GW #11: FPL x Apprentice
The best show on TV is currently airing, don’t @me any other shows. The Apprentice is the best show. So special that everyone involved ultimately loses, almost always catastrophically. Leaving their “normal” jobs to pretend to do business and then when they lose they must pop on a big scarf and get in a cab.
In FPL terms, we’re all trying to become the best in the business, in the Prem (right now), it’s Klopp. Klopp is the Premier League’s version of Alan Sugar – a man who cannot convincingly point at people. Close second is Pep, aka Karen.
Certain results this weekend have further highlighted a few managerial candidates who’re a failed pitch away from the board inelegantly pointing their finger at the lot of them! Ole, Poch, Unai, currently in the bottom three.
This week for the GW11 Review, I’ll be hosting The Yirmapprentice (I know, decent that). Breaking down GW11’s 10 fixtures, working out which of the opposing managers are more likely to be fired based on their performances…
Written by @JackAGoodwin – honestly… blame him
Match #1: Eddie Howe vs Ole Gunner Solskjaer
Eddie won’t be fired, no. Look at what he’s done for Bournemouth. Lifted them from the depths of League 2 all the way to now being a solid team in the Prem. Ole, on t’other hand, scored a volley back in ’99 and is still living off the memory of said goal. This season, it’s getting more dire for United with the crosshair steadily getting closer to Ole as his innocent-child persona is slowly withering away. This result will not have helped things and I can honestly say (as a United fan) that I fear the United Board will once again react to results rather than see a bigger issue in their mirrors.
Match Result – Bournemouth further compound United’s misery (1-0).
Fired – Ole Gunner Solskjaer
Match #2: Unai Emery vs Nuno Espirito Santo
Unai is suffering from the David Moyes effect. Absolutely everything is under a microscope after taking the seat of long-term leader Wenger. Desperate for instant results, tactics bounce from one plan to another as he tries to impress the ever-vocal Gunners faithful. He’s had a falling out with arguably their best player in Ozil, his captain’s telling everyone to f**k off and still they sit 5th in the League and oddly nobody is happy with it. Nuno meanwhile can’t do anything wrong. 3 draws in a row now since beating Man City – he’s allowed himself some time to bake in his tactics as Wolves still see themselves trying to break out of the group stages of Europa as well.
Match Result – Wolves take a valuable point from Arsenal, who really needed this one! (1-1)
Fired – Unai Emery
Match #3: Dean Smith vs Jurgen Klopp
Nobody called Jurgen is getting fired, sorry. Germans are just better at things than the rest of us. Dean Smith however? I bet 10 Dean Smiths were fired today alone throughout scrapyards, debt collection agencies and rogue brickies working for their mates Dad across the UK. There’s a lot going wrong for Deano here I am afraid – not only does he look like the default create-a-middle-class-bloke, but he’s up against a Jurgen. Look at the non-photoshopped photo and tell me you’d fire him. That’s right, you wouldn’t! He looks bloody good. Jurgen is on-track for a record season, once again, this time perhaps claiming the elusive League title. Dean will be found at the Job Centre in central Birmingham before Easter.
Match Result – Jurgen (of course) finds a way! (1-2)
Fired – Dean Smith
Match #4: Graham Potter vs Daniel Farke
Let me first go on record to declare that never has a man looked less like a Graham Potter, than Graham Potter. Also, rather fitting is how Mr Farke truly looks like he’s been at a party WAY too long and he really should be getting home now because he’s starting to smell and has sobered up so much he’s cranky with everyone. The Pukki Party was great fun whilst it lasted, but we’ve all left and been home curled up with our kebabs for ages now. Daniel stayed too long. Daniel is determined to party. Pukki is now Pukey, and Farke is becoming a farce.
Match Result – Graham (surely that’s not his name, surely) takes the rather easy win here. (2-0)
Fired – Daniel Farke
Match #5: Pep Guardiola vs Ralph Hasenhuttl
No offence Ralph, but literally everyone chuckles when your surname is spoken. It’s a fun name, sure. Pep, like Jurgen cannot do anything wrong, even with rogue losses he’s safe. He’s Pep. We all know Pep. Pep is one of the best, annoyingly likeable and has the smoothest shiniest head you’ll ever have the pleasure of looking at yourself in. Pep will remain at City until Pep wants to leave City – he has the sole vote in Pepxit (try and say that one without it annoying your tongue). GW10 saw Pep do Peppy things and take the win in the dying moments, the sod.
Match Result – City do United (circa 1999-2011) things and win in the dying moments. (2-1)
Fired – Ralph Hasenhuttl (lol)
Match #6: Chris Wilder vs Sean Dyche
Do you have that friend/colleague that you can’t understand for the life of you, you nod your head just to get away from the conversation? Sean Dyche is one of them (Ryan YIRMA is another, sorry mate). Well I reckon, hear me out, even if Burnley were bottom of the league table they wouldn’t bother trying to sack Dyche as they genuinely don’t want to get into a conversation with him. On the other hand, Chris’ Sheffield United are doing pretty good!! 6th in the Premier League, the world’s gone mad. Keep this up and it may just be a sacking letter in the post to Dyche (saving the conversation). Super Johnny Lundstram still increasing in value and at 25 years old may see him move as early as January which could be bad for the Blades.
Match Result – Sheffield keep up their 2015-16-Leicester-like form. (3-0)
Fired – Sean Dyche (via mail).
Match #7: Manuel Pellegrini vs Steve Bruce
Two old farts battling it out, that’s what this was. These are the token OAP entrants to Yirmapprentice Season 1 although Brucie keeps trying to have a kick-about with the lads’ pre-game and causing his arthritis to flair up. Manuel is literally knocking at deaths door, look at him, I’m not even being mean really, he’s like a season 3 Walking Dead zombie at this point. I don’t think this one’s about who’ll be sacked first, rather who’ll kick the bucket before the other! Pellegrini through literally going full Avengers and dusting into the atmosphere of Brucie having too many WKD’s with the lads after a cheeky win.
Result – Stevie is still recovering from the Bud Light he necked after taking all 3 points (2-3)
Fired – Manuel Pellegrini (in roughly 6 months) / Steve Bruce (in roughly 6 wins).
Match #8: Quique vs Frank Lampard
The Frank Lampard story is a polar opposite of the Ole Gunner story, ironically playing very similar football with mostly unproven young players mixed with a few loyal elites. As much as it pains to say, Frank has done more for Chelsea than Ole did for United – his legacy is engrained in Chelsea football so much that he has a hell of a long rope to hang himself should he choose – but recently he’s enjoying the spoils of victory in the league. Sure, Ole beat him in the cup mid-week, but I think that says more about United’s absolute desire for ANY trophy at this point where as Lampard is clearly building something special. Watford, bottom of the league, will be on the lookout for a new Manager ASAP as it’s just not working for Quique. The next 3 games (winnable) will decide his fate.
Result – Super Frank does it again. (1-2)
Fired – Quique
Match #9: Roy Hodgson vs Brendan Rodgers
Something special is happening at Leicester, once again. They look exciting, fast, attacking and almost ruthless in how they attack any team put in front of them. Is Brendan channelling his 2013-14 Liverpool mana-powers?! Still bitter from the famous slip from Gerrard, Brendan has created a team with confidence – 2 points behind Man City and 8 behind Liverpool which, at this point in the season is reachable. Roy, on the other hand, is cautiously managing a Palace side we still know nothing about. They’ve beaten United, drew at Arsenal, sit 9th in the league but don’t appear to have absolute match winners in the side. Roy is a few bad results away from becoming a target of blame – but if he can keep momentum through to the January transfer window then it’s likely he’ll power-up the team and see the season through.
Result – Leicester win, becoming even more dominant and visible at the top of the league (0-2)
Fired – Roy will be first to go out of the two.
Match #10: Marco Silva vs Mauricio Pochettino
And finally – Marco & Mauricio. Two chaps who we KNOW are decent managers, they’ve achieved reasonable success in their careers, enough to justify their positions. However, it’s all falling apart, for the pair of them. Everton creeping above the relegation zone and Spurs looking a lost cause at the moment. Do these guys want their jobs? Are they letting the team crumble around them hoping for a bigger, better opportunity? I fear more for Poch, control of one of the most heavily invested in teams on the last few seasons, just not finding the results the fans or owners want to see. A draw is quite fitting.
Result – Both guys cannot decide which is worse. (1-1)
Fired – If results don’t improve, Poch will be gone before January!
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