard the Aguero train?
3 games now and Mitchell hasn’t played a minute for Palace, the £4M player dream appears all but over – everyone move over to…oh no…there are none left! Sad times for FPL.
Wolves 1-1 Southampton
Last and pretty least also, we head to Wolves where a 1-1 score felt about right with two sides still trying to show the league why we should take them as serious contenders to break into the European spots.
Nostalgia all round for the Saints as Theo Walcott scored a goal for them, his first since way back in 2006 as a 16 year old when he was listening to James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on his compact CD player reminiscing about what just happened in The Da Vinci Code at the cinemas. FFS theo, making us all feel old.
Theo’s goal came in the 58th min, Wolves equalised in the 75th through Neto’s goal which was a rebound from Jiminez hitting the post. Both sides took home a point which after watching the match myself seemed quite fair to be honest. Had Ings have played, may have been slightly different.
Got this far in the review? I salute you! Let’s smash GW10 and I’ll speak to you next week Ryan. (I assume it’s only you who got this far in the small chance I slotted in some horrid words you have to edit out). (Ed: I read it)
FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN
Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.