Double Gameweek 25 Preview:
Anyone else overwhelmed by the sheer volume of questions swirling around in their head right now?
For instance, when will the schools reopen?
When will I get my vaccine?
Who is going on holidays now and thinking they’re not utterly selfish wallopers?
Do they care?
Am I the only one who doesn’t fully understand what’s happening in WandaVision?
It’s no wonder therefore that there’s very little room left in our brains to try and comprehend this frankly bizarre football season. Liverpool scored two away goals against a German side in Hungary, so do they count as just goals, away goals or very away goals? How is everybody amazed that during a global pandemic where everything is stacked against every team, the play-thing of an oil nation is sweeping all before them thanks to a squad deeper than the Mariana trench? Am I really contemplating having three Leeds players in my squad this week?
So many questions, but who has the answers?
Defender: Stuart Dallas, Leeds United
As Bully would say when introducing the prizes in Bullseye, ‘aaaaand one!’
Our first Leeds player this week that is a must-have if you have any sense of fun about you at all, is Stuart ‘Debbie Does’ Dallas.
I hear the monotonous droning refrain from the FPL stats nerds about how unlikely clean sheets are against Wolves and Southampton this week, but to hell with them! Leeds might keep two clean sheet and Dallas may add to his seven attacking returns this season, in which case you’ll be lording it over the nerds and telling them that gut instinct is everything in this game, when you’re still outside the top million places and trying to work out why.
Midfielder: Ivan Recardo Neves Abreu Cavaleiro, Fulham
I love when the FPL site records each players full name, don’t you?
Trent Alexander-Arnold is TAA. Aaron Wan-Bissaka is AWB. I hereby declare IRNAC as the new acronym FPL player of the month.
Of course, you’re all wondering where the name Bruno Fernandes is at this point, and of course you’re right, you should have him against a woeful Newcastle side who are excelling at being the fourth worst team in the league this season. But where’s the fun in tipping a player everyone will have or everyone will be hoping blanks?
Cavaleiro faces a home fixture against an even-worse-than-Newcastle side in Sheffield United, whose little mini-revival seems to have stalled after consecutive defeats. Fulham themselves have only one defeat in their last six games.
Why Cavaleiro? He seems the kind of physical presence that John Egan would have nullified, and John Egan is broken. Also, when I say his name in my head it sounds like ‘Canyonero’ from The Simpsons. You’re welcome.
Forward: Timo Werner, Chelsea
Finally, a resurgence in form for the much-maligned Bundesliga import who is now under the careful tutelage of Thomas Tuchel.
Trying to say the end of that sentence quickly after six sherbets.
Werner has attributed the improvement in his game (three assists and a goal in his last three league appearances) to the fact that Tuchel can shout at him in German, and this raises an interesting point. Why couldn’t Frank Lampard shout at him in German? Should an English Premier League manager not be required to have at least a basic grasp of at least one other language? The clear majority of ‘foreign’ managers come to England with decent English (Bielsa can speak fluent English by the way, he just can’t be arsed dealing with interviews, trust me).
Jurgen Klopp can swear at his players in four different languages, including Klingon. The most mocked English manager Roy Hodgson has coached across Europe, speaking many languages, yet it’s hilarious to English fans with a basic grasp of English itself that he pronounces his ‘R’s’ funny.
I’m going to stop now before I dive into a Brexit-related broadside about multilingualism.
Das ist alles. Go raibh míle maith agat.
Captain: Patrick Bamford, Leeds United
Twelve goals, eight assists in twenty-four games (0.8333 attacking returns per game), and he plays twice this week against a side that concede 1.33333 goals a game this season (Wolves) and a side that have been humped 9-0 in consecutive seasons and concede 1.625 goals a game this season.
0.8333 x 1.33333/1.625 – 12+8/24 x 9-0 + 9-0 = CAPTAIN BIG PAT BAMFORD
Outsider: Leandro Trossard
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Leandro Trossard is my outside bet
But only for you xxxx