Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 28/29 Review
Written by @NiallHawthorne
Due to the inclement weather, along with the inclement* fixture list that put the last game of GW 28 on a Thursday bloody night, this is a review of GW’s 28 & 29 for your perusal. Larne FC’s Irish Cup quarter final match up against Ballymena was unfortunately postponed which meant my good friend Ryan @FantasyYIRMA ended up in IKEA- HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Regardless like a common Bucky Barnes, I’ve just thawed out, so let’s get on with it, shall we?
Leroy Sane managed to escape the attentions of the Arsenal defence last Thursday night as he scored, assisted, racked up 13 points and generally made a bloody nuisance of himself at The Emirates, to heap the pressure on the beleaguered Arsene Wenger. It’s strange that the Arsenal defence failed to keep tabs on him – his hair would make the Jackson Five jealous. Speaking of which, his spiritual hair brother Mo Salah racked up another goal and assist to heap the pressure on the beleaguered David Moyes after his 10 point haul. To be fair though David Moyes has looked beleaguered since birth.
Emre Can also turned on the style at Anfield with a goal and assist and 13 points to remind everyone that his contract and future with Liverpool remain unsigned and unclear. Rumours that he was heard to be singing ‘Just One Cornetto’ in the showers after the game have yet to be substantiated. Romelu Lukaku is often accused of being just a flat-track bully and incapable of really turning up when playing rivals in the Top 4, so he must have enjoyed ramming those words down everyone’s throat as he plundered a goal and assist against Chelsea…who were in 5th at the time of kick-off. Ah well. He still scored 12 points.
It got pretty windy down at the Vitality Stadium on the South Coast. In fact, there was a howling Gayle, as Dwight bagged two goals and 13 points. It was a productive weekend for the ‘Budget Strikers’ as Glenn Murray smashed home two goals for 12 points and made it 10 Premier League goals for the season. He has to go to Russia y’know. Come on Gareth, make it happen.
One of the features of the Donald Trump ‘Presidency’ (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) has been the supposed threat from North Korea. Intercontinental ballistic missiles (they’re like a Charlie Adam penalty, but not as dangerous) are supposedly capable of striking at any time, and the finger of a raving lunatic is on the launch button. Kim Jong Un has a button too. As the ‘leaders’ of USA and North Korea goad each other with their petulantly childish attempts at International Diplomacy, I suspect that both have failed to realise that the real threat of world domination is from an area just a few miles south of Pyongyang. Yep, South Korea are making a power grab on all fronts. First it was the Winter Olympics which showed how well they can organise and mobilise resources, and now they’ve decided to take the FPL world captive through Agents Son and Ki. The dastardly swines!
Heung Min Son is an old friend of this column, and he once more showed his class with a two-goal salvo to claim 3 BPS and 16 points against the Terriers. However it is the emergence of his countryman Ki Sung Yeung that makes me wonder what the South Koreans have up their sleeves next. Who knows, maybe they’ve invented a machine that can take all the snow and ice from their Winter Olympics in PyeongChang and dump it on us! Hang on….Anyway, back to the player with 13 points this week who is also a former member of The Urban Cookie Collective. Yes indeed, they had the Ki, they had the secret. 34 points in the last 4 GW’s from out of nowhere? The best kept secret in FPL has now been revealed.
As if this FPL game wasn’t content with allowing South Korean world domination, they also trolled us all with the 11 points gathered by Silva of Manchester City – except it wasn’t THAT Silva that 7.2% of us own. Indeed it was the lesser spotted Bernardo Silva (he of the 1.2% ownership) that stole the show.
Jack Butland gathered a very impressive 11 points following his display against Southampton where he kept a clean sheet, made 6 saves and got the 3 BPS. Of course it wasn’t a shock that he got all the Bonus Points this week, considering he also got them last week when he chucked one into his own net. They’re trolling us, I’m telling you…
Riyad Mahrez accumulated a miserable 2 points for 96 minutes of his match against Bouremouth last Saturday, but then decided to smash in a free-kick in the 97th minute to grab 10 points from the jaws of mediocrity. Following his recent temper-tantrum at not being allowed to sit on Manchester City’s bench for a squillion quid a week, he’s slowly made his way back into the team. However I’m convinced he’s only turning it on to keep potential suitors interested. Work hard for 90 minutes to help Leicester win? Sod that. He just smacks a thunderb*stard in injury time to remind everyone he’s available in the summer. Probably.
Finally Mike van der Hoorn aroused the 0.6% of those of you who own him, and why not? His chiselled, rugged Dutch features allied with a goal and 2 BPS for a total of 10 points? I’m swooning at the mere thought.
As for the Villains of the Week, we start with one man in a particularly sticky situation. He’ll be chewing on his performance this week for a while yet. It’s no wonder he’s feeling blue. He’s reportedly asking his wife Delilah why, why, why did he get a red card? I can’t tell you who told me that, it’s a private leek. Ok, I’ll stop now. Congratulations to the Everton Captain and Wales stalwart Ashley Williams. Top work boyo!
James Collins is a man that likes to look good in public. His recent pitch-side appearance for Sky Sports dressed as an extra from Peeky Blinders was lauded/ridiculed in equal measure. But when you stand out from the crowd like that, you should really try to ensure that you do so for the right reasons when carrying out your day job. Alas a 4 goal humping at the hands of Liverpool, combined with a yellow card for a score of -1 is not the kind of ‘blinder’ that James hoped for.
He’s joined in the hall of ignominy* by Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who had a glorious chance to get Arsenal back into the game against Manchester City (stop sniggering) but saw his penalty saved by Ederson, a man with more tattoos than skin. It didn’t plunge the Arsenal striker into negative point territory (he scored a big fat 0 points) but it did force his owners to all exclaim in unison “Aubameyang ya ding dong!”.
I’ll get my coat.
It’s very, very cold.
Ed: Dictionary Corner – Seriously let me go on countdown with
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