Fantasy Premier League: Gameweek 34/35 Review

Written by @NiallHawthorne

Predicting the end of times seems to be a bi-annual occurrence these days. You can’t go more than six months without some group of crackpots declaring that a random Wednesday is going to see the rapture descend upon us. Four horsemen. Earthquakes. Thanos. Volcanoes. Y’know, the usual feeling you get after 4 days on the tear at Cheltenham and seeing a trailer on YouTube while feeling like death. However I believe that we’re being protected from a grizzly end by a group of people that will always be there for us, always around to pick us up when we’re down, who will ensure that when all hope seems lost, new hope will spring eternal.

The Avengers? Nah, screw that lot, I’m talking about people that have been hailed since time immemorial. May I introduce to you…The Scripture Squad!

Jesus…16 points

Mohamed…15 points

Moses…15 points

Giroud…well, he looks like a God, right? 14 points

Captain Salah has been our hero all season long and nobody in their right mind doesn’t have Cap in their squad. Throw in his Scripture Squad buddies and the last couple of weeks would have seen you ascend up your mini-league tables to your rightful place at the right hand of…whoever is on your left.

Of course the Scripture Squad need allies who are good, but who just aren’t quite ‘superhero’ status yet. (Yes, this is a dig at Hawkeye, deal with it). Step forward Wilfried Zaha. He may have tanked at the Box Office when he got his big budget break at ‘The Theatre Of Dreams’, but he’s proven that in lower budget productions he can bring the crowd to their feet. 16 points in GW’s 34 & 35 may yet see him given one more blockbuster move.

Raheem Sterling amassed a huge 21 points, but there’s something preventing him from full graduation to superhero status. Is it the way he runs? Is it that he should really have had over 30 points? I’m going to compare him to Paul Rudd as Antman. Yes he has ‘skills’ but he’s small and still the guy we’ve all laughed at many, many times. Paul Rudd also appeared in Anchorman, and as a Liverpool fan every time I see Raheem on the TV I shout something that begins with ‘W’ and rhymes with Anchorman.

Ayoze Perez scored 14 points (with 12 points in GW33) but to have had the foresight to stick him in your squad for these last few weeks would have taken some serious ‘Vision’. Ashley Barnes also scored 14 points over the last couple of weeks and has 6 goals in his last 8 GW’s, after a modest season up to that point. Every superhero group needs a ‘plucky’ character, so let’s all hail ‘Plucky’ Barnes, a man with a cap for the Austrian U-20’s and who plays in shorts in Burnley from October – March every year. Now THAT is a Winter Soldier if ever I saw one.

The Scripture Squad have had a spiritual leader for many, many years, but alas he was destroyed last week by the fearful interglactic warlord they call #WengerOut. This has enraged his lead Gunner, Alexander Lacazette, who has taken his frustrations out on everyone and smashed 3 goals for 21 points.

The one they call ‘Guardiola’ has begun to produce FPL superheroes, but not everybody is impressed. The old school English pundits don’t care much for ‘Guardiola’, his philosophies and his different ways. 1,000 passes in a single match? They call him ‘Dr. Strange’, but he can change our very perception of football. For instance the speed with which his pupils rack up FPL points is incredible. David Silva – 10 pts in GW35. Bernardo Silva – 11 pts in GW35. Not just one, but two ‘QuickSilvas’.

However without the bad guys, there’d be no need for the Scripture Squad, and in GW’s 34 and 35, Planet FPL was under attack from another negative point tirade. Kevin Long betrayed those of us who trusted this budget defender who had been drafted in to plug the hole in the defensive Dyche constructed at Turf Moor. An own goal and a score of -1 left many casualties. However GW35 was to prove even more calamitous as two traitors led many of us into negative points. Martin Olsson thought he could pocket two pieces of Silva and get away with it against Man City, but in his 74 minutes of action he was punished by Jesus, conceded four and picked up a yellow card to give him -1 point. Joining him was Pablo Zabaleta who worships false Gods and believes in ‘The Moyesiah’. Such heresy was duly punished thanks to a 4 goal yellow card spanking at The Emirates.

Written by Niall Hawthorne.

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Niall Hawthorne has a strange view on most things.

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His views are his own, because quite simply nobody else would have them!