There are NO Arsenal Defenders in this article!!

Mar 8

Gameweek 30 Preview: Fantasy Premier League #FPL

Written by Niall Hawthorne @NiallHawthorne

ED: Regular Preview Writer @FantasyGaffer has been benched this week after a string of previews where he picked multiple Arsenal defenders… Not Really…he’s back next week 🙂

Hi! I’m @NiallHawthorne, and you might remember me from such @FantasyYIRMA blogs as ALL the Gameweek Reviews this season and the now legendary (in my mind) Gameweek 12 Preview, where I tipped:

Alberto Moreno (6 Points)
Xherdan Shaqiri (5 Points)
Alvaro Morata (9 Points)
Mo Salah (16 Points)
Callum Wilson (17 Points)

How’d you like them onions, eh? So, y’know, you can heed the advice I’m about to convey…or not. Just don’t come crying to me Monday night (that applies if my tips are fantastic and you ignored them, or appalling and you followed them). Caveat Emptor! (No, he doesn’t play for Lazio, for F*CK sake…)

Defender: Jamaal Lascelles, Newcastle

If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. That’s some sage advice for you right there, and 18 GW’s ago I told you all to back a defender that was facing Southampton. Guess what? Yep! Rafa Benitez is preparing his troops to face Southampton, and his young padwan in the opposite dugout, Mauricio Pellegrino. These two have history; Pellegrino played for Benitez at Liverpool, then joined him as a young coach following his retirement. Rafa has remained ‘Rafa’ in the intervening years – he could likely coach the worst U-15 team in your area to beat West Brom on any given day – and his penchant for defensive strategy should see him in his element this weekend, as the Geordie defence face the worst attack in living memory. Jamaal Lascelles is the main man at St. James’ Park these days, and he’s nailed on for a clean sheet, while he also provides plenty of threat at set-pieces with three goals already this season.

Midfielder: Michail Antonio, West Ham

Yes, I know that the Hammers are muck, but you don’t want to play it safe all your life, do you? Come on, take a chance, roll the dice, spin the roulette wheel of life! While this choice is admittedly a risk due to The Moyesiah being an idiot of biblical proportions, Antonio’s recent form should guarantee him a start against Burnley at The London Stadium. A 6 point return in each of his last three GW’s, despite only starting one of those games, is impressive. Allied to this surge of form is the fact that Burnley hit 40 points with their victory last weekend, so they’re safe. Now I can’t tell you how I know this, but a credible source has told me that the Burnley squad have already hit the beach, mentally and physically. They’ve packed it in. Job done. So much so that the away kit they’re wearing against West Ham features Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and flip-flops. You know what? They’re dead right too.

Forward: Jamie Vardy, Leicester City

He’s playing West Brom. West Bromwich Albion. The Baggies. They play at The Hawthorns and they’re so bad that even if it was my back garden, I wouldn’t open the curtains to watch. They’ve conceded 13 goals in their last 6 games, against attacking juggernauts like Southampton (chortle), Everton (guffaw), Huddersfield (snigger) and Watford (ROFL). The players don’t care anymore, and why would they when they’ve got Alan Pardew as manager, a man with as much charm, empathy, talent and self-awareness as Donald Trump? There ain’t no party like a Vardy party, and Jamie is going to be smashing into the Blue WKD on Saturday night celebrating a hat-trick.

Captain: Eden Hazard, Chelsea

Did you see the state of Hazard at The Etihad last week? Man dear, he was trudging around that pitch like a young teenager who just got caught watching porn before being thrown out onto the street to play football with his friends. I’m not saying he was moody, but the actual Moody’s ratings agency downgraded Antonio Conte’s stock from A- to Junk Bond status. Now THAT is moody. However the upside is that he has pent up frustration inside him, bubbling up like a Belgian beer, ready to froth over against a hapless opponent who just don’t have the testicular fortitude to withstand such an explosion. Oh hello Crystal Palace! How nice to see you! Palace have the backbone of jellyfish, as demonstrated in their last two outings against Spurs and United and Hazard is going to take it out on them. He’s going to destroy them.

Oh, but always Captain Salah. I had to say that.

Outsider: Jose Heriberto Izquierdo Mena, Brighton & Hove Albion

This midfield dynamo has risen to prominence in the last few weeks as Brighton have picked up 11 points from their last 5 games, with the Columbian bagging two goals and an assist in that run. He’s got pace, an eye for goal and a effervescence that makes me feel warm inside. He’s also playing Everton who are going to get relegated. You heard it here first.