Gameweek 7: #FPL Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

I saw something in the ‘real world’ this week that I think should immediately be adopted by the footballing world and introduced throughout the game. The President of the United States made a speech to the United Nations General Assembly in New York and told the gathered world leaders that he’s the bestest President in the history of the galaxy and has done fantabulous things the likes of which none of them had ever seen.

They laughed. Oh, how they laughed. They also guffawed, chuckled and sniggered. It was a beautiful moment of truth in a world full of bluster and bullshit, and it was glorious. So, it got me thinking that this is what we need to introduce into football immediately!

When Jose decides to point the finger of blame at everyone but himself, the Sky reporter, the cameraman, the host and all the pundits should belly laugh until they cry. When Big Sam says that if he was ‘foreign’ he’d have managed Barcelona by now the assembled press corps should ROFL so badly that a ROFLCOPTER is required to carry away those who passed away from asphyxiation from laughing so much. This new rule should apply to everyone in football, not just managers. If Shearer or Danny Murphy spout laughable nonsense on MOTD then Carra and Nev should run into the studio to point and laugh. You’d never miss MOTD again and you’d certainly never fast forward through the ‘analysis’ on a Sunday morning, would you? (It’s ok, I do it too).

The effect will be instantaneous, and will overnight eliminate 80% of the nonsense vomited by those in football. So, thank you Donald Trump, for once you’ve really shown me a brighter future. Anyway, onto GW7 and you’re not allowed laugh at my tips…

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Defender: James Tarkowski, Burnley

Early season Burnley reminded me of a Brexit family just home from a ‘foreign’ holiday. They didn’t like the food because it wasn’t egg and chips and they didn’t like the weather because it was too hot. Anyway, they came home and they were a bit shook, and spent a few weeks moaning to all the neighbours about their horrific ordeal. However, a few weeks back home and they finally settled down and got back into the swing of doing things their way, namely believing everything they read in the Daily Mail and blaming Europe for all their woes.

Now that Burnley have that horrid European experience out of the way they’re finally showing signs of settling back into their normal routine. A thumping of Bournemouth last weekend is followed by a double-header against Cardiff (A) and Huddersfield (H) in GW7 and GW8. With their defence starting to look solid and Joe Hart looking like a goalkeeper again, James Tarkowski falls under the FPL spotlight. With two goals and two clean sheets in six games and under 10% ownership, Tarkowski could be the man to get you back in love with the Burnley defence we all crushed hard on last season.

Midfielder: Erik Lamela, Tottenham Hotspur

As Spurs continue their sensational tour of English football stadiums this season (they rocked Milton Keynes midweek apparently) there has been plenty of talk about their lack of a home ground and their lack of squad depth. However, there’s one man who may be about to solve one of those issues, and he won’t be wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis vest anytime soon.

Erik Lamela hasn’t started a game for Spurs yet this season, but in a grand total of 69 minutes spread over three appearances he has two goals and an assist. He’s not so much knocking on the managers door demanding a start, he’s taking an axe to it and sticking his head through like Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining’.

With Huddersfield and Cardiff next up for Spurs and Lamela showing this kind of form, I’ll be astonished if he doesn’t get some starts. Even if he doesn’t he’s shown he’s almost guaranteed points off the bench, and with an ownership of under 1% this man screams differential.

Forward: Aleksandar Mitrovic, Fulham

I’ll admit that at the start of the season I was pretty sure that Aleksandar Mitrovic would pick up more red cards than goals in the Premier League. After all his previous stint in the top flight with Newcastle was best described as being ‘a bit Guivarc’h’ (one for the 90’s nostalgists there).

However, he’s proved me very, very wrong (and I will allow the merest titter here) and has steamrolled Premier League defences so far. Five goals and an assist with his only blanks coming against Chelsea and Manchester City proves that the big Serbian can rattle most defences. With class players such as Seri and Schurrle providing the ammunition, Mitrovic can fire once more against an Everton defence who couldn’t keep a clean sheet in a dry cleaners.

Captain: Sergio Aguero, Manchester City

There’s a basic rule in FPL that you should always stick to:

Captain Mr. Obvious

Of course, you must calculate who Mr. Obvious is each week.

With Chelsea and Liverpool clashing, that rules out the likes of Hazard and Salah. Arsenal are home to a handy Watford side, so Laca and Auba are out. United are a circus so that rules out Lukaku.

So, we’re left with Kane away to Huddersfield and Kun home to Brighton. When you add the two, carry the one and work out the square root of ‘Duh’, then you work out that Aguero is Mr. Obvious, so Captain him.

Outsider: Junior Stanislas, Bournemouth

I’ll admit that this is about as ‘outside’ as you can get considering that Stanislas has 22 minutes of action in the Premier League this season, but he started in the Carabao Cup and scored within 15 minutes.

In FPL terms Stanislas has become a unicorn. If he ever proves to be the real deal then the whole world will stare in amazement, and you really want to be riding that unicorn when that happens, right?

Draft: Danny Ward, Cardiff City

He’s defined as being a ‘midfielder’ by FPL even though he’s the main striker for Cardiff City. Nobody else wants him, so why not take a punt?

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

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Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.