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Fantasy Football – Player Picks Ahead of Gameweek 3

GW #16 Review: YIMRA TV Box Sets

I know what you’re thinking, thank God Jack had the time this week to provide a thorough picture-full review for our enjoyment. I doubt you ever doubted me.

The powers that be at YIRMA HQ were over the moon with what I prepared for you three (I assume there’s still 3 confirmed readers of this?) this week…

The theme this week is TV Shows, and somehow I found 10 which I loosely tied into the results from the weekend and/or found reason to stick a players head onto a funny picture.

Hot off the press like a Greggs vegan sausage roll you’ve just sat on because you thought tucking it between your legs whilst driving would work – but now you’re left with pastry all over the place frantically crumbing in into the seats – here’s the GW 16 review…

Everton 3 – 1 Chelsea

Fresh from a victory against Villa, Lamp’s & Co rocked up to Everton pretty damn cocky. Duncan Ferguson in the hot seat for the Toffee’s saw Tammy Abraham swagger on to the pitch almost expecting to score. Not today sunshine – Duncan screamed effortlessly. Everton 2-0 up before Chelsea decided to wake up, but it was too little too late as the Toffee’s took the win. In other news, Chelsea financial director Ron Swanson was finally given the green light to make transfers in January and is already eyeing up a move for Chris Pratt & Aziz Ansari – although his first target is Amy Poehler as the new fitness coach.

Bournemouth 0 – 3 Liverpool

Liverpool are unstoppable. Sad, but true. Leicester’s party will only ever be second best to the Scouse rave, won’t it? I will bet anyone a £10 Burton voucher that Liverpool will win the league – that’s right, Burton (menswear). Spiralling back through the results so far, you have to assume that indeed it is ALWAYS sunny in Liverpool – it must be such a happy place (well, half of it) – like being in Denmark but with more robberies and folk you can’t understand. Liverpool performed a common assault on Bournemouth at the weekend, they didn’t see any of this coming. It was an intense 90 minutes that Eddie’s boys just weren’t ready for. “What’s going on, Eddie?” we heard the players cry. Only to be told “it’s alright lads, it’s over now, we can go and beat Chelsea next week”.

Tottenham 5 – 0 Burnley

Speaking of assaults. Jose’s inmates took the socks-of-soap to Burnley – 5 goals with no reply saw the Spurs faithful give Jose a rousing applause when he exited the field. We’re so fickle, us football fans, aren’t we? So, so fickle. Can you imagine any other elite manager on Earth going to a “rival” team and within a weak be 100% applauded? I’m not even talking a little, Spurs fans were loving life – guys you beat Burnley, at home, chill out, man. I would like for you to stare at the photo of Jose and the lads for some 300-400 seconds please. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that show immediately and I’ll hold a mirror firmly in front of your face and show you a dirty liar.

Watford 0 – 0 Crystal Palace

Please refer to the picture which epitomises the meaning “a picture paints a thousand hilarious words”. Palace had 0 shots on target after we all went mental over Zaha because some FPL genius’ decided he’s a good punt. Watford are bottom of the league and still 2.2% of us own Deulofeu (the most owned Watford player in FPL).  2.2% is now too many. Poop Show indeed, back to you Jack.

Man City 1 – 2 Man United

Thanks Jack…Got about a hundred thoughts going on, me. A million thoughts. I got a billion thoughts going on. If you tried to have a thought this morning and you couldn’t: that is because I was having all of them, over Man United somehow beating Man City in front of the world, for realz. I mean, where to dig into this party-sized cheesecake of a moment? Where do I tuck in first? This is the best thing Man United have done since, well, they did it to PSG. I am obsessed with watching this match on repeat. I still cheer every tackle by Wan-Bissaka, still nervous at every City attack (silently chuckling that the players aren’t aware that they will lose this match). It’s a delightful treat I never want to end. Alas, it will end, United will inevitably get beaten by Everton at the weekend. Was a good week though. Oh yeah, the picture…Speaks for itself really doesn’t it?

Villa 1 – 4 Leicester

Yeah alright that’s not a TV show but I couldn’t resist – I saw the poster and couldn’t help popping Rodgers and Vardy’s pouty faces on the bods. Rodgers must one day fulfil his prophecy and win the Premier League. He was born to do it, but the poor sod keeps getting pipped to the post. Once upon a time in Leicester this team swept the League, it’s happening again but only this time there’s something quite special up in Liverpool happening which is the footballing equivalent of party pooping. Sure, Leicester look fantastic. Sure, Leicester look very, very good. And sure, Vardy’s wife is still a little sneaky sausage we will not forgive (yet).

Newcastle 2 – 1 Southampton

Jonjo Shelvey was born to be an extra in British gangster films, but accidently became a high paid footballer instead. Jonjo wasn’t meant to score goals, yet here we are. Jonjo was supposed to be one of those guys in the back of a scene who don’t have any speaking lines, you just “assume” he’s got a foreign accent. Jonjo was built to appear side-by-side with Danny Dyer for a scene where he inexplicably gets punched in the face by a runaway chav in a moment of comic relief. Jonjo was set to earn a decent salary from being that guy who would eventually get a bit-part in Hollyoaks but only last until the Christmas storyline where he gets sent to jail for “life” as he may or may not have been caught giving drugs to the landlord’s daughters underage mate called Sheryl (spelt purposely with an S). Jonjo, is doing bits for Newcastle…And the Hasenhuttl circus rolls on, next stop West Ham.

Norwich 1 – 2 Sheffield United

When I was a kid, I loved wrestling if you didn’t know that already. I would pick my mate up routinely and throw him against the furniture until the sofa broke, someone bled, or my Dad caught and bollocked us – me for tombstoning him onto the carpet, him for being tombstoned (which was fair). What I am trying to say here is, even though Norwich are naff, AND the players are naff – absolutely nobody is getting a whack around the back of the legs for this. Clearly, it’s someone’s fault, right? Has Delia Smith been side-tracked by Christmas Cook Book release deadlines or something? Is Alan Partridge touring the city centre in a massive Pope-mobile? No excuses, someone deserves a sacking! On the flip side, Sheffield have once again found their winning ways after a Newcastle blip and are well in the mix for Europa spots still.

Brighton 2 – 2 Wolves

It’s not necessarily their fault, but the season-so-far journey that Wolves have embarked on is a football version of Frodo legging it out of his mushroom to chase a very posh British dragon screaming “I’m off on an adventure lads!”. Nuno (Gandalf) has convinced us all that this adventure could well be a success – based off last seasons performance they’re aiming to be a top table European-place challenging team for the long term. Last season they relied heavily on Jimenez. This season, he’s got little Bilbo-Jota helping him out and banging in some screamers of his own. Brighton played well, the draw was deserved, but going forward Wolves still look a strong squad but with one eye on Europa in the new year will they get distracted/fatigued/eaten by a massive dragon?

West Ham 1 – 3 Arsenal

Arsenal are a right show this year. We blast them, we praise them, we love them, we hate them all within 90 minutes. We dish out the reviews, Arsenal serve it back to us with a panto precision even Christopher Biggins would be impressed with. This week, they started the show poorly, leading us to believe it’s all gone Shane Ritchie in EastEnders (really rubbish to watch). But no, a quick flip-reverse and they go ahead to score 3 and take an easy 3 points away from the London 2012 Olympics Stadium (I refuse to acknowledge any other name for it). We’re fans, at the end of the day, fans just wanting to be entertained. We don’t care if Arsenal have 10 ex-players come and “have a go” at manager this season, we’re not expecting much, who really cares anyway until they hire Sol Campbell?

Lastly a random shout out but one worthy of a mention in my opinion.

@_Bands_FC have this week been collaborating with @OneMinuteBriefs to create some amazing, inspiring and powerful poster art to raise awareness for equality and to stop racism in our wonderful game of football using the concept of Music x Football. A great cause, with some great results – if you haven’t already, go and check them out by searching for #LoveMusicLoveFootballHateRacism

(here’s a couple of my submissions….)

FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

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Fantasy Football – Gameweek 11 Preview –

Written by @NiallHawthorne

 

Many of you now have big decisions to make. Those you have previously chosen have left you down, and not delivered what you wanted. But as ever there’s a chance to change your mind and get it right this time. Who’s going to deliver what you need? Who’s going to make your life better? Who’s going to (finally) deliver on all that promise?

Yep, just as each FPL decision is important, the upcoming General Election in Britain is a once in a lifetime event in terms of importance and significance, and you have a chance to choose your future.

But let’s be honest, your choices for GW11 are significant too, so let’s go!

 

Defender: Marcos Alonso, Chelsea

 

Considering the fact that Alonso missed the first 4 GW’s of the season, his points haul of 36 points in 6 weeks is bloody impressive and too good to ignore.

This week Chelsea are away to Watford who are the lowest scorers in the league this season with a sensationally crap five goals in ten matches. Chelsea and Alonso have three clean sheets in his six appearances, and are aiming for a hat-trick of consecutive clean sheets. Throw in his attacking ambition and this really seems to be a no-brainer this week.

 

Midfielder: Youri Tielemans, Leicester City

 

Last season’s post-January break out star started a bit slowly this season, but just like his team, is now flying high. He has twenty points from his last two outings which have yielded two goals, an assist and two bonus points.

The humiliation that the Foxes inflicted on the Saints should ensure none of them get past the Pearly Gates when the time comes, but that’s a while away, so I suspect that they’ll continue to plunder points and make life hell for opponents. This weekend they visit Crystal Palace, and I’m tipping Tielemans to continue his scorching form.

 

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Forward: Marcus Rashford, Manchester United 

 

Trying to analyse this Manchester United team is like trying to analyse Brexit. Nobody really knows what’s going on, what’s going to happen, and any predictions will make you look like a bloody fool.

Hi everybody! I’m a bloody fool!

The return of Anthony Martial will free up Marcus Rashford to return to his far more effective wide forward role (probably), and United really battered Norwich City last weekend. The two missed penalties spared the Canaries’ blushes, but it did show that United may be finding form going forward.

A trip to Dean’s Court this weekend offers further attacking opportunity. While Bournemouth are off the back of a couple of clean sheets, they’ve been against Norwich and Watford. Boasting about that would be akin to me boasting about my ability to put on my pants every morning. People are grateful, but it’s really nothing more than society expects. The Cherries won’t be keeping a clean sheet this weekend, you can take the word of a bloody fool on that.

Captain: Any Manchester City Attacking Player You Trust Pep To Pick, Manchester City

 

What’s the one thing you don’t want to have to face after you concede 9 (NINE) goals at home in a league game? That’s right, a trip to the highest scorers in the league. Unfortunately for Southampton, it’s even worse, and they face TWO trips to the highest scorers in the league. Football, eh?

This is the biggest no-brainer of the season allied with the trickiest selection dilemma since Love Island finished.

You know City are going to batter Southampton. But who will do the damage? Will Aguero start? If you know he will, it’s Triple Captain territory. But he started midweek (scoring twice) and hasn’t started in the league since 1976 or so it seems. Raheem will fill his boots, yeah? But Pep knows his side will stroll it, so will he rest him? Kevin De Bruyne then! Probably….But if at the end of the match this weekend, it wouldn’t at all surprise me to see Mahrez with 25 points, and all of the above with 1 point each after 90 second cameos off the bench.

But you should captain one of them!

Good luck….

 

Outsider: Kieran Tierney, Arsenal

 

He’s now started playing league games, and only 1.0% own him. Time to get him in, purely for the attacking potential. Also, Arsenal may stumble upon a clean sheet or two in the next few weeks as they face Southampton, Norwich and Brighton.

Worth a punt?

 

Draft: Dejan Lovren, Liverpool

 

A humongous 0.2% of FPL players own him in the classic game, and he seems to be getting the nod over Gomez in the league. If he’s available, get him in. Klopp knows best. So join Mrs. Lovren and Mo Salah and get him in your squad.

 

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 11 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

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