Written by @JackAGoodwin
Crystal Palace 0-2 Newcastle
Two teams hovering above relegation, both needing a result to lift them clear. Neither had any threat until the 88th minute of the game when Bournemouth Legend Callum Wilson sealed the winner only for Joelinton to want some congratulations himself also, slotting home Newcatle’s second goal in the space of 3 minutes to wrap up the game.
Darlow registered his 4th big point return in 10 matches with 8pts, clean sheet points went to Clark, Manquillo, Lewis and Fernandes but you of course don’t own any of them! No midfielder obtained higher than 3 points, not a real worry as only 5% of you own their highest owned mid in ASM. T’was Wilson rewarding his 13% of managers (Joelinton only at 0.2%!) with 12 and 11 points respectively as they both scored and assisted one another.
Palace were Zaha’less still and it showed. Mitchell his 4th straight non-appearance is a worry for those wanting budget defence. Aside from those two, I know you lot, you just don’t care do you.
Brighton 1-1 Liverpool
Aww this was fun though right? The unbeatable, unfazed injury stricken Liverpool being given a proper challenge finally (it’s been a while). I say challenge, Liverpool had this won and then Brighton went all VAR crazy and stole the point with a last minute penalty – moments after a Mane header was ruled offside (Salah also disallowed by VAR earlier in the game). Brighton had more shots, and deserved the draw regardless of VAR and it’s mischief. If you stuck with the programme a little more after the game you’ll have been treated to a rare but wonderful Klopp meltdown at a poor helpless reporter just doing his job. Klopp’s points are correct, but he directed it at the wrong person! Like shouting at the milkman because the wife put too much milk in the coffee. Valid point. Wrong recipient.
Jota was the man yet again on the Liverpool scoresheet, the little tinker. His price now a whopping £6.9m after his 9pt return, his 5th return in 8 games! Salah had a low 6pts and then that was all she wrote – Liverpool assets blanking all over the place like a man who….no, actually, won’t do that joke.
Brighton’s Lamptey who for some reason FPL Twitter still loves, scored 0. He didn’t play. 11% of you are weird, it’s Brighton.
Man City 5-0 Burnley
City beat Burnley 5-0 for the fourth time in a row, the poor sods.
Because nobody on earth who wants to win FPL has Burnley players, I’ll skip ‘em (just because I can). Instead it was City swimming in delicious points.
11% owned Walker took home 9pts, 21% owned and heavily captained KDB took 10pts, and then we’re down to the players we KNOW score big, but we don’t have the balls whatsoever to trust Pep and his stupid roulette.
5% owned Mahrez scored a huge 21pts with his hattrick! Torres took 8pts with his first goal of the season, and only 1.5% of managers invested in Mendy who grabbed 14pts for his fantastic display for City, bagging a goal in the process.
Poor, poor Burnley. They have Everton & Arsenal next. Poor sods.
Everton 0-1 Leeds
Actually, scrap that! Burnley have a chance guys! Everton dropping points again, this time to plucky Leeds who didn’t give up, spurred on by their ever-squatting boss Bielsa they carved out the win in an entertaining game which saw 38 shots, 14 on target! Busy day for keepers…
Speaking of which, Leeds GK Meslier took 11pts for his display (his 2nd double digit return this season). Elsewhere in Leeds it was Dallas (8pts) and Raphinha (9pts) who went home with FPL goodies. Bamford had a rather quiet one now his 2nd 2pt game in a row – has the Bamford Stampede (or as I will coin it, the Bampede) stopped? We wait to see, Chelsea up next.
Over at Everton, not one player scored more than 3 points (Iwobi weirdly took a clean sheet point before being subbed, Pickford due to having loads of footies pelted at him all game). This is a worry for those who heavily invested in Everton early on because they looked damn good, fixtures are difficult coming up (bar Burnley) so it’s a real tough December for Everton who if they’re going to show they deserve top 6, need to get a victory past 4 of them in December!
West Brom 1-0 Sheffield United
Ryan hit my theme tune!!
It was very crap,
trying to write about it makes me want to sleep
The result was naff,
so I award this match,
The Jack’s Super Skip of the Week!
ED: No idea what theme tune I’m supposed to add here – so I’ve went with the theme song for Johnny Bravo.
1. It’s a classic. 2. Jack also spends hours on his luxurious mane of hair.
Southampton 2-3 Man United
Deserved. Heroes. REAL men. Just some of the words you may use to describe Manchester United this week (forget about Wednesday, Fred’s a saint). Manchester United were in complete control for 90 minutes, only letting their guard down twice to give Southampton any slight chance of getting something from this game. Total, complete, game plan.
No, in truth, if ever there was a definition of the phrase “a game of two halves” it would be a replay of this match, in it’s entirety, complete with Snoop Dogg’s Just Eat advert which seems to appear literally every other ad break – sick of it. (stuck in your head now though isn’t it).
Bednarek and Ward-Prowse put Southampton 2-0 up at the break, total control from the Saints who had United against the ropes. Then, Cavani happened. The lovely haired Uruguayan replaced Greenwood and inspired a 3-goal comeback from United. Setting up Bruno in the 60 minute before equalising at 74 and winning the game in the 92nd! What a way to announce yourself to the yet to arrive crowds. True striker, regardless of age he just has “it”. Zlatan had it too.
Manchester United are the first side in Premier League history to win four consecutive away games despite trailing in each – which, I am not sure is a good stat, but, sure is a rollercoaster to watch!
You only own Bruno (unless you’re me, lol). Bruno rewarded 40% of managers with 10pts, his 3rd double digit haul in a ROW and his 5th so far this season, after just 10 games. And some say he’s just got penalties in him! Cavani stole the FPL baton however, the 2% owned forward took 15pts, but will likely now face some backlash after miscommunication on Instagram, which, seems fair – we all need to learn don’t we.
Chelsea 0-0 Tottenham
Damn, used my skip too early again didn’t I.
OK, bore scoreless draw for the London rivals in what was Roman Abramovich’s 1000’s game as club owner. This also ended a run of six consecutive games for Spurs where Son or Kane scored.
In terms of the world of FPL, it was a 5th clean sheet for Chelsea, rewarding all Mendy, Chilwell, James, Zouma & Thiago Silva owners of which there are a growing number. There was however no FPL points for Chelsea’s mid or forward line. Ziyech his second blank in a row, Pulisic a 16 min cameo, Havertz even less with 7 mins. Up top Werner’s form is up for debate – with decent fixtures incoming, it’s worth holding on to the Chelsea stars.
Spurs, 3rd clean sheet in a row that includes City & Chelsea – not bad going to be fair. Shame no more than 6% of us actually have invested interest in their back line. Our attention is solely on Son (57%!!) and Kane (41%!!) who both, for once, blanked. Further adding to our common selection headaches in this mad season is the news that Kane has a knock – Arsenal next, how it’ll pan out is anyone’s guess.
This draw a relief to Liverpool fans, and after their result a huge victory in the eyes of Man United, the only team to really take a leap upwards after the weekends action. Which brings me to…
Arsenal 1-2 Wolves
Arsenal again, messing everything up. Arteta is apparently not worried about his future as boss, but he bloody should at least smile, show some emotion, g’wan Mikel show us you’re not actually made of Lego and pop a wink to the camera just so we know you’re there.
This is now Arsenal’s worst start to a season since 1981. 1981 ffs. Charles & Diana just got married. The very first Space Shuttle mission launched (Columbia). Poland was under Martial Law. Raider’s of the Lost Ark just hit cinemas. The Pope was shot. Muhammad Ali retired. The Yorkshire Ripper was caught. MTV launched. Dolly Parton kept telling us her working hours….What I am saying is, Mikel. Get a grip mate, things aren’t good at Arsenal. Be worried.
It was 2-1 to Wolves at the break, neither side making any real changes to tactics after that and the game fizzled out into nothing. Arsenal’s Gabriel with the only goal to level things 1-1 after Neto banged in Wolves first. Podence with a lovely shot sealed the 2-1 result before the half time whistle had even blown.
The biggest news for FPL was the unfortunate clash of heads with Luiz and Jiminez which left Jimmy with a now confirmed fractured skull. I wish him all the best, he’s a really nice person and great player – it was totally unintentional from a Luiz who trooped on with blood pissing from his head routinely until he was so bandaged up he was like a walking 70’s horror film mummy.
Aubameyang owners (not many left, 10%), should be worried, he’s looking half the player he was last season since FPL did him dirty and told him he was a midfielder. 2 goals all season, 35 points in total from a player costing still £11.6m – madness I tell thee.
Leicester 1-2 Fulham
Why can’t I skip Monday’s football altogether? Was a bit of a dire line-up. First what we all thought would be a Leicester riot over a crap Fulham actually turned on it’s head as Scott Parker’s men found something we hadn’t seen (fighting spirit) and took the game to a shellshocked Brendan Rodgers. Lookman opened the game to give Fulham the lead, Ivan Ricardo Neves Abreu Cavaleiro with the second (yes that’s his real, full name) from the penalty spot – I take it he’s the new PK taker after the rest of the team have missed ones already. Harvey Barnes grabbed a consolation for Leicester with little time on the clock, and they couldn’t bring it back.
A rare off target Vardy showed up, agony for the many many managers who’d not only brought him in but slapped the captains band on his little cocky arms. He did grab the assist for Madison so not too many tears you lot. Leicester will dust this off, scratch it as a slip up. On to Sheffield for some sweet juicy FPL points!
West Ham 2-1 Aston Villa
And we finished the GW this past Monday night with arguably the same tale of the tape as Leicesters. Everyone assuming Villa would run riot, only for West Ham to bloody do this! Moving them up to – wait for it – 5th in the league!! Correct me if I am wrong, but this doesn’t seem right, where the hell did West Ham comes from?! Just 4 points from Spurs and Liverpool, David Moyes is loving life.
Villa’s Grealish owned by 40% of us, DID still bang. 10pts and the massive spark in the Villa side. His 3rd double digit return, this coming even from a game he lost in. With Newcastle now cancelled from Friday’s match, we’re unsure how this will be scheduled at time of writing, but rest assured you’ll only be benching him if he’s out of a fixture – he’s a keeper for the season based on his form so far.
West Ham. They’re 5th, and none of us own any West Ham players, what are we missing here? Bowen is quietly becoming FPL gold with his 13pt return for his 2% of managers, Ogbonna with the 2nd goal for his even smaller 0.6% of managers. Cheeky chaps these West Ham lot – never saw them coming. Surely we all realise, bring them in now yes? C’mon, they’ve got Man United next – they’re destined to beat them surely? Have fun punting on this one!
FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN
Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.