Category Archives: Player Selection

Liverpool, Leicester and Burnley Make the Preview

The Strangest Gameweek Review You’re Likely to Find

West Ham, Newcastle and a Robbie Williams Inspired Defender Pick

FPL Gameweek 5 Review – Written by Jack A. Goodwin

 

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s the day you’ve all been waiting for!! My completely irrelevant and unnecessary roundup of last weekend’s FPL action – more importantly, for one week only – Welcome to FantasyYIRMANIA!

We’re here at the sold-out Bang Average Arena with a total crowd attendance of 387,528 fans (actual total attendance of this past weekend’s games).

Today we’ll have teams facing off in some of our most beloved matches as Premier League football goes WWE… and I try to amuse myself with photoshop whilst passing words off as a gameweek review article.

(ED: I mean, it’s my own fault. I knew this was going to be obscure when I agreed to it…)

————-

Empty Arena Match: Bournemouth v Everton.

We kick off the show before anyone has time to arrive – Bournemouth with by far the lowest attendance of the weekend with just 10K fans in attendance, Watford’s 21K over double that with the 2nd lowest. Those who did make it saw a lovely performance by the home side, Callum Wilson finally doing his job and scoring goals! In other news, Frazer Ramon made his return from injury.

Hardcore Match: Spurs v Palace.

We then bring out the weapons! Spurs & Palace treated us to the most yellow cards in a game this weekend with 7 spread across both teams. There were superkicks, big boots and at one-point Jordan Ayew climbed up the goal post and elbow dropped Erik Lamela. Rumours afterwards suggest that referee Craig Pawson had to confiscate brass knuckles found in the gooch region of Harry Winks shorts but has yet to return them – what are you up to with those there ‘knucks Craig?

First Blood Match: Man United v Leicester.

In what was a very close affair, Mr Perfect himself Harry Maguire faced his former teammates in a match decided by whoever draws first blood (scores first…). It was the Reds who took the win with a hard-fought match where Rashford finally tucked away a penalty and the Old Trafford crowd finally saw a victory at home. Jamie VarDiBiase was apparently furious about the result, immediately banging out Brendan Rodgers after the game.

Handicap Match: Norwich v Man City.

This wasn’t fair as soon as Kevin Friend started the match. Sure, Man City have the brain of Pep mixed with arguably the most in-form team in the world right now – but do they have Teemu Pukki? The odds were stacked against City from the get-go as the Norwich GOAT made his presence known with assists, goals and smiles for everyone. #Pukki4Life.

Last Man Standing Match: Billy Sharp v Danny Ings

Dear God Sheffield United v Southampton is a boring match, right? Right. So boring in fact that an announcement was made prior to kick off at Bramall Lane that the first team to get a person sent off loses. Cue, Billy Sharp. Getting bored himself, he decides to end it locking in the Sharpshooter on Stuart Armstrong– straight red and didn’t give a toss really.

Retirement Match: Unai Emery v Quique Sanchez Flores

Two very separate retirement plans on show – as Quique showed us all why early retirement isn’t always the best option, bringing back his fight for the draw in his Watford’s comeback against Arsenal. Unai on the other hand, demonstrating why early retirement is a valid way out. Arsenal are looking rather naff at the moment, Aubameyang aside, and are in need of improvements quickly with Man United on the horizon in two weeks’ time.

Should have stayed at PSG Unai, you had Neymar…Now you have David Luiz.

Submission Match: Brighton v Burnley

To use John Cena’s famous tagline, Burnley never gave up (John Cena is clearly a massive Burnley fan) When the clock was near its last seconds, Brighton had locked in the 3-points and were packing up, heading up the ramp. Burnley were ready to tap out until Jeff HendRick Rude reversed the hold to steal a point in the dying moments.

 

Weapons Match: Liverpool v Everyone

When you have Firmino, Mane & Salah in your arsenal then you’re bound to be quite the force. So far this season, nobody has been able to step up to the Liverpool trio. Sure, Newcastle managed to grab a cheap goal, it doesn’t matter to Liverpool, they’ll just score more than you…I’d potentially be able to land a lucky punch on Tyson Fury, he’s only going to hit me much harder until I crumble like a tiny child.

 

Goals Count Anywhere Match: Wolves v Chelsea

A feast for those who enjoy Match of the Day. Chelsea were rampant, goals outta nowhere, 3 goals in each half (one was a token own goal for Wolves as Tammy got carried away). With Liverpool incoming, Chelsea had a bit of fun here before they get battered on Sunday by Klopp ‘n Co.

 

Dumpster Match: Villa v West Ham

When we’re told that there’s Monday Night Football we rejoice, work doesn’t seem so bad and drinking in the week is perfectly acceptable. THIS match however, was appalling. A 0-0 finish which deserved nothing more than the 3pm slot on a Saturday to protect our valuable time. Referee Mike Dean tried his hardest to liven up the crowd with a cheeky red card midway through the second half, but it was to no avail. P.s. If you understand the meaning behind me choosing that photo, I like you.

————-

The show closes with a massive pyro show, no expenses spared here at FantasyYIRMA.

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

11 Unknown Stories About the Current Fantasy FPL Dream Team

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

 

We’re just four weeks into the football season and we already have our breakout stars, our differentials turned goal machines and our overpriced flops. Here we delve in to the current top-11 players of the season so far, and look behind the footballing curtain to see what these guys are really about…

We’ve used the current Dream Team from the official FPL site to compile this list.

Also – as you’ll probably note – we are quite excited by the upcoming launch of FIFA20 and have doctored FIFA19 cards throughout this article in the vein hope that those lovely EA folk will send us a free copy…. SHAMELESS…

 

 

  1. Rui Pedro dos Santos Patrício

Apparently, Rui is just 31 years young – which I for one call BS. Well Rui is quite the hero back home in Leiria, Portugal. From his days as a Sporting Lisbon GK he actually became so loved that one fan apparently funded the commission of a statue of Rui which now resides there, capturing his (again, apparently) “iconic” save from a Griezmann shot back in the Euro 2016 Final. But what I really want to reveal about the 2016 Balon d’Or nominee is that his wife is a sex therapist, if you remember from the Euro’s back in 2016 she famously recommended that Rui & his Portuguese teammates masterbate prior to matches. (Link)

Ed: There’s 10 more of these??

  1. Patrick John Miguel van Aanholt

The cousin of Leroy Fer, Patrick was born in Holland to parent from Curaçao (a tiny island in the Caribbean which for some mad reason is actually a part of the “Kingdom of the Nederland’s”). He shares a birthday with Michael Jackson and famous astronaut Chris Hadfield (August 29th), I am almost certain Patrick is planning a moonwalk for an upcoming goal celebration in homage to his birthday brothers from other mothers. Fun fact, Patrick’s current contract banks him £3.5 million per year, which, to make you feel poor, means that each DAY Patrick earns roughly £15,000.

  1. Lucas Digne

Digne unknown to many is in fact quite the hero – during the appalling terrorist attacks in Barcelona back in 2017, Lucas was in his apartment nearby to La Rambla where the events unfolded and immediately ran down to help out the injured. To this day he never comments on what happened in respect of those lost – which, only makes the lad humbler and more likeable. He may have some Evertonian’s raging however once they notice that he has the words “I Never Walk Alone” tattooed across his waxed chest.

  1. Jannik Vestergaard

Fun fact – I was once a season ticket holder for Borussia Monchengladbach where Jannik was quite the star during his 2-year spell. Back in 2018 the rumour mills were rampant that he was destined for London, with Spurs and Arsenal looking to sign the chap (Link), but Jannik actually went down to Southampton and is still to find his true form. He has a fear of spiders and was told by his first coach at Brondby that he was “too lanky for football” – those two things had no right to be in the same sentence together but here we are. In the 2017 Bundesliga season he was the only player in the entire league to play every single minute of a teams season so he clearly has some stamina. He’s a New England Patriots fan (hence his dog being called Brady – Jannik shares the same birthday as Tom Brady too) which unfortunately makes me dislike him now.

 

  1. Raheem Shaquille Sterling

Jamaican born Raheem was given the middle name Shaquille because his parents were huge Shaquille O’Neal fans, also during the ten seconds reading this sentence Raheem has earned £2.50. This is based on his near £8million contract which is not bad is it? Last year during the build up to the 2018 World Cup, the English press decided to mess up the morale in the England camp by highlighting a gun tattoo on Raheem’s leg, which, turns out has a much deeper meaning about his father. Hard to admit, but all my reading up on Mr Sterling made me realise he’s not a bad guy really – still has a silly run though.

 

  1. Kevin De Bruyne

KDB does not like Thibaut Courtois. Fact. Prior to marrying the now mother of his two children, KDB’s ex-girlfriend admitted to cheating on him with none other than his fellow Belgian. Needless to say, KDB is pretty chuffed that Courtois moved over to Spain last year. Although born in Belgium, Kevin was eligible to play for Burundi due to his mother being Burundian – he opted to play for the Red Devils which was a fair choice if I’m honest. I think we can all agree, his biggest achievement in life was back in August 2014 where KDB was appointed as the Ambassador of Weltvogelpark Bird Sanctuary in Germany.

  1. Mohamed Salah Hamed Mahrous Ghaly

Mo is a very religious man, a devoted Muslim who thanks the almighty every time he scores a goal. Interestingly, Mo named his daughter Mecca Mohammed after the Holy site in Saudi Arabia – however he later changed her named to Makkah to distinguish it from Mecca Bingo! Mo as many know is a lovely man, some of his most noteworthy actions are the millions he donates to his home country to fund education, healthcare and to help end poverty – he also famously dropped charges to a thief who robbed his entire family and then actually gave money to the thief to help him become a better person. We should all be like Mo.

 

  1. Sadio Mane

Sadio is the epitome of “follow your dreams”, growing up in Sedhiou in Senegal with his Uncle due to his parents having too many children to be able to look after. Not only that, his family forbid him to play football as it was seen as too expensive. After showing promise with his feet, his local village all came together, family and friends sold their crops to raise money to allow Sadio to train. A phenomenal story from who is now one of my favourite players.

 

  1. Sergio Leonel Agüero del Castillo

In 2003 I was embarking on a journey to obtain good GCSE results and maybe not end up working in the Boots photo lab (which I did). In 2003, Sergio was taking to the pitch as the youngest professional footballer to debut for Independente in Argentina. He was actually signed by the team when he was just 9 years old back in 1997, at a time I was trying to pack a Charizard and become king of the playground. Somewhere along the way, we both made different decisions in life didn’t we? Anyway, Sergio has been on the pitch as a pro footballer for over half of his life, he married Maradonna’s youngest daughter but has since separated and the childs godfather is none other than Lionel Messi. His nickname “Kun” actually comes from a Japanese anime character from his childhood and the most impressive accolade is of course his FANTASTIC voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=19&v=hzwWtlSbzng.

  1. Teemu Eino Antero Pukki

If it’s not written in the stats, it sure is in the name. Pukki translates as “GOAT” in his native Finland, for most Norwich fans this now proves true – step aside Cristiano! 13 years ago he actually had a trial with Chelsea FC, but didn’t make the cut – the same scout then brought him to the UK when he signed for Celtic in 2013 as played alongside Virgil Van Dijk. Oh, and Norwich didn’t pay a penny for him. £0 for a Goat? Bargain.

 

  1. Kevin Oghenetega Tamaraebi Bakumo-Abraham

London born Tammy has been a Chelsea project since he was 8 years old, progressing through the ranks until they decided to loan him out to Bristol, Villa then Swansea. Internationally his Dad (Nigerian) is very close mates with the Nigerian Football Federation President who spent years trying to convince Tammy to “become” Nigerian to play for their national team, he even started the papers to do so – but eventually declined and now plays, kind of (2 appearances) for England. He was on the cusp of joining Newcastle on loan last summer before he was advised not to due to being “young and rich in a city known for a great nightlife”.

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Arsenal, Everton and Liverpool Make the Preview

GW4 Review: Jamie Vardy Crashed the Pukki Party

Written by @JackAGoodwin

This GW4 review is brought to you, in part, by the real Slim Goodwin.

Hi kids, do you like FPL advice?

Wanna see Pukki blank the game and Richarlison score twice?

Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?

Regret every decision you made this week because you wildcarded…

After news spread this week of a party in the Norwich area getting overcrowded, Jamie Vardy took it upon himself to throw a bigger, better, more familiar party of his own.

Nearly 1 million new people bought a ticket to the Pukki Party which ultimately turned sour when the bubble machines went mental and ruined it. The Pukki train immediately left for the City of Manchester, but many won’t be jumping aboard with fears that the DJ will constantly be playing Blue Moon.

Vardy, to rub salt in the wounds, has also taken his WKD fueled party towards Manchester, his however will arrive at a dysfunctional Old Trafford where the party will likely continue into the night.

Meet John Lundstram, 25 years old.

Fed up with life and the way his FPL career is going, he decides to score against Palace.

But on his way in to 750K more teams since then, he had a sudden change of heart.

And suddenly, the real John Lundstram came into play. (1 point in 2 GWs).

Guess who’s back? Back again…Aguero’s back…tell a friend! We’ve created a problem, ‘cause nobody wanted to see premium strikers anymore – we wanted bargains mixed with expensive defenders & mids, didn’t we? Now we have the conundrum of how to bring in the likes of Aguero, Kane, Firmino & Aubameyang – and the likelihood is that we pulled the trigger too soon on our Wildcards that it’s now near impossible to bring them in without taking a hit. It’s over – nobody listens to techno!

Salah is supposed to be the player who never loses his composure, assists with goals and holding the whole weight of our teams on his shoulders. Going toe-to-toe with Sterling for the armband once again – but unfortunately both players go and blow it!

In GW4 match by match, player by player, whoever we captained our team all fell down. GW1 star player, Sterling. GW2 star player, Pukki. GW3 star player, Salah. Surely one of these three will give us our points return. All three players, combined, scored a total of 11 points – which is 5 points behind GW4’s star player Jamie Vardy.

Sick of terribly forced Eminem song references? Yeah, me too. (ED: Me too)

Elsewhere in FPL we saw clean sheets for Palace, City, West Ham and Liverpool – business as usual then, with those keeping the faith in both ‘Pool and City backlines rewarded (unless, like me, you foolishly picked Laporte in your teams – not aware that he had knees as weak as United’s transfer strategy). Scoring defenders included Vestergaard and his massive head, Geordie Schar and a lovely Zouma own goal (told you he was a bit naff…https://fantasyyirma.com/2019/08/15/5-totally-useless-fantasy-players-from-game-week-1/).

40% of GW4 matches ended in a draw, 50% ended with a home victory with just the one away win for Liverpool. What do these statistics tell us? Absolutely nothing – but you can bet your ass you’ll spend the next two-weeks reading about every little detail from the FPL Twittexpert community and how the statistics suggest that you are a terrible FPL player. As each gameweek passes by, the FPL world has a breakdown, self-implodes on its own advice and steers itself in to wonderful new directions. After GW3 we almost unanimously got bantered into Wildcarding.

We were told that the Pukki Party was going to be a season long banger and expertly informed that Sterling and/or Salah were guaranteed points. The positive takeaway however was that we were convinced that the FPL world is so much more fun when we have it in drawn for us! (shout out to @fpldoodles1 – a pleasant addition to a community needing something different).

Quite astonishingly, even after the poor run of form for Man United as of late, Chelsea and Tottenham sit below them. We’re only four weeks into the season and the only real “in form” teams we can see are the usual suspects of Liverpool & City. Will the International Break give the chasing pack their mojo back? Will we see any last-minute moves away from the Premier League from the likes of Pogba & Eriksen as the Transfer Window slams shut tomorrow (2nd September)?

Finally, will FantasyYIRMA be able to drag-out the Bang Average Podcasts for two whole weeks in the absence of Premier League football! Time. Will. Tell.

…and so the soap opera

Is told, it unfolds, I suppose it’s old, partner

But FPL goes on: da da dum da dum da da da da….!

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

West Ham, Man City and Liverpool Make the Preview

Man United and Spurs Bantered Us Out of Points

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 3 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

If you’re like me, things are now suddenly starting to become clear. You’ve made an absolute Horlicks of your team, and not one of the 3,486 draft teams you came up with would have been any good.

Never fear, for I am here! Fresh off tipping pucker Pukki points, and John Egan putting a Cork in the Palace attack, let me guide you towards your Wildcard dear friend…

Defender: Luke Shaw, Manchester United

We don’t have to wait for another couple of weeks to spot one of the first trends of the new season – Crystal Palace are absolute muck. They’re Benteke levels of terrible, which is quite apt, considering. Their only decent player seems to have taken a leaf out of the ‘Chelsea Squad 17/18’ book and they’re as sharp in attack as Donald Trump is intellectually.

Manchester United have signed the world’s biggest forehead for the world’s biggest defender fee, and he certainly seems to have given them some solidity at the start of the new campaign. While last season’s FPL hero Aaron Wan-Bissaka is settling in at right-back, his left-back comrade has been making some impressive forays up his wing, and was showing real sings of attacking promise at Molineux on Monday night.

So a clean sheet is likely, and an assist or goal wouldn’t be out of the question for Luke Shaw this weekend. At least it shouldn’t be as long as Jose has stopped his Vulcan mind-control tactics on poor Luke.

Midfielder: Kevin De Bruyne, Manchester City

He’s back baby!

KDB was a joy to behold against Spurs last weekend, as he toyed and teased with the European Cup Finalists all evening, notching up two assists.

This week he travels to the South Coast on a pleasant August afternoon to face a Bournemouth side who have conceded to both Sheffield United and Aston Villa already this season. Hmmmm. I don’t think I’m going out on too much of a limb here to say that Aguero/Jesus/Sterling and co may well be firing in quite a few shots this Sunday, and KDB is going to be loading the bullets.

Forward: Roberto Firmino, Liverpool

Here’s a great stat I came across on Twitter this week:

Since joining Liverpool, Sadio Mane has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Since joining Liverpool, Mo Salah has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Since joining Liverpool, Bobby Firmino has scored in every home game he’s played against Arsenal.

Firmino has opened the scoring in each game. Firmino got a hat-trick last season.

Captain: Harry Kane, Spurs

The second trend of the new season is as obvious as the first. Newcastle United are also absolute muck. Who knew that letting the guile and tactical wisdom of a man who contrived to win a Champions League with Djimi Traore at left-back, and replacing him with a man with the guile and tactical wisdom of Boris Johnson would result in that team looking hopeless immediately?

Spurs are going to batter the bejaysus out of Newcastle this weekend. Pummel them. Hump them. Destroy them.

If you want to go early on your Triple Captain chip, I won’t talk you out of it. There won’t be many more suitable weeks when one of the league’s best strikers faces a home game against one of the league’s worst teams. There’s no rotation risk, no Champions League games coming up, all week to prepare for it….it’s Goldilocks time to be honest. It’s just right.

Outsider: Manuel Lanzini, West Ham United

A cracking assist to get his campaign underway at Brighton last weekend, and now a trip to face a Watford side that have been displaying relegation form since Christmas of last year. West Ham have a host of attackers to choose from at the moment, and Lanzini will be linking and jinking with them all. Any old Iron? Nah, this is a very specific Iron you want on your team.

Draft: Çağlar Söyüncü, Leicester City

I’ll be honest with you. This Lord Farquhar lookalike has a whole load of lines and dots over/under most of the letters in his name, but I lack the technical ability to work out how to type it properly, so if you’re reading this Caglar mate, I apologise. (Ed. I got your back Niall)

But I am tipping you as a great option in Draft, considering you’re filling in the Harry Maguire slab-shaped hole in the Leicester defence.

Fantasy Football – Gameweek 3 Preview – Written by @NiallHawthorne

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

Drop Niall a follow on twitter. Good thing about Twitter – you can always unfollow again later!

Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

Check out his blog for proof rantsofarebel.wordpress.com.

%d bloggers like this: