Mo Salah, KDB and A Questionable Sticker Book

#FPL Gameweek 17 Review: Written by @JackAGoodwin

GW #17 Review: YIRMA-NINI Sticker Collection

The prospect of a whole season of pun-induced ramble about the footie results is enough to leave you palpitating in terror – I am well aware, simmer down, this week we’ve light on the textual, heavy on the visual.

Do you ever – I ask very rhetorically – dream you could go back to your childhood to the days of opening up fresh, sealed, 20p packets of stickers will all the glee in the world? The times where poking a stick between the kerbs in the sand to see if frightened ants ran out made you feel like god. The moments we all enjoyed where we accidentally injured our friend Matt WAY too hard (there was blood and everything). And, who could forget those memories having to choose between Recess of Cartoon Network or Kenan and Kel on Nickelodeon…

I’m not sitting here promising to bring any of that back, not one bit, but what I can do is showcase this past weeks results in a lovely nostalgia-like way that’ll cause you all to dash to the big ASDA to grab your very own Panini Football 2020 sticker album (similar to the dash I did on-the-day-of-because-I-may-or-may-not-have-forgotten, for the FPL Secret Santa gift for Mr Kun Karam)

Hot off the press like a Greggs vegan sausage roll you’ve just sat on because you thought tucking it between your legs whilst driving would work – but now you’re left with pastry all over the place frantically crumbing in into the seats – here’s the GW17 review…

Ed: Hysterically, Jack had no idea we worked with the good folk at @OfficialPanini during the World Cup 2018. We may never again after Jack has royally ripped them off in what is admittedly an excellent tribute to their current Premier League sticker collection.

Liverpool 2-0 Watford

The nightmare always starts the same way with any team facing Liverpool; the rising volume of You’ll Never Walk Alone until (even as the opposition) you sing along. The small-eyed smile by Klopp which suggests they’ll “go easy” on you today. The whistle from the referee sounding more like the “get off the train we’ve arrived” pre-1945 chime… It’s ominous. It’s worrying. It’s – not surprisingly – inevitable. Liverpool will win.

Burnley 1-0 Newcastle

Strange for me to actually analyse the results this week, actually delve into the results, the stats, the actual effort put into the players and make an actual decision on who’s played bloody well. This game in particular, Tarkowski dominated all defensive stats whilst McNeil shone once again. On the other side you’ll see Hayden who outshone all the Toon players and (of course) the big-dog himself, sexy Andy Carroll who will until the end of time be star player for Newcastle until Shearer dons the boots once again – (see Liverpool notes above. Inevitable).

Chelsea 0-1 Bournemouth

It’s “What Lampard Is Showing Up Today” time!! This week, it was the naff one we didn’t really like. Modestly put, it was a pile-o-piss by a Chelsea team who are so hot/cold at the moment I don’t know what to do with my FPL life and those guys. Zouma was the highlight in the loss, cementing his feet into the wet concrete at the back line – note there are no attackers highlighted. Bournemouth have likely kept-a-hold of Eddie after this one and it was quite the masterclass in defence for the full 90mins. Gosling (not Ryan) taking the vital goal (still Southgate never returns his calls).

Leicester 1-1 Norwich

As I retreat, to mid-table-madness with my beloved Man United, a Leicester team was giving me hope of another challenge at the title to take down Pool’ n City. The whole thing looked set to become reality until minor blips like this remind me it’s all just a dream – Liverpool have already won the league. Krul decided he wanted a piece of the Vardy Party so scored for Leicester before his own team booted up the iPod once again as Pukki’s party reignited.

Sheffield United 2-0 Aston Villa

I need not remind you all of what we’re witnessing with Sheffield United, if we all keep still they wont see us or get us – don’t move. It’s fair to say we live in a brave, fantastic new era of the Premier League where league newcomers can instantly overshadow the big-guys so much that it becomes a challenge to see how far then can take it. This, as best I can tell, is the most topsy turvy the league has ever been and it’s brilliant. Villa are of course the common thread in the league, a team struggling week-on-week until they head back to the Championship to become Kings once again, if only for another season.

Southampton 0-1 West Ham

How much longer do we need to watch Southampton suffer? Half a season, Jack….just half a season left then we can unplug them the poor sods. Thanks Jack.

Manchester United 1-1 Everton

Man United’s kids are better than the “stars”. There, I said it, happy? Ole Gunner (you’re picturing his little grin right now aren’t you) has unconvincingly said that Pogba will return, but is he required anymore? Should United suffer the madness of midtable with the “kids” until they find that something, that 1992 special something which brings them closer together. No, they need Pogba. Everton didn’t even show up and United couldn’t win. Take a look at the image above, go on. See any actual Everton players? Nope, see. Pogba – stop dancing like a mad man and come back, please. Yours, FPL.

Wolves 1-2 Tottenham

To catch you up: Few years ago a chap called Jose was sacked for being a naff manager. Fast forward to a few months ago and the same Jose got sacked for being a naff manager (allegedly). Now we’re here, you’re all caught up. So this Jose character is winning matches. Sorry to bring this around full circle but I can see a pattern in his managerial style that suggests this will not last. In a bizarre turn of events, Wolves who started so damn well in the League and dropping points even whilst playing rather well – Jiminez is rumoured to be moving in January and Jota is expected to grow a couple inches taller.

Arsenal 0-3 Manchester City

Let me get this straight. Arsenal, a warm-centred team which about 16 years ago were relevant are getting heckled out of their own stadium and everyone is loving it? Arsenal fans riot mid-game due to no players taking accountability on the pitch? And, for some reason the Arsenal fans still believe that they’re ready to challenge for a title, yeah? Thought so – we’re all on the same page then. Now, I don’t want to kick them whilst they’re down here because Robbie from AFTV lives in Milton Keynes like I do and he’ll go all Taken on me. BUT…Funny isn’t it, everyone? You just wait until next weeks review (CHRISTMAS EDITION) if Kevin goes full-McAlister on the opponents.

Crystal Palace 1-1 Brighton

You know that scene in Liar Liar where Jim Carrey is chugging water down in the court room whilst they’re listening to his clients sex-audio and spits it all out shouting “OH COME ON!”….Yeah? I did that when I saw the Monday Night Football fixture (minus the part about listening to a sex-audio). A fascinating glimpse into the dull world of Crystal Palace and Brighton. Guatia made 9 saves in the match which was impressive, and Maupay is quite rightly an FPL gem just waiting to explode (not in that way) – I see him being tipped this week in the FPL Twitterverse.

As I said above – next week is the CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. There’ll be movie mash-ups of all our favourites from Elf, to Home Alone to the unquestionably Christmassy Die Hard.

Enjoy your last weekend with money until the end of January everybody!

FOLLOW JACK ON TWITTER @JACKAGOODWIN

Written by Jack A. Goodwin -Follow him on Twitter @JackAGoodwin

Jack is an “alternative FPL writer” (Who knew, right?) looking for hidden tales behind the most obscure players, dark humour in the game and the creative storytelling to the most mundane of GameWeeks!

He’s played the official game for over 7 years, running leagues throughout the offices of his day job.

Posted on 19 Dec 2019, in Player Selection and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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