Premier League GW8 Review – Featuring Oasis, Piers Morgan and Coronation Street

Oct 8

Game Week #8 Review – FPL Celebrity Face-Off

Written by Jack A. Goodwin, (Blame him)

-Follow on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

There’s a bad vibe this gameweek, very much a negative one, only recovered slightly by knowing that the entire FPL “professional community” are just as naff as the rest of us! But I don’t blame them this week, I don’t blame the Bang Average podcast, nor do I even blame Ole Gunner Solskjaer – this disaster of a gameweek boils down to one thing. Celebrities.

I know, I know. You’re instantly thinking “oh no, Jack’s running away on another tangent”. Perhaps you’re right – but hear me out…You could for the next 10 mins be reading a tame review of the past gameweek results, which – for the most part – you’re all well aware of anyway. OR…what if I explained every result in a way that each team’s most famous fan celebrity’s face-off in a fight? It’s a no brainer, right? Right…

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Brighton vs Tottenham / Fatboy Slim vs Lord Alan Sugar

Two old fellas with big ego’s first up in the ring as Fatboy Slim immediately starts belting Alan with vinyl records, chucking them like frisbees right at Sugar’s cockney face. Alan can’t handle it, he’s all over the shop rambling about profit margins and yelling that everyone is fired. Needless to say, this is a direct reference to how Brighton beat up Tottenham in the early kick-off – 3 goals with no response saw Spurs get the nut-shot in a week where they already got battered by Bayern.

Burnley v Everton / Chesney from Corrie vs Sylvester Stallone

Chesney is the closest thing to an on-screen heartthrob in Coronation Street. Blessed with sun drenched locks and a nose even Owen Wilson would be proud of. Survivor are already tuning up their guitars, almost certain that Everton superfan Stallone will one-punch-KO Chesney right back into Cilla’s womb! However, Rocky made the fatal error of teaching Everton how to fight – so much so that Seamus Coleman got a little bit carried away and decided to have punch up’s all over the place, distracting Stallone just enough so Jeff Fredricks can spike his drink. Burnley win by a one-goal margin to heap more misery on the now relegation-zoned Everton.

Liverpool vs Leicester / LeBron James vs That bloke from Kasabian who’s always on Soccer AM

Yeah alright we get it mate, you once scored a top-bin on Soccer AM so now you get to be on the show each season – cut your hair and move on Sergio. Tough opposition for Sergio & Leicester this week however as Liverpool brought in 6ft 8in LeBron to Merseyside for this one. Sergio baffles LeBron throughout with his skinny jeans and helmet haircut, LeBron nearly passes out as a result of inhaling all of Sergio’s hairspray. But, similar to how it goes in the NBA, this one came down to a buzzer-beating free-throw (penalty). Boring Milner stepped up (as LeBron cannot touch a ball unless it’s with his hands), scores and celebrates as if he’s actually a decent player for a second. Liverpool steal the win.

Norwich vs Aston Villa / Snoop Dogg vs Tom Hanks

Ticket sales were through the roof, Snoop Dogg hosting the Pukki Party LIVE from Carrow Road – what could possibly go wrong? Delia Smith, that’s what. Snoopy asked Smith to bake him and the Norwich boys some delicious pre-party brownies with his secret ingredient – Delia obliged, oblivious to the now weed-ridden treats being devoured by Snoop Dogg & Co. Norwich were a mess. Giggling all over the place, only coming down from their high after 88 minutes to start scoring a goal, which at that point was only a consolation. Tom Hanks literally did nothing but watch as his Villa scored 5 goals past poor Norwich – although he did get told to sit down by the stewards every now and again as he kept standing up yelling WILSON! at the ball.

Watford vs Sheffield United / Elton John vs Sean Bean

Hardly worth the write up this one. Elton decided to serenade the hometown supporters with a little song before kick-off. He chose Candle in the Wind. For 90 minutes players, staff, fans, commentators, all fell asleep. Only to be woken at the 90^th minute as Sean got a little chill down his spine and shouted winter is coming! The match was abandoned at 0-0.

West Ham vs Crystal Palace / Mia Khalifa vs Eddie Izzard

Poor West Ham, they were playing so well, more shots, more possession – they just couldn’t stop looking up at the stands at Mia. The distraction cost them. Izzard wasn’t fazed, not buying in to the innocent charm of Khalifa he and Palace were focused throughout and took home all 3 points. Mia (famous social media food critic – previous experience unknown), was devastated by the loss and stormed the boardroom for answers which was all filmed and DVD’s are now being sold at the stadium (18+).

Arsenal vs Bournemouth / Piers Morgan vs Seth Rogan

Smug Piers was in full force at the Emirates as Seth Rogan just couldn’t get a word in edgeways with him, trying SO hard to say his best ironic immature jokes out to no avail. Rogan actually at one point started laughing at Piers but his laugh itself was so strange that the crowd turned on him. David Luiz of all people scored a goal whilst Rogan was giggling to himself and Piers smugly tweeted into the night with an Arsenal victory which lifted them up to 3^rd in the league!

Man City vs Wolves / Oasis vs Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin)

Never going to end well when you bring the Gallagher brothers together is it? Not a whole lot of love between them, and it showed, as Zeppelin left City dazed and confused after the 90 minutes, Pep not a clue what just went on – stood there in the end like a fool in the rain. Little by little as the match progressed, Liam kept nicking the microphone from Noel (who arguably was better with it) which some might say was the downfall of the game. Too much focus on anything other than the result which everybody in the stadium had thought was inevitable. Wolves won 2-0 to shock the champs and open the gap between City and Liverpool.

Southampton vs Chelsea / Craig David vs Will Ferrell

It’s not often that a man with an equal if-not-better-and-more-powerful voice comes along to steal the spotlight from Saints fan Craig David. But on a wet Sunday on the coast – that is exactly what happened as the angelic vocals of Will Ferrell physically took David’s breathe away in a stunning performance. Craig only managed to take a girl for a drink on the Tuesday when Ferrell stole his girl and swooped her away to the Catalina Wine Mixer. Will then proceeded to put his nutsack on Craig’s drummers drum set which is when it all went downhill for the Saints – Craig was helpless without his hi-tap and Chelsea took the win 4-1 and headed back to London.

Newcastle vs Man United / Ant & Dec vs Enrique Iglesias

Ironically, there was no hero in sight for Enrique or Man United this Sunday. Newcastle were ready to rumble and took down the once mighty red devils 1-0 to bring more depression to it’s near 1 billion strong fan base worldwide. Not the fairest of fights however as we all know Ant & Dec are one of (if not THE) most powerful double act of all time – Enrique didn’t stand a chance and has already begun writing a sad song to remember the day. To rub salt in the wounds, Mike Ashley then recreated Enrique’s smash hit Hero on YouTube (Here).