Blog Archives

FPL Gameweek 5 Review – Written by Jack A. Goodwin

 

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s the day you’ve all been waiting for!! My completely irrelevant and unnecessary roundup of last weekend’s FPL action – more importantly, for one week only – Welcome to FantasyYIRMANIA!

We’re here at the sold-out Bang Average Arena with a total crowd attendance of 387,528 fans (actual total attendance of this past weekend’s games).

Today we’ll have teams facing off in some of our most beloved matches as Premier League football goes WWE… and I try to amuse myself with photoshop whilst passing words off as a gameweek review article.

(ED: I mean, it’s my own fault. I knew this was going to be obscure when I agreed to it…)

————-

Empty Arena Match: Bournemouth v Everton.

We kick off the show before anyone has time to arrive – Bournemouth with by far the lowest attendance of the weekend with just 10K fans in attendance, Watford’s 21K over double that with the 2nd lowest. Those who did make it saw a lovely performance by the home side, Callum Wilson finally doing his job and scoring goals! In other news, Frazer Ramon made his return from injury.

Hardcore Match: Spurs v Palace.

We then bring out the weapons! Spurs & Palace treated us to the most yellow cards in a game this weekend with 7 spread across both teams. There were superkicks, big boots and at one-point Jordan Ayew climbed up the goal post and elbow dropped Erik Lamela. Rumours afterwards suggest that referee Craig Pawson had to confiscate brass knuckles found in the gooch region of Harry Winks shorts but has yet to return them – what are you up to with those there ‘knucks Craig?

First Blood Match: Man United v Leicester.

In what was a very close affair, Mr Perfect himself Harry Maguire faced his former teammates in a match decided by whoever draws first blood (scores first…). It was the Reds who took the win with a hard-fought match where Rashford finally tucked away a penalty and the Old Trafford crowd finally saw a victory at home. Jamie VarDiBiase was apparently furious about the result, immediately banging out Brendan Rodgers after the game.

Handicap Match: Norwich v Man City.

This wasn’t fair as soon as Kevin Friend started the match. Sure, Man City have the brain of Pep mixed with arguably the most in-form team in the world right now – but do they have Teemu Pukki? The odds were stacked against City from the get-go as the Norwich GOAT made his presence known with assists, goals and smiles for everyone. #Pukki4Life.

Last Man Standing Match: Billy Sharp v Danny Ings

Dear God Sheffield United v Southampton is a boring match, right? Right. So boring in fact that an announcement was made prior to kick off at Bramall Lane that the first team to get a person sent off loses. Cue, Billy Sharp. Getting bored himself, he decides to end it locking in the Sharpshooter on Stuart Armstrong– straight red and didn’t give a toss really.

Retirement Match: Unai Emery v Quique Sanchez Flores

Two very separate retirement plans on show – as Quique showed us all why early retirement isn’t always the best option, bringing back his fight for the draw in his Watford’s comeback against Arsenal. Unai on the other hand, demonstrating why early retirement is a valid way out. Arsenal are looking rather naff at the moment, Aubameyang aside, and are in need of improvements quickly with Man United on the horizon in two weeks’ time.

Should have stayed at PSG Unai, you had Neymar…Now you have David Luiz.

Submission Match: Brighton v Burnley

To use John Cena’s famous tagline, Burnley never gave up (John Cena is clearly a massive Burnley fan) When the clock was near its last seconds, Brighton had locked in the 3-points and were packing up, heading up the ramp. Burnley were ready to tap out until Jeff HendRick Rude reversed the hold to steal a point in the dying moments.

 

Weapons Match: Liverpool v Everyone

When you have Firmino, Mane & Salah in your arsenal then you’re bound to be quite the force. So far this season, nobody has been able to step up to the Liverpool trio. Sure, Newcastle managed to grab a cheap goal, it doesn’t matter to Liverpool, they’ll just score more than you…I’d potentially be able to land a lucky punch on Tyson Fury, he’s only going to hit me much harder until I crumble like a tiny child.

 

Goals Count Anywhere Match: Wolves v Chelsea

A feast for those who enjoy Match of the Day. Chelsea were rampant, goals outta nowhere, 3 goals in each half (one was a token own goal for Wolves as Tammy got carried away). With Liverpool incoming, Chelsea had a bit of fun here before they get battered on Sunday by Klopp ‘n Co.

 

Dumpster Match: Villa v West Ham

When we’re told that there’s Monday Night Football we rejoice, work doesn’t seem so bad and drinking in the week is perfectly acceptable. THIS match however, was appalling. A 0-0 finish which deserved nothing more than the 3pm slot on a Saturday to protect our valuable time. Referee Mike Dean tried his hardest to liven up the crowd with a cheeky red card midway through the second half, but it was to no avail. P.s. If you understand the meaning behind me choosing that photo, I like you.

————-

The show closes with a massive pyro show, no expenses spared here at FantasyYIRMA.

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Advertisements

11 Unknown Stories About the Current Fantasy FPL Dream Team

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

 

We’re just four weeks into the football season and we already have our breakout stars, our differentials turned goal machines and our overpriced flops. Here we delve in to the current top-11 players of the season so far, and look behind the footballing curtain to see what these guys are really about…

We’ve used the current Dream Team from the official FPL site to compile this list.

Also – as you’ll probably note – we are quite excited by the upcoming launch of FIFA20 and have doctored FIFA19 cards throughout this article in the vein hope that those lovely EA folk will send us a free copy…. SHAMELESS…

 

 

  1. Rui Pedro dos Santos Patrício

Apparently, Rui is just 31 years young – which I for one call BS. Well Rui is quite the hero back home in Leiria, Portugal. From his days as a Sporting Lisbon GK he actually became so loved that one fan apparently funded the commission of a statue of Rui which now resides there, capturing his (again, apparently) “iconic” save from a Griezmann shot back in the Euro 2016 Final. But what I really want to reveal about the 2016 Balon d’Or nominee is that his wife is a sex therapist, if you remember from the Euro’s back in 2016 she famously recommended that Rui & his Portuguese teammates masterbate prior to matches. (Link)

Ed: There’s 10 more of these??

  1. Patrick John Miguel van Aanholt

The cousin of Leroy Fer, Patrick was born in Holland to parent from Curaçao (a tiny island in the Caribbean which for some mad reason is actually a part of the “Kingdom of the Nederland’s”). He shares a birthday with Michael Jackson and famous astronaut Chris Hadfield (August 29th), I am almost certain Patrick is planning a moonwalk for an upcoming goal celebration in homage to his birthday brothers from other mothers. Fun fact, Patrick’s current contract banks him £3.5 million per year, which, to make you feel poor, means that each DAY Patrick earns roughly £15,000.

  1. Lucas Digne

Digne unknown to many is in fact quite the hero – during the appalling terrorist attacks in Barcelona back in 2017, Lucas was in his apartment nearby to La Rambla where the events unfolded and immediately ran down to help out the injured. To this day he never comments on what happened in respect of those lost – which, only makes the lad humbler and more likeable. He may have some Evertonian’s raging however once they notice that he has the words “I Never Walk Alone” tattooed across his waxed chest.

  1. Jannik Vestergaard

Fun fact – I was once a season ticket holder for Borussia Monchengladbach where Jannik was quite the star during his 2-year spell. Back in 2018 the rumour mills were rampant that he was destined for London, with Spurs and Arsenal looking to sign the chap (Link), but Jannik actually went down to Southampton and is still to find his true form. He has a fear of spiders and was told by his first coach at Brondby that he was “too lanky for football” – those two things had no right to be in the same sentence together but here we are. In the 2017 Bundesliga season he was the only player in the entire league to play every single minute of a teams season so he clearly has some stamina. He’s a New England Patriots fan (hence his dog being called Brady – Jannik shares the same birthday as Tom Brady too) which unfortunately makes me dislike him now.

 

  1. Raheem Shaquille Sterling

Jamaican born Raheem was given the middle name Shaquille because his parents were huge Shaquille O’Neal fans, also during the ten seconds reading this sentence Raheem has earned £2.50. This is based on his near £8million contract which is not bad is it? Last year during the build up to the 2018 World Cup, the English press decided to mess up the morale in the England camp by highlighting a gun tattoo on Raheem’s leg, which, turns out has a much deeper meaning about his father. Hard to admit, but all my reading up on Mr Sterling made me realise he’s not a bad guy really – still has a silly run though.

 

  1. Kevin De Bruyne

KDB does not like Thibaut Courtois. Fact. Prior to marrying the now mother of his two children, KDB’s ex-girlfriend admitted to cheating on him with none other than his fellow Belgian. Needless to say, KDB is pretty chuffed that Courtois moved over to Spain last year. Although born in Belgium, Kevin was eligible to play for Burundi due to his mother being Burundian – he opted to play for the Red Devils which was a fair choice if I’m honest. I think we can all agree, his biggest achievement in life was back in August 2014 where KDB was appointed as the Ambassador of Weltvogelpark Bird Sanctuary in Germany.

  1. Mohamed Salah Hamed Mahrous Ghaly

Mo is a very religious man, a devoted Muslim who thanks the almighty every time he scores a goal. Interestingly, Mo named his daughter Mecca Mohammed after the Holy site in Saudi Arabia – however he later changed her named to Makkah to distinguish it from Mecca Bingo! Mo as many know is a lovely man, some of his most noteworthy actions are the millions he donates to his home country to fund education, healthcare and to help end poverty – he also famously dropped charges to a thief who robbed his entire family and then actually gave money to the thief to help him become a better person. We should all be like Mo.

 

  1. Sadio Mane

Sadio is the epitome of “follow your dreams”, growing up in Sedhiou in Senegal with his Uncle due to his parents having too many children to be able to look after. Not only that, his family forbid him to play football as it was seen as too expensive. After showing promise with his feet, his local village all came together, family and friends sold their crops to raise money to allow Sadio to train. A phenomenal story from who is now one of my favourite players.

 

  1. Sergio Leonel Agüero del Castillo

In 2003 I was embarking on a journey to obtain good GCSE results and maybe not end up working in the Boots photo lab (which I did). In 2003, Sergio was taking to the pitch as the youngest professional footballer to debut for Independente in Argentina. He was actually signed by the team when he was just 9 years old back in 1997, at a time I was trying to pack a Charizard and become king of the playground. Somewhere along the way, we both made different decisions in life didn’t we? Anyway, Sergio has been on the pitch as a pro footballer for over half of his life, he married Maradonna’s youngest daughter but has since separated and the childs godfather is none other than Lionel Messi. His nickname “Kun” actually comes from a Japanese anime character from his childhood and the most impressive accolade is of course his FANTASTIC voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=19&v=hzwWtlSbzng.

  1. Teemu Eino Antero Pukki

If it’s not written in the stats, it sure is in the name. Pukki translates as “GOAT” in his native Finland, for most Norwich fans this now proves true – step aside Cristiano! 13 years ago he actually had a trial with Chelsea FC, but didn’t make the cut – the same scout then brought him to the UK when he signed for Celtic in 2013 as played alongside Virgil Van Dijk. Oh, and Norwich didn’t pay a penny for him. £0 for a Goat? Bargain.

 

  1. Kevin Oghenetega Tamaraebi Bakumo-Abraham

London born Tammy has been a Chelsea project since he was 8 years old, progressing through the ranks until they decided to loan him out to Bristol, Villa then Swansea. Internationally his Dad (Nigerian) is very close mates with the Nigerian Football Federation President who spent years trying to convince Tammy to “become” Nigerian to play for their national team, he even started the papers to do so – but eventually declined and now plays, kind of (2 appearances) for England. He was on the cusp of joining Newcastle on loan last summer before he was advised not to due to being “young and rich in a city known for a great nightlife”.

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Arsenal, Everton and Liverpool Make the Preview

West Ham, Man City and Liverpool Make the Preview

Everyone’s After A Bit of Pukki

Wolves: R.Patricio, Bennett, Coady, Boly, Doherty, Otto, Neves, Moutinho, Dendoncker, Jiminez, Jota

Subs: Ruddy, Neto, Cutrone, Gibbs-White, Saiss, Vinagre, Adama

Manchester United: De Gea, Wan-Bissaka, Lindelof, Maguire, Shaw, McTominay, Pogba, James, Rashford, Martial

Subs: Romero, Young, Andreas, Mata, Matic, Greenwood, Tuanzebe

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – FPL Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

The dictionary definition of a ‘Series’ is a number of events of a similar or related kind coming one after another.

Coronation Street has had murders, Ken Barlow affairs and hotpots for decades.

EastEnders has had menacing gangsters, unplanned pregnancies and Ian Beale crying for years.

Emmerdale has had sheep, plane crashes and Marilyn from Home & Away inexplicably roaming around the dales for yonks.

The point is that you know what you’re going to get from a ‘Series’, because you can see the pattern.

Now if you happened to watch the first episode of a new series last weekend called ‘FPL Season 2019/20’ and you think you know what’s coming next, you’re an idiot.

So, put down that Wildcard chip, stop f*cking panicking, and at least wait for GW2 to happen before drawing any conclusions. Remember Steve Mounie? He didn’t turn out to be the next Alan Shearer, did he? Yet he scored two goals in GW1 in August 2017 and promptly stank the place out for the next nine months.

In short, nobody knows what’s coming next. So, with that, here’s my predictions for GW2!

Defender: John Egan, Sheffield United  

The Blades had the best defensive record in the Championship last season, which Egan was at the heart of, and they looked very much at home in the cut and thrust of the Premier League when they visited Dean’s Court last weekend.

This weekend the Premier League returns to Bramall Lane, the scene of the very first Premier League goal in history, scored by Brian Deane past a hopeless Danish keeper called Schmeichel. Clearly that was a sign of things to come in the future, eh?

Crystal Palace are the visitors this time featuring Christian ‘I used to score goals’ Benteke, Wilfried ‘I’m a good player get me out of here’ Zaha, and ‘Mad’ Max Meyer. While their away from was their saviour last season, something tells me that The Hodge has a tougher job on his hands this season, and a bouncing Bramall Lane will be a tough place to perform.

 

 

Midfielder: John McGinn, Aston Villa

This season’s version of Ryan Fraser.

You can thank me next May.

 

 

Forward: Teemu Pukki, Norwich City

Norwich look like they’re going to have a real go this season. They attacked Liverpool with gusto on Friday night, deservedly grabbing a consolation goal which was finished with aplomb by their Finnish finisher Pukki.

This weekend the Geordie Circus rolls into town with Steve Bruce in a top hat and Mike Ashley as usual playing the clown. Carrow Road will be hopping, Delia will have been on the sherry since lunchtime, and by 5pm you’ll be crowing about how this Canary helped you nail GW2.

Captain: Mo Salah, Liverpool

Aubameyang faces Burnley at 12:30 on Saturday. I never Captain a player at that time slot, and neither should you.

Sterling/Aguero and friends have a tricky enough looking home game against Spurs. While they may well run riot once more, Spurs are no mugs and may stifle the home side for a while at least.

That leaves Salah at Southampton. He notched there last season when he ran for 50 yards before slotting from outside the box. The Saints were battered by Burnley last weekend and showed defensive vulnerability, and whatever shortcomings you may see in Liverpool so far this season, they look to be as razor sharp offensively as ever.

So, it’s Mo once more.

Outsider: Adrian, Liverpool  

£4.5m to get a guaranteed starter in the best defence last season?

This climate change lark is getting out of hand. It’s Christmas in August FFS!

 

Draft: Moise Kean, Everton 

Everton have signed a young Irish lad from Juventus who should be leading the line very soon and banging in goals for fun.

At least, I’m assuming he’s Irish with a name like Mossie Keane. Wait, what? Moise Kean? Not qualified for Ireland?

Meh, it didn’t stop Tony Cascarino.

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

Fantasy Football – FPL Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

The dictionary definition of a ‘Series’ is a number of events of a similar or related kind coming one after another.

Coronation Street has had murders, Ken Barlow affairs and hotpots for decades.

EastEnders has had menacing gangsters, unplanned pregnancies and Ian Beale crying for years.

Emmerdale has had sheep, plane crashes and Marilyn from Home & Away inexplicably roaming around the dales for yonks.

The point is that you know what you’re going to get from a ‘Series’, because you can see the pattern.

Now if you happened to watch the first episode of a new series last weekend called ‘FPL Season 2019/20’ and you think you know what’s coming next, you’re an idiot.

So, put down that Wildcard chip, stop f*cking panicking, and at least wait for GW2 to happen before drawing any conclusions. Remember Steve Mounie? He didn’t turn out to be the next Alan Shearer, did he? Yet he scored two goals in GW1 in August 2017 and promptly stank the place out for the next nine months.

In short, nobody knows what’s coming next. So, with that, here’s my predictions for GW2!

Defender: John Egan, Sheffield United  

The Blades had the best defensive record in the Championship last season, which Egan was at the heart of, and they looked very much at home in the cut and thrust of the Premier League when they visited Dean’s Court last weekend.

This weekend the Premier League returns to Bramall Lane, the scene of the very first Premier League goal in history, scored by Brian Deane past a hopeless Danish keeper called Schmeichel. Clearly that was a sign of things to come in the future, eh?

Crystal Palace are the visitors this time featuring Christian ‘I used to score goals’ Benteke, Wilfried ‘I’m a good player get me out of here’ Zaha, and ‘Mad’ Max Meyer. While their away from was their saviour last season, something tells me that The Hodge has a tougher job on his hands this season, and a bouncing Bramall Lane will be a tough place to perform.

 

 

Midfielder: John McGinn, Aston Villa

This season’s version of Ryan Fraser.

You can thank me next May.

 

 

Forward: Teemu Pukki, Norwich City

Norwich look like they’re going to have a real go this season. They attacked Liverpool with gusto on Friday night, deservedly grabbing a consolation goal which was finished with aplomb by their Finnish finisher Pukki.

This weekend the Geordie Circus rolls into town with Steve Bruce in a top hat and Mike Ashley as usual playing the clown. Carrow Road will be hopping, Delia will have been on the sherry since lunchtime, and by 5pm you’ll be crowing about how this Canary helped you nail GW2.

Captain: Mo Salah, Liverpool

Aubameyang faces Burnley at 12:30 on Saturday. I never Captain a player at that time slot, and neither should you.

Sterling/Aguero and friends have a tricky enough looking home game against Spurs. While they may well run riot once more, Spurs are no mugs and may stifle the home side for a while at least.

That leaves Salah at Southampton. He notched there last season when he ran for 50 yards before slotting from outside the box. The Saints were battered by Burnley last weekend and showed defensive vulnerability, and whatever shortcomings you may see in Liverpool so far this season, they look to be as razor sharp offensively as ever.

So, it’s Mo once more.

Outsider: Adrian, Liverpool  

£4.5m to get a guaranteed starter in the best defence last season?

This climate change lark is getting out of hand. It’s Christmas in August FFS!

 

Draft: Moise Kean, Everton 

Everton have signed a young Irish lad from Juventus who should be leading the line very soon and banging in goals for fun.

At least, I’m assuming he’s Irish with a name like Mossie Keane. Wait, what? Moise Kean? Not qualified for Ireland?

Meh, it didn’t stop Tony Cascarino.

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 2 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

%d bloggers like this: